Fit the Second: The Bellman’s Speech

  1. The Landing
  2. The Hunting of the Snark
  3. The Baker’s Tale
    • The Bellman himself they all praised to the skies—
    • Such a carriage, such ease and such grace!
    • Such solemnity, too! One could see he was wise,
    • The moment one looked in his face!
    • He had bought a large map representing the sea,
    • Without the least vestige of land:
    • And the crew were much pleased when they found it to be
    • A map they could all understand.
    • “What’s the good of Mercator’s North Poles and Equators,
    • Tropics, Zones, and Meridian Lines?”
    • So the Bellman would cry: and the crew would reply
    • “They are merely conventional signs!
    • “Other maps are such shapes, with their islands and capes!
    • But we’ve got our brave Bellman to thank”
    • (So the crew would protest) “that he’s bought us the best—
    • A perfect and absolute blank!”
    • This was charming, no doubt: but they shortly found out
    • That the Captain they trusted so well
    • Had only one notion for crossing the ocean,
    • And that was to tingle his bell.
    • He was thoughtful and grave—but the orders he gave
    • Were enough to bewilder a crew.
    • When he cried “Steer to starboard, but keep her head larboard!”
    • What on earth was the helmsman to do?
    • Then the bowsprit got mixed with the rudder sometimes:
    • A thing, as the Bellman remarked,
    • That frequently happens in tropical climes,
    • When a vessel is, so to speak, “snarked”.
    • But the principal failing occurred in the sailing,
    • And the Bellman, perplexed and distressed,
    • Said he had hoped, at least, when the wind blew due East,
    • That the ship would not travel due West!
    • But the danger was past—they had landed at least,
    • With their boxes, portmanteaus, and bags:
    • Yet at first sight the crew were not pleased with the view,
    • Which consisted of chasms and crags.
    • The Bellman perceived that their spirits were low,
    • And repeated in musical tone,
    • Some jokes he had kept for a season of woe—
    • But the crew would do nothing but groan.
    • He served out some grog with a liberal hand,
    • And bade them sit down on the beach:
    • And they could not but own that their Captain looked grand,
    • As he stood and delivered his speech.
    • “Friends, Romans, and countrymen, lend me your ears!”
    • (They were all of them fond of quotations:
    • So they drank to his health, and they gave him three cheers,
    • While he served out additional rations.)
    • “We have sailed many months, we have sailed many weeks,
    • (Four weeks to the month you may mark),
    • But never as yet (’tis your Captain who speaks)
    • Have we caught the least glimpse of a Snark!
    • “We have sailed many weeks, we have sailed many days,
    • (Seven days to the week I allow),
    • But a Snark, on the which we might lovingly gaze,
    • We have never beheld till now!
    • “Come, listen, my men, while I tell you again,
    • The five unmistakable marks
    • By which you may know, wheresoever you go,
    • The warranted genuine Snarks.
    • “Let us take them in order. The first is the taste,
    • Which is meagre and hollow, but crisp:
    • Like a coat that is rather too tight in the waist,
    • With a flavour of Will-o-the-wisp.
    • “Its habit of getting up late you’ll agree
    • That it carries too far, when I say
    • That it frequently breakfasts at five-o’clock tea,
    • And dines on the following day.
    • “The third is its slowness in taking a jest.
    • Should you happen to venture on one,
    • It will sigh like a thing that is deeply distressed:
    • And it always looks grave at a pun.
    • “The fourth is its fondness for bathing-machines,
    • Which it constantly carries about,
    • And believes that they add to the beauty of scenes—
    • A sentiment open to doubt.
    • “The fifth is ambition. It next will be right
    • To describe each particular batch:
    • Distinguishing those that have feathers, and bite,
    • From those that have whiskers, and scratch.
    • “For, although common Snarks do no manner of harm,
    • Yet I feel it my duty to say,
    • Some are Boojums—” The Bellman broke off in alarm,
    • For the Baker had fainted away.
  1. The Landing
  2. The Hunting of the Snark
  3. The Baker’s Tale