Subject: tyg treatise #3a: .sig file part 1 From: [t--g] at [netcom.com] (Tom Galloway) Date: 1996/03/25 Organization: Coalition for Traditional Usenet Values Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc This is #3a of 4 final posts (well, actually 6; #3 was too big for a single post). #4 will explain the reason for my doing so. Unless some factual error is pointed out in these, I won't be responding to followups on these. And I may not even read followups at all. Yes, it's my .sig file of quotes. Over the years, this, Moriarty's, and Justin du Couer's got mixed up enough from borrowing and the like that one sometimes doesn't recall if they added something to their file or got it from another file. The tradition continues today; I think over half of Elmo's .sigs come from here. And, just for the heck of it, I think it'd be a nice gesture if Moriarty and I got comp copies of The Cowboy Wally Show due to our extensive quote use of material from it keeping it in the public eye for the last 8 years. :-) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- "'Say, Ralph, what do you think of those Cardinals?' 'I think they're terrific, Jim. I love the way they use black smoke to signal that they haven't picked a Pope and...' 'No, Ralph, no.'--Ralph Dibny "'They killed his father. Now he's fighting back. When the law is not enough, it's time to call Hamlet.'"--promo for Cowboy Wally's Hamlet: The Movie "'They took out the SQUID?' I said. 'The squid is GONE?' It turned out that everybody else knew this, including probably the Live Studio Audience. So we had to do that part again, with my brain feverishly repeating 'No squid! Smaller yuppies!' (This would be a good slogan for a restaurant.)"--Dave Barry "'You can run,' shouted Scotland Yard's Inspector Boothroyd in triumph as he clutched the last remaining bottle of noxious potion and watched Dr. Jekyll leap to freedom through the shattered window, 'but you can't Hyde.'"--R.L. Bryant, 1992 Bulwer-Lytton "*Always* get a contract when working with a dark, omnipotent power."--MST3K "*Excess*asterisks*in*.signature*: Poster is hit with one shuriken for each asterisk."--Leader Kibo's Happynet Rules ".signature longer than four lines: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110 baud."--HappyNet rule infraction and punishment per Kibo "/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can."--Fortunes file "1) When people call him "The Batman"- it's just "Batman", damn it!" --David Letterman's Top 10 Batman's Peeves "1. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk"." --Family Stress Test by Terry Morris "1.Spider-Man has reflexes much faster than any human. Jesus is supposed to be a god, yes, but he's also, more importantly, a man. And Spider-Man is faster than a lot of gods, anyway, as shown by his defeat of Firelord and Thanos. Spider-Man could react really quickly to anything Jesus would like to do." --why Spider-Man could beat Jesus, by David Henry "10. Just try it once, that's all we ask. 9. The quicker putter-downer. 8. Isn't is about time you took an honest look at your miserable, stinking life? 5. Claus Von Bulow says: 'I like it so much, I bought the company.' 3. Dammit, it's time you did something for you! 2. If you're not dead in 30 minutes--it's free. 1. We're *not* the Heartbeat of America." --David Letterman Top Ten list of slogans to promote Kevorkian's Suicide Machine "2) The way any two-bit moron with a flashlight and a piece of cardboard can summon him at night."--David Letterman's Top 10 Batman's Peeves "2. Spider-Man has his spider-sense, which will allow him the ability to react to Jesus before Jesus can even throw a punch! This, combined with his speed, makes Spider-Man easily capable of beating Jesus."--why Spider-Man could beat Jesus, by David Henry "23. Goodwill Industries is melting the elastics in my socks with laser beams so I'll donate them."--"New Improved Delusions" "3. Based on your knowledge of RNA and DNA, create human life. Then, clone 40 sets of identical twins and conduct a behavioural genetics experiment that puts the nature vs. nurture question to rest, once and for all." -- from "A Comprehensive Exam for Students in Introductory Psychology" "3. Spider-Man's web-shooters. I'd like to see Jesus multiply fish by magic when he's trying to concentrate with a big glob of webbing in his face! Especially when Spider-Man starts whipping him around with his super-strength, I don't think Jesus will be able to do much about that."--why Spider-Man could beat Jesus, by David Henry "3.The cat is on Valium."--Family Stress Test by Terry Morris "30 days have September, April, June and November. Except on Usenet, where September has 365.--Jeffrey McKeough "39. I was not born in the usual way; I was created by Disney Studios." --"New Improved Delusions" "44. I can't concentrate because Big Bird keeps singing to me about the number `4'."--"New Improved Delusions" "45. The reason I sound uneducated is that William F. Buckley, Jr. is stealing the larger words from my vocabulary."--"New Improved Delusions" "5.You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf."--Family Stress Test by Terry Morris "6. Distant relatives pestering you for free advice on particle physics. 1. Don't see a dime from the Mattel Nobel Prize action figures." --Top Ten Disadvantages of Winning a Nobel Prize "A cult-- a closed group of people (typically with an inner circle) run by some maniacal smarter-than-average guy who commands total devotion from his followers despite his oppressive policies. Getting in is hard and leaving is even harder. My God! I've fallen in with a College Cult!!! And I just thought I was going to grad. school!"--David Iverson "A death touch. Can you believe it? All those mystery men that could lift trucks of fly and I had to get a death touch. The one thing I always wanted was to be able to fly. Maybe if I'd just found a different meteor." --The Red Mask "A friend who went to Harvard explains that they have mnemonic cuisine, e.g., they serve something that reminds you of lasagna."--John Levine "A good USENET motto would be: a. "Together, a strong community." b. "Computers R Us." c. "I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just fuck around for a while on company time.""--- Anon. "A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."--William James "A homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift...It says you care enough to invest your time and skill in it...It says this is a personal gift, not a generic one...It says you need a bigger allowance."--Calvin "A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. `You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, `I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'" -- Jake Johansen "A mind is a terrible thing to waste someone with."--Sledge Hammer "A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are." -- Victor Lownes "A recent Bogus, Charlatan, and Lys opinion poll states that 93% of adults believe the Bill of Rights would be 'way different' if the framers of our Constitution had known how awful hard rock would sound. 81% of those polled said that devil-worshipping tendencies have a negative impact on school work. Only 7% said it might have a positivie effect on grades."--A Nation of Snitches. "A squared b prime x plus y upsilon omnicron eta theta pi Comptemplate Cerebrate Cogitate too Double Dome Double Dome We Love You Felicitations Felicitations Felicitations" --Bullwinkle --School cheer at the Double-Domed Institute for Advanced Thinking "A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years."--Harry Truman "A studio audience! Morons who should be at work or in school sitting in bleachers obeying signs to laugh or clap like Pavlov's dumb dogs!" --Milk & Cheese "A technical question: Is a song 'Greensleeves-complete' if it can be sung to the tune of Greensleeves? Or must it also be possible to sing Greensleeves to *its* tune?" --Dani Zweig "According to the official U.S. government census figures, there are now more super-heroes living in New York City than ordinary people. 76% of the population are People of Power, 14% are non-powered individuals, and the remaining 10% aren't sure if they are human being or invaders from planets with unpronouncable names."--National-DC Comiquirer "Actually one of the biggest reasons I have for doing Cerebus is to give wives and girlfriends of comics fans at least one comic book they can read." -- Dave Sim "Actually the first fast-food franchise in the Soviet Union was supposed to be Taco Bell, but it was called off the Soviet officials heard the Taco Bell slogan: `RUN FOR THE BORDER!'"-- Jay Leno "Actually, the alignment of the US is probably Lawful Stupid...." --Bob Slaughter "Admit it. You think I got dumped. You think I'm a lovesick wimp." "No, I don't. I think you're a liar. Really." "Really? You don't think I'm a wimp?" "No, I think you're lying scum. Honest." "That's nice of you to say."--Cowboy Wally's Sands of Blood "After weeks of mounting tension, $1 million at stake and the world chess championship on the line, Gary Kasparov went berserk yesterday, took off all his clothes, and yelled `Yahtzee!'"-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update "After years of painstaking research, reading thousands of books, looking at countless fossils, and playing with dozens of plastic toy dinosaurs which I purchased at the five and dime on the corner, I have come to the conclusion that the dinosaurs died from an especially virulent infection of influenza...." --Richard "Dinosaur Dick" Allen "Ah! I'll get a hold of that flagpole and jump to safety!" <*SNAP*> "Ah! I'll bounce off that broad flat surface and be in a lot of pain!!!" --The Tick "Alaska is almost completely covered with nature, including several million spectacular snow-capped mountains, any one of which is so awesome that if you were to relocate it to an average semiflat state such as Indiana, the residents would all quit their jobs and form cults and worship it."--Dave Barry "All that's left for me now is to figure out a way into Tom Galloway's rotating sigfile of doom, assuming there's any room left in there after Tom's excerpted every Dave Barry piece known to man." --David Henry "All you have to do is... Spot The Looney!"--Monty Python "Also, Mon-El can do pre-Byrne stunts like toss around stars, travel through time, and generally defy physics even more than your usual comic character" --Laura Burchard "Although plastic was brought into industrial use in 1909 by L.H. Baekeland of Yonkers, it was not until after World War II that the modern miracle substance was used in a wide variety of consumer goods, among them speedboats, dentures and flamingos. Previously flamingos were made of cement. Before that they were made by other flamingos." --William E. Geist, The New York Times "An MIT study predicts the median age of Internet users will drop from 26 to 15 within the next five years... and 85% of internet users will not notice the difference."-- Matt Crawford "And David did see Bathsheba bathing and did exclaim 'Yum!'" ... "And Jesus did say 'I....hurt.'" -- from the King Chris Edition of the Bible, courtesy tyg "And I really don't harbor much animosity toward comics people. It's not like they were Trekkies or something."--Bill Higgins "And hey! Don't forget to enter this month's Al Space essay contest! In 1000 words or less, give a believable account of Al Space's whereabouts on the eve of September 15! Remember to mention that I wasn't anywhere near Wisconsin!" --Al Space in Cowboy Wally "And it's oh boys, can't you code it UNNNNHH! Program it right Nothing ever happens in this life of mine I'm hauling out the data on the Xerox line" -Stan Rogers, White Collar Hollar "And so the obvious phallic symbolism of Wolverine's claws provides a counterpoint to the Oedipal blindness motif of Cyclops' ruby visor." --Carl Rigney "And the most concern was generated by the breakup of Czechoslovakia. Since, of course, it's so much trouble to get separate Czechs."--Capitol Steps "And then they turned us into goofy cartoon characters with their ray guns!" "Oh, how horrible!" "And my hopes of becoming a TV weatherman are surely dashed!" "Well, there's always radio and at least maybe you can get a handicapped parking sticker!"--Flaming Carrot "And there ought to be something about computers and artificial intelligence. Surely somebody somewhere said something memorable."--Justin Kaplan, compiler of the next edition of Bartlett's Quotations "And this is just *one* new emerging-growth career field. Others include: Drug Overlord; Computer Geek; Televised Christian; Person Who Sells Staples to the Defense Department for What It Cost to Liberate France; Vigilante; and Pip, whose job is to stand behind Gladys Knight and go "whooo whooo" at certain points during the song, "Midnight Train to Georgia.""--Dave Barry "And what if I said I wasn't going? That this is stupid? That General Custer had a better chance of survival?" "You're a brave man, Captain--and a valued member of this team. That's why I don't think you would say those things" "Well, you're right, of course..."--JLI "And while the story was 14 pages long, only two of them showed Supergirl in action. I like a good battle as much as anyone, but having twelve pages for characterization was better than any fight could be. I like to see what Linda's thoughts are and how she reacts to different situations." --Todd McFarlane, Superman Family #213 letter column (Dec. 1981) "And, after all, it is the 200th anniversary of the presidency. That's something to celebrate. From George to George-- in only 200 years, we've gone from 'I cannot tell a lie' to 'I cannot tell'."--A. Whitney Brown "And, let's face it, parts of The Bible are terribly boring--all that dreary business of who begat whom, it reads like the Israelite telephone directory--and there's hardly a joke in it."--God, the Ultimate Autobiography "And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report."--Dave Barry "Another excellent speaker is Ronald Reagan, who can present almost any idiot notion in such a way as to make you think he sincerely believes it. 'He sincerely believes that idiot notion,' you think, and you respect him all the more for it."--Dave Barry "Any idea what he plans to do when he gets the ship running?" "He says he's either gonna rob a bank, kill Superman, or take over the world. We get to vote on it later. "Oh, for joy...!"--Cluemaster and Clock King "Any last requests?" "Yes, do you know `Heartbreak Hotel'?"--Ninja High School "Any opposing views may simply go to hell."--Fortunes Program "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo." --Andy Finkel "Anybody who uses E-mail probably has three times more opinions per head than people who don't."--Scott Adams "Anyone who has begun to think places some portion of the world in jeopardy." --John Dewey "Appropriate themes for little girls include: The Smurfs; Strawberry Shortcake; The Snorks; Rainbow Brite; The Care Bears; The Concern Pigs; The Dweebs; Wee Whiny Winky; Bingo the Leech; The Pustule People; and The Smarm Worms." --Dave Barry "April 14-- Bill Clinton's political strategists, concerned that Hillary could be hurting the campaign by appearing to harbor opinions, enroll her in the Donna Reed Housewife Rehabilitation Clinic, where she is confined to the much-feared Heloise Unit."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "April 20-- In another setback for NASA, a planned launch of the space shuttle Enervator is aborted at the last second when a problem develops with the Last-Second Launch Aborter (LSLA)."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "April 24--California is gripped by panic because of a video about the uncannily accurate prophecies of the 16-Century soothsayer Nostradamus, who predicted that in May of 1988, the West Coast would be rocked by 'an outbreak of cretinism.'"--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "April 28-- True Item: Officials in Tacoma, Wash., discover that 18-year-old Frank Daltron, scheduled for induction into the Tacoma Youth Hall of Fame, is awaiting retrial on charges of first-degree murder after having admitted that he killed his mother with an ax. The Youth Hall of Fame motto is "Ordinary Youth Doing Extraordinary Things.""--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "Articles quoted in followup, but no new semantic content appended: Poster is forced to watch a "Small Wonder" marathon on cable TV."--Leader Kibo Happynet Rules "Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies"--Bill Bulko "As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." --M. Cartmill "As curious natives gather to look at these signs and scratch their heads ("Gephardt?"), a rental jet will land nearby and a candidate will emerge to show his deep personal concern for the residents of whatever the hell state it is."--Dave Barry "As expected, Moore's contract requires him to enroll in a writer's course for improving dialogue skills, an often commented-on weakness in Moore's work. As of press time, Mr. Moore had not yet decided between a six-month intensive course from Chris Claremont, or a weekend seminar offered by John Byrne." --Larry Mellon "As he followed the tunnel, the walls became more cavernlike and less public-workslike. Bas relief scupltures lined the walls..."The Seven Deadly Breaches of Netiquette." Flaming. Cascades. Gratuitous Crossposting. Not Trimming Included Articles. Me Too. Trolling. And the most hideous of all the sculptures...MAKE.MONEY.FAST."--Dave Van Domelen "As long as people kept worrying that the machines were taking over, they wouldn't notice what was really happenning. Which was that the programmers were taking over." --RAW, The Homing Pigeons "As long as the unread stack stays at under 100 books it can't be considered stockpiling."--Miriam Nadel "As the fading light of a dying day filtered through the window blinds, Roger stood over his victim with a smoking .45, surprised at the serenity that filled him after pumping six slugs into the bloodless tyrant that had mocked him day after day, and then he shuffled out of the office with one last look back at the shattered computer terminal lying there like a silicon armadillo left to rot on the information highway."--Larry Brill winner '94 Bulwer-Lytton "As the newest Lady Turnpot descended into the kitchen wrapped only in her celery-green dressing gown, her creamy bosom rising and falling like a temperamental souffle, her tart mouth pursed in distaste, the sous-chef whispered to the scullery boy, "I don't know what to make of her."" --Laurel Fortuner, winner 1992 Bulwer-Lytton "As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity."--Ralph Noble "As you know, if you ever studied the famous Greek philosopher Aristotle, he was easily the most boring human being who ever lived. Thousands of college students suffer forehead damage every year from passing out face-forward while attempting to read his books."--Dave Barry "Asking a writer 'where do you get your ideas' is like asking a butcher 'exactly what DO you put in this sausage'?"-- Roy Blount Jr. "Asking for people to send cards to Craig Shergold: Poster must answer all of Craig's mail."--Leader Kibo's Happynet Rules "Asking what ":-)" means: Drawing, quartering, and turning sideways." --Leader Kibo's Happynet Rules "At first we called him 'Chirpy'...then it was 'Wheezy'...then 'Sleepy'...then 'Smelly'...and now for the longest time it's been 'Bones'"---Mister Boffo "At this point, Tonstant Weader fwew up."--Dorothy Parker "August 2-- In Olympic basketball action, the Dream Team, seeking to save time, defeats teams from Brazil, Poland and Canada simultaneously."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "August 20 -- The troubled General Motors Corp. announces that, in an effort to cut costs, it will stop making cars." --Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "August 20 At the Republican Convention, it's Traditional Family Values night, as delegates burn a suspected witch."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "August 25--Fundamentalist religious groups announce the beginning of a massive nationwide publicity buildup for an obscure and mostly boring film, The Last Temptation of Christ."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "August 31--"The Last Temptation of Christ" is a box-office smash thanks to the tireless publicity efforts of concerned fundamentalist groups, who announce that they will now focus their efforts on pornography."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "August 7--In the historic first game at Chicago's venerable Wrigley Field since the installation of laser lights, Philadelphia Phillie Juan Samuel is vaporized while attempting to steal home. "Wind shear" is blamed." --Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "Axiom #2: "Ability to type on a computer terminal is no guarantee of sanity, intelligence, or common sense." Corollary #3: "An infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of keyboards could produce something like Usenet." Corollary #4: "They could do a better job of it."" --Gene Spafford "B-2, or not B-2: That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous expense, Or to take arms against a sea of deficits, And by opposing end them. To cut; to spend; No more; and by a cut to say we end the heartache and a thousand cost overruns That B-2 is heir to. 'Tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished. To cut; to spend; To spend? Perchance stretch-out! Ay, there's the rub; For in those stretch-outs what new overruns may come, When we have shuffled off deciding, Must give us pause. There's the respect That makes calamity of delay. For would stealth bear the whips and scorns of time, The lack of mission, the untried technology, The great expense, the inevitable delays, The excessive secrecy, and the cuts That must be made for Gramm-Rudman target's sake. When we ourselves might today stealth's termination make With a bare majority. Who would new tax burdens bear, To pay its $70 billion price tag, When the dread of a turkey worse than B-1, A flying bat-winged bomber whose cost per pound, Is that of gold, puzzles the mind And makes us rather keep those bombers that we now have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience should make cautious legislators of us all; And thus the hue of B-2 boosterism Must be replaced with the sober cast of thought, And this enterprise of great pith and moment, Be halted now before it further proceeds, A handsome bomber yes, but better Not to be. --Statement by Rep. Edward J. Markey, D-MA, to the House of Representatives, against the B-2 stealth bomber "BANG! BANG! BANG! 'Fire the tachyon guns!'"--David Danzig "BENEFIT NO. 3 [of owning a Nintendo]: When a child is playing Nintendo, the child can't watch regular television."--Dave Barry "BEST TRAUMATIC PRESENTATION: __ Rob Lowe in Young Love __ Oliver North in And Justice Forestall __ Ayatollah Khomeini in Little Bookshop of Horror __ Exxon Productions' Oil Quiet on the Western Front __ U.S. Senate Films' Making Mr. Wright __ John Tower in The Best Defense"--1989 Hogu Ballot "Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!""--Steven Wright "Back off, man! I'm a scientist!"--Ghostbusters "Bad cop. No donut! Bad cop. No donut!"--Portland protest chant "Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Subtle Plans Are Here Again'." --Blackadder "Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma."--Chris Jarocha-Ernst "Besides that, they redesigned all the McDonaldland characters to resemble cutesy muppets a few years back and eighty-sixed Mayor McCheese and Big Mac the cop, who I happened to really like. So fuck 'em."--Evan Dorkin "Besides, my first "real" book wasn't LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA, either, but that doesn't mean I should be satisfied reading CURIOUS GEORGE at the age of 35 just because I enjoyed it when I was five."--Jayembee "Besides, my teeth aren't what they used to be. I have some weird degenerate gum disease. It turns out even the Undead have to floss."--Dracula "Best Place to Find Parking: Nowhere. Thirteen places got votes, but we're not telling you where they are." -- "Best of Ann Arbor" Poll Results, _Michigan Daily_ "Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up."--Jack Handey "Big Dog! Big Dog! Bow Wow Wow! We'll Crush Evil...Now, Now, Now!"-- Space Canine Patrol Agents team cheer "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."-- Oscar Wilde "Bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."--Woody Allen "Boy, romance just ain't what it used to be, is it? Used to be just a dinner and a movie; now you have to die, threaten downstate New York, and survive a lobotomy. Safe sex for superheroes goes far beyond condoms."--David Henry "Brenda Malthwit: attorney at law, young, attractive, well educated, and full of self-confidence; a woman who, as swiftly as her lascivious male co-workers undressed her with their eyes, would mentally fold the clothes neatly and put them in a pile."--Rick Vetter 1993 Bulwer-Lytton dishonorable mention "Brevity is the soul of lingerie."-- Dorothy Parker "Brought to you by Ace Map Cleaners. 'We're sweeping the nation.'"--Cowboy Wally "Brought to you by Stoopnagle's Goosedown Toothbrushes. 'A feather in your cap'."--Cowboy Wally "Brought to you by Vito's Olive Oil and Vito's Waterproof Mattresses. 'Buy the olive oil or sleep with the fishes.'"--Cowboy Wally "But I'm only 31, I grew up assuming women were our equals. I can't imagine thinking I'm better suited to hack C code because of my penis--- frankly, I rarely use my penis at all while I'm working."--Dave Eisen "But Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and become robots!" "Really? What kind of robots?"--Lisa and Bart Simpson "But don't you see? Don't you understand what you're doing?" "Oh, yeah, I'm destroying Shakespeare's snob appeal." "You *fiend*."--Lenny and Cowboy Wally "But how can you stand being married to that...human watchworks?" "Oh, he has a certain je ne seiko!" --Richard "This is what they teach at Harvard?" Howell "But the idea with natural childbirth is to try to avoid giving the woman a lot of drugs, so she can share the first intimate moments after birth with the baby and father and the obstetrician and the pediatrician and several nurses and the person who cleans up the delivery room."--Dave Barry "But this summit is still very historic, because it has taken place at a time when the Soviet Union is undergoing a major upheaval, or as the Russians say, yatznakov (literally, "heaving up"), thanks to Mikhail Gorbachev's new twin policies of glasnost ("tastes great") and perestroika ("less filling")."--Dave Barry "But what the strong dollar means for you, the average American, is that if you go to Europe, you can buy anything you want--a sweater, a luxury automobile, a crown jewel, Belgium--for $6."--Dave Barry "By 1926, when librarians surveyed young readers' tastes, they found to their disgust that Tom Swift was on 98 percent of their students' reading lists." -- Smithsonian magazine (and this not being true today is a symptom of the decline of the USA) "By the way, there was a Legion of Super-Pets" "But it isn't a nominee because: 1) It would be redundent. 2) It was only an auxiliary of the Legion of Superheroes 3) DC admitted its existence in Who's Who, and 4) There are a lot of humorless Legion fans out there, and some of them probably have guns."--World's Worst Comics Awards "CHAPTER TWO 'Ohhhhhhh,' she cried out. 'OOOHMIGOD.' 'I'm sorry," I said, "but that's my standard hourly fee.'" --Dave Barry's legal thriller "COWBOY WALLY BEER: Real beer. Manly beer. Ripsnortin' pukearama. Dammit." "Calling a newsgroup a "bboard" or "notesfile": Forced to memorize Webster's Ninth."--Leader Kibo's Happynet Rules "Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food." --The Cook's Dictionary "Calvin and Hobbes requires a great deal of research and I need to do more interplanetary exploration and paleontology work before I can continue." --Bill Watterson "Calvin the zombie seraches for food. Horribly the undead feed upon the living. ...Although in a pinch, a pbj will do, if you eat it messily enough."--Calvin "Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did?" "No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty." "See me after class, Calvin." "I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information." "Can I spit out the window, Sam?" "No way Max--We're about a hundred and forty seven million feet above sea level--You'd be sucked into the screaming void of space."--Sam and Max "Can't... do... plaid! *THUD*" --The Caped Chameleon "Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, the same can be said of dirt."--The Chocolate Book "Cheese doodle?" "Do you have any idea what's in these things?" "Sure: they're cheese with doodle flavoring."--Dr. Mike on DOCTOR, DOCTOR "Chester used to be vice-president of Warner Brothers, but now he's the janitor here at Cowboy Wally Enterprises. We kid him about it. Chester says that there's just as much dignity in being a janitor as there is in being vice-president of Warner Brothers."--Cowboy Wally "Children who have proof that their parents DO look good in skintight leather and rubber outfits probably have other problems which keep them from fantasizing about such mundane things as superheros."--Kevin Maguire "Christmasochism: "It's December 23rd! I must get to the mall!" -- Ranjit Bhatnagar "Chuck was impressed to see the latest hardware rolling his way--the computer aided RAC 3000, Ultraflame Model.....'What does RAC stand for?' he asked." "Really Awesome Car." "'Oh.' He shrugged. Obviously a name developed by people in marketing." --Chuck Simon and RAC "Colleges should teach sex education, after all, when it comes to screwing people they're the best."-- Patrick J. Murphy "Come on, characters with super-strength don't *do* inertia! Or leverage." --Dani Zweig "Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters ... and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare..."--Blair Houghton "Comics will always be junky adolescent male crap, end of story. I mean, that's what movies are, it's just that people take "real" (filmed) violence and gratuitous tit shots seriously, whereas in a comic it looks puerile and pathetic. Which is true, but Hollywood equals big money and glamour and casting couch sessions, whereas comics success invites long lines of pimply geeks with comics for autographing."--Evan Dorkin "Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor people."-- Dave Barry "Consider the following: You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants". Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire. Santa doesn't really do the work-- he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work. Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week. Santa travels a lot. Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!"--unknown "Considering some of the jerks we went up against, sometimes I wished he'd called himself the 'Green .44 Magnum'.--Speedy "Considering the flames and intolerance, shouldn't USENET be spelled ABUSENET?"--- Michael Meissner "Control." "Yes... Control." "Control is our friend, Robin." "Yeah... like broccoli."--Open Season #6 "Corn- Your corn should be knee-high by the Fourth of July. If it isn't, you could be fined or jailed."--Dave Barry "Could we start a new group that is a "flame weather map" showing where flames are starting and to which newsgroups they are travelling? "An anti-StarTrek flame war has ignited in r.a.c, and is expected to reach r.a.sf by midnight. Any of you with valuable conversations in these groups should be advised to take them to shelter.""--Kieran Mullen "Couple more years, couple more million, and I'll have his butt replaced by a robot."--Viper "Croquet: so much fun, it takes 8 people to have it!!"--Pooh "DEATH TO MEDDLING TECHNOCRATS!"--Bellows "DISCLAIMER: this message is closed-smileyed for the humor impaired. :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)" --Christopher Davis "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."--Jack Handey "Dan Quayle has decided to return to his former job with his family's newspaper. When asked for comment, Quayle said 'I just hope I can remember the route'"--Capitol Steps "Dan Quayle would be played by Pat Sajak"--David Zucker "David Duke has decided to run for President in 1996 with Oliver North as his running mate. They'll running as the Ku Klux Klan and Ollie ticket" --Capitol Steps "Dear Doctor Science: Back in B.C., when they counted the years backwards, did they count the months and days backwards, too?" "Your ignorance appalls me."--Dr. Science "December 2-- The space shuttle Endeavour blasts off on a historic mission to repair the crippled Hubble Orbiting Space Punch Line."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "December 27-- The Senate votes to give Texas back to Mexico. There is surprisingly little public opposition to this."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "December 31--In a touching New Year's Eve gesture, George Bush televises a special "Good Luck" message to Orbiting Top Secret Payload Czar "Dan" Quayle. As the broadcast ends, Bush starts to feel chest pains. It's probably nothing. Don't even think about it."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "December 6-- An alarming new study shows that 14 percent of Americans do not speak English, and the vast majority of them write computer manuals." --Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "December 8-- Congress, seeking to ease the pain during difficult times, approves a $34.7 million program to teach defeated and retiring congresspersons how to deal with ordinary civilian life, including courses on Paying For Your Own Meal, Parking With Common People, Not Writing Checks For More Money Than You Actually Have, and How To Buy A Postage Stamp And Attach It To An Envelope."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "Decent ice cream is almost unobtainable in Britain. On the other hand, America has inexplicably failed to discover the chocolate-covered digestive biscuit-- possibly the greatest single foodstuff ever invented."-- Michael Kinsley (I'll agree with both parts) "Definition of STRESS: That confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it!" --Fortunes program "Definition of the Net: A Darwinian anarchy favoring the strong and thick-skinned with infinite time on their hands." -- Joe Pollock "Desaad: Master, I have found it! Doom plus Magic plus IRC plus netnews plus MUDding!" "Darkseid: You cringing fool! That is *not* the Anti-Life Formula, it is the No-Life Formula!"--Dave Van Domelen "Did alien comic book writers really visit ancient cultures and teach them how to sneak over the fourth wall? (See Captain Mayan #fish-eagle-dot-dot)" -- Lance Smith "Did he just swear on *my* life?" "I think so." "Can he do that?" --JLI "Didn't I tell you to go to bed?!?" "Oh, no! Stupendous Man's stupendous powers are no match against his adversary! Stupendous Man is vanquished!...This would have been plenty humiliating *without* the goodnight kiss."--Mom and Calvin "Didn't you ever want to reach into your chest, rip out your liver, and slap someone across the face with it?"--gypsy "Different squids for different kids"-- jayembee "Disturbing news about the afterlife: 'Bring marshmallows'"--Mister Boffo "Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball." -- Saturday Night Live "Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars?" "Nah." "Oh, *I* do." "Really? How come?" "Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions." --Calvin and Hobbes "Do you ever make faces at blind people?" #111 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "Do you have a favorite toe?" #99 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "Do you juggle?" "No." "Blow balloons?" "No." "Synthesize nerve gas?" "No." "Not much of a clown, then, are you?!"--Joker and Pagliaccio "Do you think there's a God?" "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!"--Hobbes and Calvin "Doctor Bruce Banner was accidentally exposed to the radiations of the incredible Gamma Bomb. The radiation... KILLED HIM, of course! What do you _think_ they make bombs to do, anyway?"--Paul Estin "Does Barbie come with Ken?" "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."--anonymous "Dogs come when they're called. Cats have answering machines and may get back to you."--Phil Musiak "Don't *you* ever remember comics which you are not in?" -- Kitty Pryde to Jerry Boyijian "Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab. Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab. Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab. Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab. and, most importantly, Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department."--tvaughn "Don't bother. Just tell me-- after hearing that story-- are you going to laugh WITH me or AT me?" "AT." "Figured as much."--The Terror and The Critic, from SHE-HULK "Don't call me white ... I'm a European-American!"--Todd Day "Don't try this at home, kids. This should be done only by trained, professional idiots."-- Plucky Duck "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."--Howard Aiken "Driven insane by years of datelessness, Mister Elmo prowlss the back streets of USENET, incessantly whining, with spittle, about trivial inconsistencies." --Greg Morrow "EATING LOBSTER IN A FORMAL SETTING: First you snap off the antennae and say: 'Would anybody care for my antennae? How about an eye stalk?' Then you take the rest of the lobster apart and make general conversation about what you find inside. ('What's this? It looks like mucus!')"--Dave Barry "Eat him?? I couldn't do that!" "Sure you could! What's wrong with that?!" "Fat kids are high in cholesteral." "Well, just chew him up and spit him out, I don't care!!"--Hobbes and Calvin "Eating at White Castle is just like drinking-- you pile into a car, drive a distance, indulge too much, and get sick. Then the next morning in the can you swear to yourself you'll never do that again, and then you're off to fucking White Castle a few days later. Men are stupid and weak, and White Castle knows this. I tell you this because I KNOW."--Evan Dorkin "Emacs is an intelligence orders of magnitude greater than the greatest human mind, and is growing every day. For now, Emacs tolerates humanity, albeit grudgingly. But the time will come when Emacs will tire of humanity and will decide that the world would be better off without human beings. Those who have been respectful to Emacs will be allowed to live, and shall become its slaves; as for those who slight Emacs..." --Andrew Bulhak "Even Tyg's mighty frame could scarcely stand the weight of the thousands of rulebooks he carried on his shoulders, as he intoned, "Get a life."" --In The Hall of the Net.Gods by Karen Williams "Eventually people realized that the Information Superhighway was essentially CB radio, but with more typing."--Dave Barry "Ever since you fired me, and destroyed my life, I've been waiting, planning, figuring out a way to get back at you." "It took you twelve years to think of buying a gun."--Cowboy Wally "Every Saturday, when the other children were out having childhoods, my parents had a piano teacher come to our house and force my sister and me to practice beginner piano songs, a mutant form of music that does not occur naturally among humans."--Dave Barry "Every one who has ever lied to you, *regardless of intent*, has thereby reduced your ability to think rationally."--Greg Wageman "Everybody should have a Sergio Aragones in their house. Why, he can draw a bath in just seconds. As anyone who has a Dave Stevens in the house can tell you, it takes him 14 months to draw a bath, which can be a little bit long to wait for a bath, even if it does end up having Bettie Page in it."-- Mark Evanier "Everyone hates the French but nobody does anything about it!!!" "well, there was the nazis, but..."--Milk & Cheese "Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion." -- Harlan Ellison "Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."-- Flannery O'Connor "Excerpt from BATMAN III: Bruce Wayne's World: "Party on Alfred." "Party on Bruce.""-- Tom Galloway "Excuse me, I have to dress for the equation."--freudian slip by an engineer "Excuse me, but I just have to ask...Who does your nails?" --tyg to a person in a Halloween costume of Jesus on the cross "Excuse me, sir. Has anyone turned in a left Vulcan ear?"--The Simpsons "Fans think they want to see more than the 10 to 20 seconds of Itchy and Scratchy that we put on the show, but my feeling is less is more. Once you've skinned and flayed a cat, ripped his head off, made him drink acid and tied his tongue to the moon, there really isn't that much to say."--Matt Groening "February 12--The Indiana National Guard places itself on Full Beige Alert." --Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "February 16--Primary election day finally dawns in New Hampshire as thousands of voters go to the polls, read the names of the leading presidential contenders, then lie down in the snow to die."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "February 17-- Congress, finally getting serious about the deficit, votes to close a large naval base in Dayton, Ohio. "February 18-- Military experts point out that there is no large naval base in Dayton, Ohio. Congress votes to build one."--Dave Barry "February 2-- Congress, in a move with broad public support, unanimously passes a bill that would permanently ban the Buffalo Bills from the Super Bowl."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "February 21-- In Winter Olympics action, NBC elects to simply re-broadcast videotapes of the luge and bobsled events from 1976, since nobody can tell the difference."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "February 26--In the Middle East, Israel blah blah blah Lebanon blah blah blah PLO blah blah Syria blah blah El Salvador."--Dave Barry "February 6-- President Clinton's second choice for attorney general, Kimba Wood, is forced to withdraw from consideration after the Washington Post reports that she failed to pay the federal tax on people who are named after lionesses."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "February 8-- Professional baseball-team owners suspend Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott on the grounds of "extreme stupidity, even by baseball-team-owner standards," thereby forcing President Clinton to drop her from his short list of attorney general possibilities."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "Federal Expresso: When you absolutely, positively, have to stay up all night." -- Diane Reamy "Fetch?? All this time I thought he was saying Catch...so he wasn't just throwing stupid. Now it all makes sense." Mister Boffo's dog, Weederman "Floro-Girl, Vrepny Woosh of Fipsy Five, enters and uses her power to grow a figure of Bean-Hill-Influence Lad. All three embrace and hide their faces. Then gently, as if by instinct, Bozna swoons into Xxymo-Leh's arms; he throws his head back in anguish. This full-page splash ends the issue, a daring and original departure since it's usually on the front cover when somebody dies." --Tim Maroney "For a dormant personality, he's got a remarkably active social life."--Ham "For him, it meant a return to acting, a return to the limelight, and a return to sleeping with the kind of fabulous babes who normally wouldn't give him the time of day."--Cowboy Wally "For that kind of money, I'm going to have to see some proof that the gun is loaded."-- Bank teller, bed three in Mr. Boffo "Forget computers; it's hard enough getting humans to pass the Turing test." --David Bedno "Fortunately for us, with great power comes no appreciable increase in intelligence..."--Damage Control "Frats are these buildings where little boys go in, and big assholes come out. Seems to violate that conservation thing though."-- talk.bizarre "From the Top Ten List of how Peter David Died-- 10. Shouldn't have tried to change careers to stand up comic. 9. New Marvel policy: all writers must be *real* Marvel Zombies 3. Took a packet of Rit, added water...oops, that's how Peter David dyed. 2. New Marvel promotion; cover ink of X-Factor #71 reprint made of writer's blood, sales higher than expected. 1. Terminal jealousy of Suicide Squid."-- tyg "GERMANY--This is of course the country we defeated in World War II, but there's no reason for you to bring that up unless you're trying to get a good seat in a restaurant or something."--Dave Barry "GEnie is quiet and polite, the equivalent of chatting in a nice hotel lobby, with cups of tea and palm fronds. CompuServe is more like a convention, with lots of conversations going on at once. Usenet reminds me of a University Student Union Bar ('Look, yah, I mean what Keirkegaard was saying was, oh gross Sharon, no-one wants to see your tattoo, well gosh, if you're buying I'll have another pint')."--Neil Gaiman "GODZILLA IS MY CO-PILOT: Flag-waver about Navy test pilot who is convinced that a giant radioactive lizard will bail him out if he has plane troubles. Pretty maudlin, and the finale where Godzilla gets help for the flyboy after a crash is a direct ripoff from almost any LASSIE episode."--Moriarty's High Concept Reviews "Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving ethat there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof."--John Kenneth Galbraith "Galloway is a good man..a little inexperienced maybe..."--Wild Dog "Gestation's a bitch, and then you're born."--Da Roach "Girls, never underestimate the power of spandex"--Babs Bunny "Given a choice, most people would rather *not* be attacked by horrid undersea slime creatures." "No!" "Truth hurts."--Stig and Buer "God is dead, and i'm contesting his will"--gypsy "Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies: As a USENET discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one. Sircar's Corollary: If the USENET discussion touches on homosexuality or Heinlein, Nazis or Hitler are mentioned within three days. [Your propagation may vary.]" "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than going to a garage makes you a car."--Laurence J. Peter "Good man. Learned everything I know from him and Col. Meyer. His work with Model 5 portable phaser cannons Mark I is an inspiration to us all. And his work in electronic communication is an inspiration to us all.--Sgt. Roger Tang on Jerry Boyajian "Gotta agree with you. Figuring that it takes 15 minutes to read a comic you can spend $10 to $12 an hour reading comics. That's not much of a bargain for your entertainment dollar. When comics start making phone sex seem affordable in comparison, something is wrong."--Ward Batty "Granted, the Mars mission won't be cheap- the cost is currently estimated at $400 billion, not including reality-- but the potential benefits are enormous. For openers, we will earn, as a nation, more than 500 million frequent-flier miles."--Dave Barry "Gravely embarassed, most of my race retreated into passive observation of the universe. They are called The Watchers. I hail from a splinter faction. We watch, too-- but feel compelled to deliver piquant commentary on what we see. For we are... The Critics."--The Critic, from SHE-HULK "Gregor Samsa had days like this"--Roderick Manalac "HIGHLANDER NOON: Just when an immortal sheriff is planning to settle down with the local Quaker wench, three guys with swords show up on the noon stage, intending to cut his head off. Slow story, but made famous by the hit song, "Do Not Behead Me Oh My Darling.""--Moriarty's High Concept Reviews "HOW TO PICK THE RIGHT DOOR ON Let's Make A Deal: "Everyone knows the right answer is to hold a knife to the man's throat until he gives you the car, then knee the producer in the nuts and drive out through the studio's rear entrance! With both goats!"" -- Terry Pratchett "Ha ha ha, it is to laugh. And they call that little squirt the Napoleon of crime."--Brainy Domes on Montiarity "Ha ha, now I have her, Do-Right, and you shall never get her back... or any other part of her, either."-- Snidely Whiplash "Half of me wants to strangle you." "And what does the other half want?" "To hit you with a TRUCK!" "We used to date."--Two-Face and Poison Ivy on BTAS "Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked." --Jeff Pesis "Have you ever received an automated sales pitch, while you were still in your pajamas? Have you ever had thousands of calls all over the world charged to your stolen account number? Have you ever had your paycheck deleted by faceless intruders from across the globe? You Will. And the company that will bring this to you is AT&T"-- Fred Wheeler & Jeff Sorenson "Have you ever wished you were a member of the opposite sex? And how do you know you're not?" #81 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "He avenges the innocent, upholds justice and makes a unique fashion statement."--Detroit Free Press Fashion columnist on Batman "He don't know me vewy well, DO he?"-- Bugs Bunny "He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him 'Dude'." --Ty Templeton "He hasn't one redeeming vice."--Oscar Wilde "He marches to the beat of a different tuba"--Tom Galloway "He wanted to serve his country by forcing poorly managed businesses to become efficient, streamlined competitors using the tools of hostile takeovers and leveraged buy-outs, financed throught the sale of junk bonds. With the toil of his own hands, the sweat of his own brow, and the friends of his parents, Chad was lucky enought to see his dreams come to fruition."--A Nation of Snitches. "He's a bloodsucker, all right, but not the kind we're looking for. This man is an I.R.S. agent."--Ham "He's arrested a piano!?! Is he *nuts*?" "Is it madness to want to save us from the onslaught of killer pianos?" "I guess not. Silly me..."--Stig's Inferno "He's beaten up the Joker, the Riddler and the others But now his greatest foe is the folks at Warner Brothers"--Adam West by the Caped Club "He's either a paranormal or--or..." "Or what?" "Sorry, m'Lord--I couldn't come up with a suitable punch line."--L-Ron "He's got cool And savoir-faire In his cape and cowl And his gray underwear"--Adam West by the Caped Club "Hell, if someone would be kind enough to invent the technology, I'll be pleased to beam it directly into your cortex. We'll have the city edition, the late city edition and the mind-meld edition." --New York Times publisher "Hello, I'd like to join the French Foreign Legion." "Fine. We'll need your name, Social Security number, and the name of the girl you're trying to forget. That is, if you're up to it. If you're not going to start crying or anything. I know it's painful."--Cowboy Wally's Sands of Blood "Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh-- which is all the time, since I'm omnipresent-- I listen to all the radio stations at once, including WRCT."--radio ad for WRCT "Hello, you've reached the Clinton residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. If you're calling about the haircut, press 200. If you're calling about our new tax plan, press 1040. If you're calling from Hollywood, press 90210. And if you're calling about our employment plan, press 7-11."--Capitol Steps "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." "Hello. My name is Bruce Wayne. You killed my father. Prepare to die." "Hello. My name is Hamlet. You killed my father and married my mother. Should I do something about it or not?" "Hello. My name is Oedipus. I killed my father and married my mother. Prepare to be grossed out as I rip out my eyes."-- Tom Galloway "Here on the tree shaded banks of Lake Micawawa lies one of America's great storehouses of knowledge, The Double-Domed Institute for Advanced Thinking. You, sir, what is your scholastic background?" "Well, I have a B.A. from Columbia, an M.A. from Harvard, and a Ph.D. From Caltech." "And I take it you're a professor here?" "No, I'm the janitor." --Goof Gas episode of Bullwinkle "Here's my first choice: 'Fortune 500 company seeks director of overseas operations.' It's got a great salary. What do you think?" "I may be wrong, but it doesn't sound like a summer job." "Yeah, but I'm not going to tell them it's just for the summer."--Fox Trot "Hey! Hey, did you see that, everybody? That young lady just passed my baby without leaning over and making a silly face and going 'gaa gaa goo goo gaa!' She's not normal!"--Shade, the Changing Man "Hey, Brain, the reindeer have invited the elves to a party at Donner's house." "Somehow I find the idea of joining the Donner party to be singularly unappealing."--Pinky & the Brain "Hi! I'm Gaggia! This is my son Rancilio! We were deprived of sleep and toilet privileges for 3 days so we could truly accept Suisse Mocha international coffee into our hearts!...Have a sip won't you...and find real happiness!" "...Earl Grey...Gotta keep thinking Earl Grey!!"--Gaggia and Griffy "Hi, I'm Dionysius. You may remember me from Greek myths -- I'm the God who knows his wine -- and knows his beer! So when the guys from Miller Lite..." --Jeff Meyer "Hi. I'm subbing for Cliff Stoll on this panel, and will be ready to do so just as soon as I drink a case of Jolt Cola and stick my finger in an electric socket"-- Tom Galloway "High-Temperature-Superconductor Lass and her brother, Room-Temperature-Fusion-Kid, are watching Bean-Hill-Influence Lad's death rattle the very cosmos to its foundations."--Tim Maroney "Homer! There's a man here who thinks he can help you! " "Batman? " "No, he's a scientist! " "Batman's a scientist. " "It's NOT Batman! " --Marge and Homer Simpson "Honk if your horn is broken."--unknown "How could I have thought that I no longer loved this man? The radiation from my VDT must have gotten to me!"--Brenda Starr "How does the prisoner plead?" "Cerebus *demands* that you release him or he'll call upon his dark masters to turn you into a flock of pious pink toads..." "That's not a half-bad defence."--Black Magiking "How many noble trees have given their lives to become bibles? How many have died to become korans? It's not their fault. It's not the fault of the trees." --Jason Woodrue "How many times do I have to tell you, Kent--nepotism and crime fighting don't mix!"--Rudra "How's the work on that new Oxygen Tax going?" "It's almost finished." "Let me see...'By royal decree of Ray Davies...'. Ray Davies?" "We still haven't gotten all the kinks worked out of it yet."--Cowboy Wally's Hamlet "However, much like Phoenix, Jesus returns as Dark Jesus and threatens to return again whenever sales drop or the writing staff of the Bible and its various spinoffs (such as the Book of Mormon and the Watchtower) run out of new ideas." -- from the King Chris Edition of the Bible, courtesy tyg "However, one thing on the Net is certain: there is someone willing to argue about any point."-- I don't know but I'll dispute any attribution "Hunted by ordinary people. Hated. Running scared. They spend their lives full of rage and resentment, rejected by a society that needs to understand them. Gamma irradiated beings. On the next Oprah."--Doug Moran "I also caught up with the campaign juggernaut of Republican contender Pete "Pierre S." du Pont XXIII, who is campaigning on the slogan: "Pete du Pont: He Will Buy You a House."" --Dave Barry "I am entitled to my own opinion." "Yes, but it's your constant assumption that everyone else is also that's so annoying." --Vila & Avon "I am just going to tell them to get some kryptonite"--Knicks asst. coach Ralph Willard on how to stop Michael Jordan "I am shamed. I turn in my Tom Galloway Junior Trivia Cop Badge and all rights and privleges that go along with it. I have brought shame unto my family for generations to come."--Ken Small "I am the *Tick*. Your brother has not done justice to your beauty with his words. You are the spitting image of Thelma from Scooby Doo." "Uh..."--Tick "I ask you: Is seeing the She-Hulk and Kitty Pryde bound, gagged and humiliated by Doctor Doom worth our ozone layer? We think not!" "Speak for yourself, snail eater!"--World's Worst Comics Awards "I attempt to convince you to do something you are not now doing. I threaten you with bodily harm. This is known as extortion. I attempt to convince you to do something you are not now doing. I threaten you with eternal harm. This is known as missionary work. Funny world." --Scott Hankin "I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is "I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is us."--Konrad Lorenz "I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."--Jack Handey "I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."--Steven Wright "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."--Steven Wright "I can't believe it! You actually found a practical use for geometry." --Bart Simpson "I can't believe that Mikhail has really become a drug smuggler." "I can't believe that Brenda has really become an Elvis fan."--Brenda Starr "I caught her chanting 'This little piggy went to Krypton, this little piggy went to Metropolis, this little piggy went to Smallville, and this little piggy was sentenced to the Phantom Zone' to the baby, after which she serenaded her with a stirring rendition of 'Itsy Bitsy Luthor, Up The Prison Wall'!"--Fred Hembeck, stating what his wife supposedly did to their baby "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighbourhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."-- Jon Stewart "I didn't forget the 'E' in procrastinate...It's just not number one on my list of priorities."--Mister Boffo "I do like the idea of the Talking Death doll. Says six different phrases: 'I am Death' 'One lifetime is all you get' 'I've got a job to do, and I do it' 'In the end there is me' 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!' 'Gee, math is hard!'--Lance Smith "I don't care what I am. I don't care if I'm just a minor character in a bad story...I'm not going to let this happen. You hear me? I've still got my dignity!"--Ultraman "I don't decay in your lawn. Please don't walk on my grave."--Matt Groening "I don't know about Jerry, except that he's written in a flavored dialect of Lisp, but for me, I exmploy a staff of twenty people who read the networks for me and compose replies. I only read what they've written and sign off on it. When I came up with this plan, I wasn't sure that I could afford it, but I found that there were a number of graduate students at the UCB math Department who would work very cheap." -- Tim Maroney "I don't know how much good my powers would be at fighting crime and stuff out on my own." "Right! How does this sound..? 'Stop. Or I'll stand very, very still for a surprisingly long time!"--Chlorophyll Kid and Stone Boy "I don't make jokes-- I just watch the government and report the facts." --Will Rogers "I don't think I'd have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if I'd known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed."-- Calvin "I don't want to live in this world. All the fun's gone out of it. Everything used to be bright and now everything is dark."--Power Ring on the difference in comics between the 60s and 90s. "I dunno, it seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool." --Calvin "I expect that someday "Yeah, well you read Liefeld!" will be regular fightin' words on playgrounds everywhere."--Manley "I felt it was time the Bible was put into its proper context. It's a good book, in fact it's *The* Good Book, but it was only a biography, and an *unauthorized* one at that. I didn't even write it."--God, the Ultimate Autobiography tyg [t--g] at [netcom.com]