Date: Mon, 5 Dec 1994 09:40:31 -0500 From: [g--l--n] at [falcon.bgsu.edu] (Metroplex) Subject: FTP 514 ==== FIT TO PRINT by cathrine yronwode for the week of December 5, 1994 THIS IS FIT TO PRINT NUMBER 514: Last week i began a description of the yes-DC-did-commission-it, no-it's-not-going-to-be-printed, industry-insider's instant fax-classic, Batman by Moebius. Rumour has it that Moebius may reclaim the story, change the costume, and let Rick Veitch publish it, but for now, this is the tale you won't see. Recap: "The story start in 1942," pitting Batman against Beagle Boy #227, who steals Bruce Wayne's mother's pearl necklace, then dresses in women's clothing, and calls Batman a naughty name as an Art Spiegleman-esque rat (or Snowy the dog, from Tin Tin) runs by, dressed in a striped concentration camp prisoners' uniform. "Ooh no! Mom!" is the Caped Crusader's pathetic rejoinder. And now page five: In panel one, Depressman, disguised as Batman's mom (if his mom looked like H. G. Peters' Wonder Woman) pokes a stick at the Dark Knight from off-panel. Batman looks down and sheds a tear. Depressman says, "I will punish you because you are nothing more than an animal." Batman sobs, "Oooh Mommy! Nooo! Please!," to which the villain replies, "Quick!" Panel two closes in on "Mommy" and the stick. Behind her on the wall is a horizontal black zig-zag stripe. "You know the punishment!" she yells, "Take off your pants." Now things get strange. (Sure, i know that a story that has featured a Beagle Boy, Vladek Spiegleman/Snowy, and a stuffed fish (oh, i forgot to tell you about the stuffed fish? well, that was on page 3) is already strange but it does get stranger.) Batman pulls down his pants ("Sob Sob! Mommy Nooo! Don't do that!") and unexpectedly has the body of a chubby child. His cowl is gone, his bat-ears are natural, not part of his costume, and the black zig-zag from the wall of the previous panel is on his shirt, which makes him yes! Charlie Brown, from Charles Schulz's Peanuts! Depressman (now up-lit like Liberty (as in "the Statue of")) gloats for a panel and commences page six by caning the juvenile Bruce/Charlie ("Wippp Chtak" "Aiiiiiiiii"). Then, yanking off the wig and dress, he displays his 1940s women's underwear and declares that "Now. Batman is in a deep deep depression." Batman, adult and in costume, sobs, "Ooh Mommy! I love you so much! Why are you doing that to me? I didn't do nothing bad! Nothing!" Depressman, looking like the Riddler, introduces himself: "Ha Ha Ha Meet Depressman the greatest mass killer! King of all villains!" On page seven, time doubles back as Depressman, again in the garb of Mommy, once more beats the prostrate Charlie-Brown-with-bat-ears. This time she uses her open hand and says, "I punish you because I hate you! You and your horribles EARS!" "Suddenly" (yep, a Carl Barks caption!) we see a sad-looking boy with bat-ears imagining (in a big, puffy balloon) a visitation from Batman, who is accompanied by iconographic skyscapers and the crescent moon. "Don't be afraid, Billy, I am here," says the ethereal Detective. "Batman! My favorite hero!" cries the boy, looking down and away from the vision. And now the Batman-animus assumes full panel stature, standing tall, with a plump, demure woman by his side. This woman is dressed exactly like Depressman-Mommy, but instead of a domino mask, she wears wire rim glasses. He size and shape are those of Wonder Woman's sidekick, Etta Candy. "I brought your better mother with me, Billy," says Batman. "O Billy! I love you! I love men with long ears," smiles this new mom. Off-panel, Billy responds, "Oooh! Mother." "Meanwhile" Depressman gloats, "Now I am the master! The Master of the World! Ha ha ha ha ha!"-but he is abruptly punched in the face by Batman's gloved fist and can only summon a "?" in response. Finally, in a city park surrounded by sky-scrapers, Batman hands the unconscious villain to a uniformed cop who says, "Wonderful, Batman! You caught this maldito Depressman! But, tell me, how did you do to catch the public enemy #1, this time?" "Very simple, Captain! I spent a lot of time in the supertherapist's office." "The End." Indeed, indeed. ==== Fit to Print appears in print each week in Comics Buyers Guide and is available via e-mail. Tell your friends! To subscribe to Fit to Print via e-mail send a request with the words "Subscribe FtP" in the subject header and your address in the body of the message to [g--l--n] at [bgnet.bgsu.edu.] You will be added to the list and receive the next available issue. Backissues are available. FTP to nspace.cts.com and look in the Comics/About Comics/Comics News/Fit to Print directory. Responses are welcome and should be directed to [g--l--n] at [bgnet.bgsu.edu.] Fit to Print is Copyright 1994 Cathrine Yronwode. All rights reserved.