In Your Face

Feel like breaking laws!

Got a mean streak in you? Or do you just want the vicarious jackrabbit thrill that comes from leaping before the oncoming headlights? Welcome to Jerry Stratton’s gen-u-wine collection of in-your-face paraphenalia from sources across the net, including alt.sex.stories. Better watch that twitchy mouse finger, kid. Click it on the wrong place and you’ll initiate a transmission across a telecommunications network!

  • Wear a finger condom at all times when reading these stories.
  • More information about the bill that inspired this page.
  • 31 Oops! Did you roll some dice on the Internet? You just won an all-expenses-paid trip to the hoosegow! Those don’t even look like regulation dice!
  • Here’s an easy way to break the law: refuse to purchase firearms from Smith & Wesson. Refuse to purchase firearms at any gun store that carries Smith & Wesson. Then, call up the Attorney General and tell her that. Tell her it wasn’t just your idea, you read it on a web page. Then get ready for the lawsuits to start rolling. You scofflaw, you just joined the vast right-wing conspiracy to… not buy guns!
  • And if you’re a seventeen-year-old in Virginia and you like this page, consider hiring me to write your web pages. Oops, does that make this a commercial use of smut?
Black Man as a Cash Crop
According to Xona, America’s most profitable crop is the Black-American, reaped by the Criminal Justice System.
Common Sense
The document that started the American Revolution in the minds of the colonists.
The Constitution of the United States
The Constitution of the United States of America, including the Bill of Rights and other amendments.
A coup d’etat in a pitiful third world country
We stopped flying to Palm Beach. The pilot kept crashing. He couldn’t figure out which button to press to land the plane, so he’d just hit all of them.
ElectedNet!
Write your representative: generate a list of your federal representatives’ and contact information by state and party.
The Exon Song
A little Christmas ditty in response to the Exon Internet censorship bill.
Gilligan’s Island: Passion Fruit
What happened after the series ended and before the movies? Four men, three women, alone on a beautiful deserted island?
I Kings 13
God tells you not to listen to people who say that they know better than you what God has said. Never believe what someone else tells you is the word of God.
Nazis and U.S. Politics
I remember the Nazis, Senator, and you’re…
Old, Unused Term Papers and Reports
Excuse me? You mean even my stupid old high school term papers are ‘in your face’? That’s the case in Texas as of September 1, 1997: the law makes me a criminal if I “should reasonably have known that a person intends to use them to satisfy an academic requirement”. Come on, somebody out there is going to be stupid enough to try and pass one of my mediocre papers off as their own. I’ve been working for years to convince people to put their studies, reports, and papers on-line and share their data. Is that now a subversive act? Heads up, Texas. Maybe it ought to be illegal to prepare, pass, or encourage laws when the person knows, or should reasonably have known, that the law in question is silly as hell.
The Sexual Adventures of the Smurfs
Do Smurfs have sex? And you wondered why Smurfs were blue…
Three Orcs Walk Into a Bar
Three orcs walk into a bar to have a discussion about copyright and trademark law.
Very Happy Women: Guide to Oral Sex
It’s about as much of a turn-on as watching surgery, but this anonymous guide to oral sex is about as graphic as you’re going to get.
The Walkerville Weekly Reader
In the end times, one newspaper dared to call God to task for His hypocrisy. That newspaper was not us, we swear it. Not the eternal flames!
What do you mean, Super Highway?
AOL is a busload of ebola victims? Who is this? And where can I get the drugs they’re taking?
When You’ve Got Health, You’ve Got Everything
Freedom? Five bucks. Health? Five bucks. Inciteful Fiction? Free!
Who Was Martin Niemoller?
Who said “First they came for the Communists…” and why?
World Chancelleries
A collection of interviews in 1924 and 1925 with an aim toward world peace.
How to Smoke Dopey Laws
This one’s for all of you in Illinois, especially Gerald Mitchell: If you roll dried marijuana into rolling papers, light one end, and suck the smoke in from the other end, you might get high! You want to hold the smoke in your lungs for a couple of seconds. Don’t worry if you feel the urge to cough. If you can hold it, hold, otherwise just try again. Practice, practice, practice!

How to maximize your law-breaking.

Just grabbing one of those files isn’t enough for you, is it? You need to back over the corpse a few times. Want to test the limits of congressional authority? Try these sure-fire, guaranteed-2-please lawbreakn’ tips. Boy, you just don’t know when to quit, do you?

  • Send a copy to your spouse and ask their opinion. Ooops, broke the law again. Did I hear footsteps outside?
  • Print a copy (I recommend using some form of woodfree paper, such as hemp paper. No reason to punish the trees just because you’re feeling a little anti-social). Chances are, your printer is on a telecommunications network of some kind. You just broke the law again! Hear the breaking glass?
  • Put up a copy on your own web site. Tell all your friends! Let them initiate the transmission this time. Uh oh. You’re contributing to the delinquency of adults. Don’t you have any shame? Hear the scream? That’s your cat they just crushed with their boots.
  • Download a copy, if you’re on another computer, or upload it if you’re on your own. And keep a close eye on that barrel. It’s pointed at you.
  • Turn yourself in to your elected representative! When you write your congressperson, include a quote from the story. Not only will you be breaking the law, but if they go and print it out to report you, or forward the message to the secret police, they’ll be breaking the law, too! Make sure you point this out to them in large bloody letters, so they can’t claim they did it ‘unknowingly’.
  • See those dice at the top of the page? They’re standard dice, and they change every time you reload the page. Go make a few bets with your friends… and with Uncle Sam.