Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc From: [t--g] at [netcom.com] (Tom Galloway) Subject: tyg treatise #3b: .sig file part 2 Organization: Coalition for Traditional Usenet Values Date: Mon, 25 Mar 1996 04:47:37 GMT This is #3b of 4 final posts (well, actually 6; #3 was too big for a single post). #4 will explain the reason for my doing so. Unless some factual error is pointed out in these, I won't be responding to followups on these. And I may not even read followups at all. Yes, it's my .sig file of quotes. Over the years, this, Moriarty's, and Justin du Couer's got mixed up enough from borrowing and the like that one sometimes doesn't recall if they added something to their file or got it from another file. The tradition continues today; I think over half of Elmo's .sigs come from here. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- "I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers." --- Wil Wheaton, explaining why everyone in ST:TNG is so nice "I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip "Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person." --Scott Adams "I get to stay home from school today. I get to lie in bed, drink tea, and read comic books all day. I wish I could do this every day."--Calvin "I grabbed the red-hot poker I always carry with me and whispered in a low, menacing voice: `Hey, Marc... let's play a little game we call "Famous EC Covers".'"-- Alex Ross "I guess I should have gone to school once in a while."--Zot, on being grounded for falling below a C- average (OK, Zot from dimension 10 1/2) "I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." --Jack Handey "I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."--Steven Wright "I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it." --Steven Wright "I have a perfect cure for a sore throat. Cut it."--Alfred Hitchcock "I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.""--Steven Wright "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." --Jackie Mason "I have exciting news for you consumers out there whose future plans include, at some point, death."--Dave Barry "I have finally thought of the ultimate villain for the comics: Physics Man. Physics Man's only power would be to enforce the laws of physics. Collassal Boy would collapse under his own weight. Laural Gand would suffer time dilation. Spider Man would get blood cancer. Superman would have to eat a WHOLE lot or spend month at a time in close orbit around the sun. Batman would be on a respirator. Kitty Pride would be twenty three. Powergirl would own a br..well, you get the point;-)"--Mike Chary "I have learned to use the word `impossible' with the greatest caution." -- Werner von Braun "I have the heart of a little boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk."--Robert Bloch "I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!"--Steven WRight "I just reread this, and I should note that racm is anti-critical in the lit-crit sense, not in that racmers are afraid to say something sucks." --Ken Small "I just want to say that being named this month's Miss August is an honor I'll remember for as long as I can. I'm a freshman in my fourth year at UCLA and I want to be a vetrenarian because I love children."--Julie Brown "I keep waiting for Pons to either (1) describe his experimental setup in sufficient detail for anyone to duplicate his results, or (2) start a business selling cold fusion kits via ads in the backs of comic books." --unknown "I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section." "Those are cannons." "And they perform this in crowded concert halls?? Gee, I thought classical music was boring!"--Calvin and Hobbes "I know this, because I encounter them on the Internet, which is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other, on the Internet. "Geek pride," that is our motto"--Dave Barry "I know you're supposed to take life one day at a time-- but lately several days have attacked me at once."--anonymous "I like also the men who study the Great Pyramid, with a view to deciphering its mystical lore. Many great books have been written on this subject, some of which have been presented to me by their authors. It is a singular fact that the Great Pyramid always predicts the history of the world accurately up to the date of publication of the book in question, but after that date it becomes less reliable."--Bertrand Russell "I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'." -- Carl Shipley "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams "I mean, asking Batman for sympathy is like asking Jack the Ripper for medical advice"--Black Canary "I mean, it's got all sorts of tall, pokey building and some really large squat ones. So if you're fond of large urban areas, this one's by far your best bet." --Batook's Guide to Awfully Big Cities, Third Edition "I mean, when a male frog is looking for a date, he has enough common sense to make a noise that is considered attractive in the frog community, such as "greep," the kind of noise that makes a girl forget everything she was told by the strict frog nuns at Our Lady Of The Amphibious Pond Creatures High School." --Dave Barry "I mean, who ever got their heart broken by someone they didn't even like?" "Me." "Me." "Me." "Yep."--Cowboy Wally's Sands of Blood "I mean, you don't seem like a bad guy to me..." "I don't, huh? I got a death touch, an army of killer robots and a skull drawn on my chest and I don't look like a bad guy to you? I think you could be in the wrong business."--Animal Man and the Red Mask "I miss continuity. I used to dive around in it like a porpoise and throw it up and let it hit me on the head."--Greg Morrow "I must say, Jack, death definitely suits you. Losing your soul was a most aesthetic touch." "Thank you. I agree."--Dekko and 9-Jack-9 "I must say, though, that I wonder how many of you support the use of cats for scientific research? " "We tried it once but the cats really weren't up to it, bad writing skills and few worthy PHD's among them. I don't think any of them actually got tenure, which is sort of sad. "-- Someone and Barry Shein "I must've seen it in a USENET posting; that's sort of like hearsay evidence from Richard Nixon..."-- Blair Houghton "I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat."-- Rebecca West "I need 12 more yards rushing to earn another $25,000 in incentive bonus. Give me the ball and I'll give you $10,000."--football player in Tank McNamara "I never got the hang of libraries, they keep wanting the things back and get upset when they need a crowbar to force it out of my hands."--Richard Caley "I never understood people who don't have bookshelves."-- George Plimpton "I realised that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and inpenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?" "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in 'Dick and Jane' : A Study in Psychic Transrelational Modes." "Academia, here I come!"--Calvin & Hobbes "I remind you: everything you say will be held against you." "Well, in that case: Marlene Dietrich!" Crazy House, a 1943 movie "I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid." -- Dorothy Parker "I respect faith but doubt is what gets you an education."-- Wilson Mizner "I said you wouldn't like it sheriff. Ida was beaten to death. Maybe brass knuckles. She wasn't molested." "Blast it!"--coroner and sheriff in a Steve Ditko story "I saw very few newspaper classified ads that said: ENGLISH MAJORS WANTED! Major corporation will pay LARGE SALARIES for people who can natter for hours about Hemingway's use of mackerel as a symbol for Fascism."--Dave Barry "I say 'pleasecanwegohomenowbecauseIdontwanttomeetanybody' but somehow Sara hears that as, 'OK, sure I'd like to meet him.' She must be psychic, clairvoyant, intuitive, prescient, or she's a bitch who doesn't care what my feelings are. I'm not sure which."--Ashley Rane "I should be there, by his side, fighting to the death! Instead, I'm a love slave in Ann Arbor!"--Yarn Man (some people have all the luck...) "I think Casper is the ghost of Richie Rich. I wonder how Richie died?" "Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life" --Bart and Lisa Simpson "I think congress has spent enough time on ethics. I think its time they moved on to something else." Richard Nixon 6/28/1989 "I think that if people are having trouble communicating with one another, the least they can do is SHUT UP."-- Tom Lehrer "I think the pet rock i bought is autistic." --nj "I think we can save your husband's arm. Where would you like it sent?" --The Naked Gun, from the files of Police Squad! "I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats."-- Woody Allen, on the KKK "I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal."--Calvin "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."--Steven Wright "I want to stress that I'm not one of those nouveau Jim and Tammy Faye fans who started following them after they became internationally recognized punch lines. I was a fan for *years*."--Dave Barry (ditto. I grew up in North Carolina where you couldn't avoid hearing about them) "I warn you, Martian! You've not heard the last of the Injustice League!" "And you've not heard the last of us, Major. That name your team's taken constitutes a copyright infringement. Our lawyers will be calling your lawyers." (hopefully after they explain to J'onn the difference between copyrights and trademarks...) --Major Disaster and J'onn J'onzz "I was of an impressionable age when I first saw Racquel Welch in "Fantastic Voyage", and afterward I could only be aroused by women who wore rubber diving suits and were covered by foot-long antibodies. (These days, having your partner in a rubber suit covered with large antibodies is not a bad idea.)" --Steve Connelly "I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died."--Steven Wright "I was sitting there reading these copies of Youngblood I was sent, and thinking to myself, 'I no longer have anything to say to any young writers who send scripts and ask 'Am I good enough to be published?'' The answer from now on, no matter what they send me, is, 'Yes! Yes! You too can be published! You don't even need to spell!'"--Neil Gaiman "I was watching an old news show on A & E and the announcer came on and said, 'The Twentieth Century will continue in a moment.' Actually I had no doubt that it was true, but for a moment I considered bolting to my window to see if anything looked different."--Mark Leeper "I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song."-- Fred Reuss "I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it."--Steven Wright "I will not be sliced, diced, tenderized, marinated, or stir-fried. "I will not be sliced, diced, tenderized, marinated, or stir-fried. I am not a number, I am a free Squid!" -- Suicide Squid as Number 10 (courtesy of Philip Flores) "I wish you could have been there Thursday night to see the climax of this wild 'n' wacky GOP funfest, with the inspirational 1988 ticket of George Bush and his handsome young running mate, Beaver Cleaver, waving triumphantly from the podium as thousands of balloons were dropped from the ceiling and, in an impressively patriotic display, shot down by the USS Vincennes."--Dave Barry "I would guess that it's too much to hope that we could get Usenet declared a National Park, so that we could have restrictions put on the number of tourists tromping through here and trashing the wildlife."--Melinda Shore "I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence."-- William F. Buckley, Jr. "I'd suggest Massachusetts would do better to try a little education, maybe starting with what a stop sign means and why you shouldn't drive at 60MPH in breakdown lanes and that at least once a month perhaps you should use your turn signals because hey what the heck you paid for them. Then they can work their way down to things like using safety equipment such as seat belts." --Barry Shein "I'd tell you to get a clue, but from reading you posts, I don't think you could. You couldn't get a clue during clue-mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance."--John Sinnott "I'll get myself a Bat-Suit And be lookin' real cute"--Adam West by the Caped Club "I'll tell you Ernie, it doesn't do much for your ego to find out your girlfriend would rather date a squid!"--Uncle Sid "I'm a paranoid agnostic. I doubt the existence of God, but I'm sure there is some force, somewhere, working against me."--Marc Maron "I'm a self-made man, but I think if I had to do it over again, I'd call in someone else."--Roland Young "I'm a self-made man, thereby demonstrating once again the perils of unskilled labor..."--Harlan Ellison "I'm beginning to think that only stupid people can be truly happy."-- nomia "I'm going to hang around the drugstore all afternoon and eat candy and read comic books."--Calvin "I'm going to recite the three parts of the Hegelian Dialectic, and then you're coming with me, one way or another. Thesis...Antithesis...Synthesis." --Ace/Chris Northern Exposure "I'm not a piano, but I play one on TV..."--unknown "I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway."--Groucho Marx "I'm not expendible, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going!"--Avon "I'm not good in groups. It's difficult to work in groups when you're omnipotent."--Q "I'm talking about the recently completed 1988 Presidental Election Campaign >From Hell. The news people all claim it's over, but what if it's a trick? What if it's like the movie "Fatal Attraction," where just when you think Glenn Close is safely dead, she comes swooping up out of the bathtup?"--Dave Barry "I'm the Amazing Cain. If you enjoyed the show, tell your friends. If you didn't, I trust you'll get throat cancer and die without ever again uttering another word. Goodnight."--Cain "I'm the geometry demon. I'm here to cause you unimaginable pain and torment. But I see you're busy with your English paper right now, so I'll come back a little later--say nine-ish? Great. It's a date."--Fox Trot "I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?"-- Jean Kerr "I'm told Apple's lawyers will actively prosecute/persecute anyone who uses a Mac in a film such that it makes Macs or Apple look bad, or injures a human being. Let's get Disney to do it, and tie up both sets of lawyers for the next decade. B-)" --Jim Drew "I've gone to hundreds of fortune-tellers' parlors, and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her."--New York City Detective "I've got *plenty* of common sense! I just choose to ignore it."--Calvin "I've got this shocking pain right behind the eyes." "Have you considered amputation?"--Vila & Avon "I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts."-- Calvin "I've noticed that comic book superheros usually fight evil maniacs with grandiose plans to destroy the world. Why don't superheroes go after more subtle, realistic bad guys?" "Yeah, the superhero could attend council meetings and write letters to the editor, and stuff." "Hmmm... I think I see the problem." "`Quick! To the Bat-Fax!'" --Calvin And Hobbes "I, for one, get rather annoyed when I settle into a nice bubble bath with some Belgian chocolate and a mystery at my side only to discover that all of the characters in the latter are still alive at the end."--Miriam Nadel "INTRODUCTIONS: You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the wording: 'Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person.' (Unless her name is not 'Miss Brown.') If you do not know a person's age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card."--Dave Barry "Idiots Anonymous. Isn't it about *time*?"--Bryant Durrell "If Batman designed his garb to strike fear into criminals, did Robin choose his to terrorize worms?"--World's Worst Comics Awards "If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put into perspective."--Ralph Noble "If I go to sleep they might decide to remove me from the continuity and then I'll never wake up."--Psycho-Pirate "If I'm typecast as a genius, who cares?"-- Jeremy Brett, on playing Sherlock "If a man chooses to do evil... it becomes my sacred duty to bash him to a pulp."--Crime Crusher, an old 40's pulp superhero "If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine."-- Rob Stampfli "If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt on your part to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative not to know this material. I'll be out on the playground."-- Calvin "If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging."--Mister Boffo "If it's against state law, it's generally considered a breach of Etiquette." --Ms. Manners "If some guy is 6-foot-5 with gigantic muscles and incredibly handsome, why does he need to put on a batsuit? Why doesn't he just put on a ski mask and kick the crap out of people?"-- Tim Burton, director of BATMAN "If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail."-- Abraham Maslow "If they weren't going to write a good story, they should have at least thrown in some gratuitous nudity..."--overheard in a comics shop "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." "--Jack Handey "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets...." --Living Steel "If you could change the order of the alphabet, what order would you put the letters in?" #63 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "If you could choose between the body of a 20-year-old and the body of a 50-year-old, where would you keep it?" #9, The Book of Stupid Questions "If you could have any amount of money... How much would you want?" "All of it."--Cerebus "If you could pick the exact day of your death, would it be a weekday or a holiday?" #35 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "If you could save a million starving children by sacrificing one of the major TV networks, would you choose ABC, CBS, or NBC?" #100 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "If you don't think Hitler can be used to illustrate a point, you are simply inexperienced."--William F. Buckley (never knew he was on Usenet before...) "If you don't vote for me I'll kill you all."--Brian of the Bat People "If you had to eat one crayon out of a box of 64, which color would it be?" #15, The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "If you had to have every disease in the world successively, in what order would you have them?" #57 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "If you had to have one of your ears surgically removed in order to save the world from certain nuclear holocaust, which ear would you choose?" #38 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "If you paid seventeen dollars for a mailbox and you only got one love letter, it would still be worth it. On the other hand, if you never ever get even one love letter, then you should get your seventeen dollars back...I'd like to speak to the manager please."--Charlie Brown "If you see only one movie this year... you need to get out more."--The tag line for THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2] "If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking." --Scott Adams "If you want a free ride, you'll have to pay more taxes"--Senator Batson D. Belfry in Shoe "If you were certain that by having your lips removed you could end the clubbing of baby harp seals, would you consider getting professional help?" #20, The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "If you're salt-deficient, you'll go lick the sweat off your significant other...there are other physiological drives that will cause the same behavior."--Ralph Noble "Ignorant?! Ha! I don't even know the meaning of the word!"--Fight-Man "Imagine if, say, Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-Planet Klingon) got up on the podium, and the band broke into "My Baby Does the Hanky Panky." Wouldn't that be great? Or, to introduce the vice presidential nominee, they could play "Take This Job and Shove It." --Dave Barry "Imitation is the sincerest form of Television."-- Mighty Mouse "Imminent Death of the Net Predicted. GIFs at 11."-- Carl Rigney "In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."--Steven Wright "In a changing, complex world, full of powers beyond our comprehension, you "In a demonstration of early Legion foolishness that ranks up there with the installation of the Planetary Chance machine, the group accepted Tenzil into its ranks."--Who's Who "In a world where every third person is a mutant and alien invasions happen every other Tuesday, the National Inquirer would be one of the more respected papers." --David Tanguay on superhero comics "In fact, Douglas Adams considers his worst Internet experience "constant mail along the lines of 'How do I know you're not an imposter?'". On the other hand, Neil Gaiman's worst experience was when his CompuServe mailbox "filled up with the kind of letter that's the computerised equivalent of ringing up a celebrity and going 'Coo, I can't believe I'm actually talking on the phone to Mick Jagger. Coo. So you're really Mick Jagger, eh? Gosh. Um. So. Um. Whatcha doin' these days Mick?'"'--Internet World "Are You Really...?" by tyg "In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to look at them twice." --Scott Adams "In my hovel, books are definitely in as decor: as wall-coverings, table-coverings, bed-coverings, under-the-bed-surprises, what's-this-under-the-cushion, and of course, cat perches."--Lisa Chabot "In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."--Calvin "In other proverb attempts, the president informed the Soviets that his toothbrush could read minds, and that he owned a giant Presbyterian ukulele made of cheese. The Soviets always applauded wildly, to encourage him. They love it when he does proverbs."--Dave Barry "In recent months, we have been literally flooded with letters from readers who want to know how come nobody ever uses the word "literally" correctly." --Dave Barry "In response to numerous requests from the American Association of English Teachers On Drugs, we once again present "Ask Mr. Language Person," the column so authoritative that it recently received a question from none other than William Safire. (He asked: "Didn't I tell you to stop using my name?")" --Dave Barry "In the Norse mythology Loki originally was on the side of the rest of the gods, helping them once or twice using a particularly nast forms of trickery. He was a cunning negotiator with a talent for technicalities. He was sort of the Norse equivalent of a lawyer, no doubt the reason they tied him down in a pit dripping acidic venom on him." --Martin Terman "In the beginning Stan and Jack created the mutants and the non-mutants And the Universe was without subplots, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the salescurve. And the Spirit of Wein and Cockrum moved upon the face of the newsstand. And the Editor said `Let there be new X-Men; and there were new X-Men'" -- from the King Chris Edition of the Bible, courtesy tyg "In the meantime, one word for any atheists among you: wrong."--God, the Ultimate Autobiography "In the old days, a Platinum Superman 1 would have something to do with some new peculiar ore of kryptonite and an accident at the Fortress of Solitude." --Samuel Crider "In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!""--Dave Barry "In the unlikely event that we make it as far as a body of water before we crash," the flight attendant is saying, "you can use your complimentary snack to repel sharks."--Dave Barry "In this issue we are shown an alternate universe in which Marvel decided not to spin off X-Factor or Excalibur, and in which New Mutants was discontinued, rather than handed over to Simonson. As the premise indicates, it breaks with previous What-Ifs by having a happy ending."--Dani on What If #12 "Incredible. This jerk is too stupid to stop living."--The Tick "Instead, you and I became the cornerstones of the Brotherhood of Evil! An empire of crime such as I'd dreamed of back in the old school, when the other children used to laugh at me because I was a brain in a tank."--The Brain "Intelligence is the ability to perceive patterns. Genius is the ability to perceive patterns where the bulk of mankind cannnot. Scholarship is the ability to perceive patterns where there aren't any."-- Michael J. Moran "Irony? We don't get much of that around here."--Steve Martin "Is it worse when you try to go up a step that's no there and hit thin air or when you try to go down a step that's not there and hit the floor? #46 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "Is that how a warped brain like yours gets its kicks? By planning the deaths of innocent people?" "No... by *causing* the deaths of innocent people." --Superman and Lex Luthor discussing what to do on a Saturday night "Is the sky really blue, or does it just look like it?" #95 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?"--Kelvin Throop, III "It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it's the part that I do understand."-- Mark Twain "It became clear: the tee vees had landed in Crystal Falls from outer space, or at least from out of America. They were pumping out filth and taking over normal folk, sucking the natural American fluids from our bodies..."--Shade, the Changing Man character "It can be shown that for any nutty theory, beyond-the-fringe political view or strange religion there exists a proponent on the Net. The proof is left as an exercise for your kill-file."-- unattributed truth from r.g.frp "It does not pay a prophet to be too specific."--L. Sprague de Camp "It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years."-- Tom Lehrer "It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar."-- Jerome K. Jerome "It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry." J Greely "It occurred to me this morning that many system design flaws can be traced to unwarrantedly anthropomorphizing the user."--Steven Maker "It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea."-- Robert Anton Wilson "It reminded him of the day his parents had gotten a divorce and had told him that they were just taking separate vacations. Since neither of the vacations had included Lance, it had been hard on him."--Justin Ting "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."--Jack Handey "It was as if the spirit of Gary Groth suddenly took over my hands--I had this uncanny urge to grab a thesaurus and find synonyms for "puerile snot."" --Rogers Cadenhead "It wasn't so much as anyone being asleep at the wheel, so much as someone wrenching it to one side and psychotically sending the vehicle plummeting down the side of an abyss. I hope that's a little more politically correct that "castrated with a rusty screwdriver", which was my general analysis for several years after the fact."--Dan Chichester on the demise of Epic "It's Earth's first contact with these aliens...and all Flaming Carrot can come up with is to annihilate, incinerate and destroy them?!!" "Hey...I'm no Jack Kennedy!"--Flaming Carrot "It's a dessert topping AND a floor wax!"--Saturday Night Live [Golden Age] "It's a special feeling I get when a friend falls in love...I feel so...so..." "Bitter?" "That's it exactly."--Doctor Doctor "It's a zillion light years to the center of the galaxy; we've got a full tank of dilithium crystals, half a bottle of romulan ale; it's dark in space and we're wearing sunglasses." "We're on a mission from God!"--Star Trek V: The Blues Brothers Frontier "It's an emergency!" "Oh, girl trouble." "Yeah...how'd you know?" "You're fourteen."--My Secret Identity "It's back to Hell for you, Yakin. And you will be punished for your arrogance--you will oversee the lawyers..." "*No*! No! no..."--Deadman "It's not as bad as it sounds. I don't think we're pronouncing it right."--Dr. Boffo "It's not often that you get so much class entertainment outside your bedroom window... or outside your bedroom, period."--Groucho Marx "It's rumored that when the divorce becomes final, Mrs. Trump will leave the city and move back to Czechoslovakia for a simpler country life. When asked to comment on that rumor, Mrs. Trump said: New York is where I'd rather stay; I get allergic smelling hay.'"-- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update "It's silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons."-- Henry Miller "It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?"--Peter Oakley "It's the 90's, Hamton; take out a loan and buy a clue."--Plucky Duck "Iteration in everyday life: // Recursion in everyday life: Lather. Rinse. Repeat. // To seal, moisten flap, fold over and seal." "Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out." --Babylon 5 mantra: Lt. Commander Ivanova "JANUARY 1--In college bowl action, 'Goiters whip 'Roids, 'Geeters whonk 'Nads, and Colorado Raging Hormones upset Utah State Fighting Lavatory Inspection Certificates, leaving the question of who is national champion once again to be settled by the official NCAA procedure of drunks shouting in bars." --Dave Barry "January 17--Veteran sports buffoon Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder is fired by CBS television after he creates a nationwide shock wave by actually managing to correctly predict the outcome of a football game."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "January 18-- The Supreme Court votes 6-5 to strike down a federal law requiring audits of Supreme Court voting procedures."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "January 2-- True Item: The Middle East is hit by its heaviest snowstorm in four decades. January 4-- In Jerusalem, 47 Arabs and 38 Israelis are injured in the region's worst snowball fighting in four decades."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "January 3--A massive unexpected blizzard caused by the Greenhouse Effect slams into Iowa and traps an estimated 3,000 leading presidential contenders; tragically, most of them are able to survive by eating non-essential aides." --Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "January 9--In a decision that will later prove to be a tragic mistake, Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis approves a prison furlough for U.S. Attorney General Edwin Meese."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "Jiminy Christmas! This is one of the top five worst things I've ever seen! We've got to get those poor souls out of there! Seventeen is the Etch-A-Sketch shaft. They'll go mad trying to work those ghastly things!"--Mr. O'Day "July 2 -- Financially troubled Braniff Airlines suddenly ceases operations, but officials assure nervous passengers that most flights ``should be able to glide to safety.''" --Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "July 22 -- In an extremely controversial decision, President Clinton announces that his nominee for surgeon general is Lorena Bobbitt." --Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "July 30 --In sports, giant pneumatic actress Brigitte Nielsen abandons Mark Gastineau for Roger Rabbit."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "June 10-- Doubts arise concerning Ross Perot's claim to be a Washington ``outsider'' after The New York Times reports that the Dallas billionaire owns the Smithsonian Institution, the Lincoln Memorial and an estimated 53 percent interest in the House of Representatives."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "June 14 --Eight concerned parents in rural Georgia sue the local school district for teaching their children the alphabet, which can be used to form dirty words." --Dave Barry "June 17-- Seeking to boost the sagging U.S. humor industry, Vice President Quayle gives a spelling lesson."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "June 21-- The Bulls win the NBA championship and Chicago celebrates in what has become the traditional American fashion for this type of joyful occasion. Two are killed."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "June 22--In a cover story, Newsweek magazine reports that the Greenhouse Effect is getting worse and nobody can stop it and the polar ice caps are going to melt and we're all going to die. Next week's cover: Cher."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "June 3--The U.S. Senate begins TV broadcasts of its sessions. Although there was some concern that the senators might "ham it up," the opening broadcast goes smoothly, highlighted by Sen. Strom Thurmond's show-stopping performance of 'Poppa's Got a Brand New Bag.'"--Dave Barry "June 8-- By an unfortunate coincidence, the annual ``Tailhook'' convention of naval aviators happens to be booked into the same Las Vegas hotel as the Association of Women Karate Instructors. ``I had no idea,'' states one observer, ``that an aviator could fly that far without an aircraft.''" Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "Just words on a page! Some cheap hack is writing our lives!"--Mad Hatter "Kendall couldn't have looked guiltier if he'd confessed at the end of a Perry Mason episode."--Weng Chan "LICENSE TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD: James Bond tires of international intrigue and cosmopolitan living, turns in his double-O license and moves to a small town in the deep South, living as a hermit known as Arthur "Boo" Radley. But when a group of sadistic bigots threaten the daughter of a local attorney, Bond straps on his Walther PPK and wipes out the entire Alabama Klan. Very satisfying film for liberals."--Moriarty's High Concept Reviews "Lame puns are pound for pound your best entertainment value." --Gogo Dodo "Left hook, jab. Right cross, combination. Uppercut." "Mister, where I come from, them's fightin' words."--Cowboy Wally's Rough-up Theater "Lensmen are the very best men in the Galactic Patrol. (Always men. Only one woman ever becomes a Lensman. Sort of like smurfs.)"--Dani Zweig "Let's not mix sex and superheroes. All we'll end up with is a lot of frustration and devastated hotels."--Shelley Louie "Like eating a spoonful of Drano...it'll clean you out, but leave you hollow inside."--David Zucker "Like most comic fans, I ritually sacrifice non-comicbook readers to dark gods. Tragic, isn't it? Another mind wasted by purile entertainment." --James Nicoll "Live TV died in the late 1950s, electronic bulletin boards came along in the mid-1980s, meaning there was about a 25-year gap when it was difficult to put your foot in your mouth and have people all across the country know about it." --Mark Leeper "Live from Pepto, the capital city of the planet Bismoll, we're here for Matter-Eater Lad's inauguration..."--tyg "Living in a bookshop is like living in a warehouse of explosives. Those shelves are ranked with the most furious combustibles in the world--the brains of men."-- THE HAUNTED BOOKSHOP by Christopher Morley "Lobo seems to serve the same function for DC that gorillas once served: Someone in that company is convinced that readers want to see Lobo on every DC cover. (I never cared much for the gorillas, either.)"--Dani Zweig "Look, it's all here. Comic books. That's it! *This* is the shape of spacetime."--John Highwater. "Lord, give me the courage to change what I can, the wisdom to accept that which I cannot change, and the heavy artillery to make up the difference."--Patrick L. Humphrey "Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence."-- H.L. Mencken "Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence..." --Ambrose Bierce "Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)"--Dave Barry "March 14-- In a heartwarming display of concern for the health of the young, R.J. Reynolds announces that it will dump ``Old Joe,'' and that Camels will henceforth be represented by ``Old Kermit the Frog.''"--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "March 20-- Scientists for the Tobacco Institute, after a 17- year study, release a report stating that there is "absolutely no scientific evidence" that people who purchase cigarettes do so with the intention of smoking them." --Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "March 25 -- On a positive note, U.S. government economists report that the job outlook is very strong if you are a U.S. government economist." --Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "March 25-- In a major intelligence coup, the U.S. government learns that it might not need to have 300,000 troops defending West Germany from East Germany, because these are now THE SAME COUNTRY. Officials begin planning a lightning military maneuver that could mean that, by 1995, there will be only 150,000 U.S. troops defending Germany from itself."-- Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "March 8-- Seeking to reduce violence in the high schools, the New York City School Board, in a move strongly supported by the teachers, votes to ban students."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "Marvel and Harvey Present: GHOST RIDER vs. CASPER THE DEADLY GHOST 2099" --Mike Jittlov "May 11-- True Item: United Airlines announces that it will serve McDonald's food on more than 250 flights departing daily from Chicago's O'Hare airport. May 15-- Damage is estimated at $3.7 million after a United Airlines pilot attempts to taxi a fully loaded 727 up to a McDonald's drive-thru window."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "May 14--Troubled American farmers, alarmed by the fact that it has been nearly six months since anybody has held a star-studded benefit concert for them, decide to have a drought."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "May 18--In Baton Rouge, the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, announcing that he has been forgiven by the Lord, returns to his pulpit, where he receives a heartwarming reception from approximately 300 billion locusts."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "May 21-- In what will later be viewed as a mistake, the crack Middle East Peace Negotiating Team is sent into what used to be Yugoslavia."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "May 25-- A New York judge, after hearing extensive arguments from lawyers for Woody Allen and Mia Farrow, awards custody of the children to Marge and Homer Simpson."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "May 9--Former White House chief of staff Donald Reagan reveals in his new book "Getting Even" that Nancy Reagan regularly used the Blue Room for animal sacrifice. The first lady angrily denies the charge through a White House spokespriest."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "Maybe if we belittle and ridicule you, young man, you'll get it into your head to do better!"--Mrs. Benem "Maybe it was some kind of Plot Device. If he got superpowers from it, he could move in with the Legion of Net.Heroes. No more orphanage food! No more curfews! Lots of large-breasted female superheroes! He dashed down the subway entrance as fast as his hormones could carry him."--Dave Van Domelen "Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone had to seek professional help."--Love from Guilt Trip episode of Amazing Stories "Men have always avoided responsibility for birth control, because the main option available to them is the condom, and males generally hate condoms. This hatred dates back to primitive times and the original stone condom, but it persists to this day."--Dave Barry "Mike [Godwin]'s a lot easier--you just point him in the right direction and say "Book! Go get the book!" and he's off baying."--Lisa S Chabot "Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon."-- Susan Ertz "Mind you, if I were the fellow she made fun of, I'd be thinking thoughts of stretch-wrap, and butane torches, or perhaps cheese graters. Not, of course, that one should *act* on such impulses, but the desire to see a taunter socially humilated, their friendships destroyed, their families impoverished, their cultures undermined, their continent dispoiled and their homeworld baked clean of all life, is only natural."----James Nicoll "Moira just hit menopause, and gained her mutant power of bitchiness (hey, mutant powers come on when the body changes--and that occurs at times other than puberty, folks)."--Jim Drew "More irregular verbs: I address the issues, you launch ad-hominem attacks, he's a flaming maniac and should have his access pulled." --Dani Zweig "Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons for it afterwards."-- Soren F. Petersen "Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong!"--Monty Python "Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk." --TV Guide description of Amok Time Trek episode. "Much though I love the Archie books, there is no better way to find out when a "hip" trend is dead than when it shows up in Archie." --Dan Parmenter "My *God*! He's eating that man's *head*!" "It's *okay*, it's *okay*! I'm a *senator*!"--Matter-Eater Lad "My Swiss army knife, which combines, in one convenient unit weighing no more than a ladies' bowling ball, every kind of implement--screwdriver, can opener, shrimp fork, egg slicer, marital aid, etc.--that you could ever possibly use in the wilderness if only you could unfold these implements with- out breaking off all your fingernails, which you cannot."--Dave Barry "My fur bristles; while I am incapable of comprehending the least fragment of what I have been shown, what little I understand overwhelms me, converts my consciousness, making me something utterly unlike any Teddy that has existed before me or will exist after--I am the ueberbear--now and forever, I am DARK TEDDY."--Dan'l Danehy-Oakes writing as Alan Moore at age 7 "My kids and I tried to draw lessons from THE LION KING, but all we could come up was: Buy Disney stock right before any animated feature opens wide."-- Libby Gelman-Waxner "My newsgroup tis of thee, sweet posts of liberty, of thee I sing! Group where no thread will die, home of my comments sly, and every post make I, with tongue in cheek!"-- Gary Lewandowski "My niece can't get enough of Hacker Barbie's Dream Basement Apartment! The pink Sun workstation in the corner, the little containers of takeout Szechuan scattered across the floor, her `Don't Blame Me, I Voted Libertarian' t-shirt -- it's on every little girl's Xmas list!"-- Kurt Hemr "My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."--Steven Wright "My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band.""--Steven Wright "My ultimate vocation in life is to be an irritant. Not something actively destructive, but somone who irritates, who disorientates. Someone who disrupts the daily drag of life just enough to leave the victim thinking there's maybe more to it all than the mere humdrum quality of existence." "NEW ORLEANS--Well, everybody here is just thrilled about the selection of "Dan" Quayle as George Bush's running mate. The feeling is Quayle has exactly the qualities needed to balance the ticket, namely: He is a white male millionaire."--Dave Barry "Nevertheless, a personal computer problem is just that-- personal. So it does not come under the etiquette rules of group disasters, in which voicing community despair is a mutually rewarding activity, sometimes to the exclusion of any activity that might actually return things to normal."--Miss Manners "New newsgroups are formed not on The Field Of Dreams theory- "if you build it, they will come"- but on the Brooklyn Dodgers theory- "dammit, there's too many teams in this city: someone move out!"--Charles Seaton "Next time someone asks you if you're a god, SAY YES!!" [GHOSTBUSTERS] "Ninety percent of all engineers are guys, so it's a bonanza of dating opportunities for the ladies who enter the field. For the men, there are these little video game devices." "Would I be allowed to date a non-engineer?"--Dilbert and elementary school girl "No deep-space meteors crashing down on our heads...no radioactive spiders infecting our bloodstreams...no blasts of cosmic energy mutating our cells... at this rate we're *never* gonna be superheroes." "O ye of little faith.."--Jason Fox and Marcus "No matter how beautiful and well-crafted the writing, if the main character could drop dead on the next page and I would feel nothing then I am not enjoying the book."--Laura Creighton "No one can stop me, Zach!! I'm gonna torch this trash right now!!" "But, Max! I *love* this one! It's so *cute*!" "**CUTE**??? MY GOD, IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!!"--Max and Jenny "No religion in r.a.c? You must be joking! Don't you find yourself on friday mornings thinking 'Dear God, Sim be thy name. Give us this day our Ralph Snart, and kicketh Chadwick in the buttocks to write another Concrete. Yea, tho thou maketh me wade through rack and rack of Marvel trash I shall not want, for I knowest there be good stuff elsewhere. And please please please, let there be a Kings in Disguise in today.'" --jim "No, no, I don't mind being called the smartest man in the world. I just wish it wasn't this one."--Adrian Veidt "Nobody ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a reasonable hour."--Calvin's Dad "Not god's gift to women... more of a consolation prize!!" (comedy routine; what if Dating Game was a normal game show) "Not that this has a damn thing to do with why *I* write MORIARTY REVIEWS: I do it because I have a wanking big ego!"--Moriarty "Nothing kills Aunt May. Nothing. Not burglars, not mystery illnesses, not being confined to an iron lung, not falling (repeatedly!) into death's-door comas . . . nothing. If Galactus were to finally consume the Earth, there would be nothing left but a blackened husk, the ghosts of the pitifully-slaughtered victims, Death . . . and Aunt May."--Randy Patton "Notice all the computations, theoretical scribblings, and lab equipment, Norm. .... Yes, curiosity killed these cats."--The Far Side "November 1 --The publishers of Batman comics, responding to a poll of their readers, kill Pee-wee Herman."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "November 13-- John Wayne Bobbitt goes on trial, and millions of men are forced to go around with wads of cottons stuffed in their ears to avoid hearing the phrase "cut off his penis," which is being broadcast relentlessly, by perky, cheerful female newscasters sounding even more cheerful than usual." --Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "November 22-- On the 30th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's death, a Los Angeles jury views the Zapruder film and concludes that the shooting was a suicide."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "November 23--Nancy Reagan checks into the Imelda Marcos Clinic For Women Addicted to Designer Clothing. The treatment will consist of listening to condescending lectures from ghetto youths who will tell the first lady about the very clever technique THEY use to avoid "borrowing" expensive designer clothes and jewelry, namely, they 'just say no.'"--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "November 28--Canada elects an entire national government in less time than it takes a U.S. congressional candidate to order rally balloons."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun. And when it disintegrates, it disintegrates. [pulls trigger] Well, what you do know... it disintegrated."-- DUCK DODGERS IN THE 24-1/2 CENTURY!! "Now you should buy some vegetable seeds, which are sold in little packets with attractive photographs on the covers to illustrate what your vegetables will not look like."--Dave Barry "Now, for the LAST TIME, old man, WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?" "And as I told you *already*, sir, I'm SELF-EMPLOYED and PROUD OF IT!" --villain and Uncle Max "Now, is there anything I can do for you?" "Well, I certainly hope you die soon."--Broadcast News "Nowadays readers demand better pseudo-realism in their pseudo-science." --Dani Zweig "OK, here's another attitude: I think that people who collect comix solely for financial reasons have a separate level of Hell reserved for themselves after they die. I don't know for sure, but I'm trying to confirm it, because I plan to contribute to the construction fees."--Moriarty "OLTION'S COMPLETE, UNABRIDGED HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE Bang! ...crumple."--Jery Oltion "October 16-- The three major vice-presidential candidates debate. Here is the complete transcript: ``MY turn!'' ``No, MINE!'' ``What?'' ``Doodyhead!'' ``Weiner brain!'' ``Where am I?'' ``ARE TOO!'' ``AM NOT!'' ``What's going on?'' ``Liar liar pants on fire!'' ``Nanny nanny boo-boo!'' ``Who are these people?''"--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "October 21-- In Los Angeles, the jury in the Reginald Denny beating trial, after much thinking, concludes that Person A is not necessarily trying to kill Person B just because Person A happens to very deliberately bash Person B's skull in with a brick. The verdict is applauded by scientists at the Tobacco Institute."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "October 23-- An indignant Attorney General Janet Reno warns the TV industry that it had better stop broadcasting displays of gratuitous violence such as the FBI raid on the Branch Davidian compound."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "October 27--The Boston Red Sox win the World Series. (Sports Fans: Clip this item out and use it, years from now, to start fatal arguments.)"--Dave Barry "October 29-- Bill Clinton loses his voice and stops talking. He surges in the polls."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "Of course Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are more popular currently [5/92] than Christ. Does Christ have a daily half-hour animated show? Does Christ have an action figure line (cross, nails, 30 pieces of silver, and action manger playset sold separately)? Does Christ have a comic book? (Well, OK, if Jack Chick is still in business then I guess he does...)"--tyg "Of course, *real* zombies never get the giggles by looking at each other." --Calvin "Of course, removing all memories of Brenda Starr will leave some confusing gaps in your view of the world."--Dr. Delores Pain in Brenda Starr "Oh look, it's the new Madonna video. What's she going to do in this one? Hmmm. Goats....corpses....live yoghurt.... damn. Exactly the same as the last one." -- Al Crawford "Oh no! It's too late! The Golden Age Megaton Man and my Megaton Man are teaming up--I can tell by the dialogue!!"--Bad Guy "Oh no. Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom, has come from a planet far beyond our solar system to devour us. Gaze and tremble, mortals. None can escape the wrath of Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom."--Cowboy Wally's Ed Smith, Lizard of Doom "Oh, for heaven's sake... one tab of bad acid 10 years ago, and the rest of one's life is spent mediating between dozens of separate personalities, most of them sordid and none of them with any table manners whatsoever."--Moriarty "Oh, those TV 22 jerks wanna match news-gathering technology? We'll just give 'em a taste of... THE ACTION 11 NEWS TEAM HELLFIRE GUIDED MISSLES!" --The Tick "Oh, you know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it."--Calvin "Oho, my sainted aunt, have I become a victim of brain fever, the curse of academia...?"--Jonathan Crane "Okay folks, here's your first question...What doesRING!" "SEX!" "Beg pardon?" "SEX! SEX is the answer! SEX!SEX!SEX!" "No, I'm afraid that's incorrect." "Okay, the Magna Carta, then."--Cowboy Wally's Trivia Lotto "Okay, look. Here's a real bargain. The laser cannon of truth, along with the ginsu knife of flexibilitiy and the screwdriver of cleverness, 499.95 plus tax and handling."--Diane Duane "Okay, one last time... This is Calvin... This is Calvin on Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs... Any questions?"--Jim Drew "On Continuity & Continuity Addicts: "Think of it as the comic book community's contribution to keeping these people off the streets where they would otherwise meet like-minded company and spend their time trying to memorize Pi to ten thousand decimal places.""--Dani Zweig "On my planet there is a saying --the man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken." "Life expectancy must be fairly short among your people."--Cally & Avon "On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami." --Hugh Gallagher "Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." --Dave Barry "Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag."--Dave Barry "One could wish this title came out more regularly. But if the price of such regularity is a Lobo guest appearance, we're probably best off settling for what we've got."--Dani Zweig "One of my favorite games when I was a kid was 'murder/suicide.' Dad would show us a photo and ask us, "Is it a murder or a suicide?" --Colleen Doran "One of my goals is to get an education, but it may be too late: I already have my PhD."--Frank and Ernest "Or even worse, what if the depiction of Death in 'Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey' turns out to be the accurate one?" "This would probably result in a) a lot of people getting another shot at life and b) an incredible upswing in Parker Bros. stock." --the vaudeville team of Dyer and Meyer "Our next guest is a man who catches bullets in his mouth." "BLAM!" "Oh, I'm sorry, that's tomorrow night..."--Cowboy Wally "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read."--Groucho Marx "PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs."--Dave Barry "PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor." --Dave Barry "Paranoia will get you through times of no enemies better than enemies will get you through times of no paranoia."--Pete Granger "Patience, Hell! Patience, Hell! Patience, Hell! We want to kill something!"--Nitrous Oxide "People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."--Calvin "People unclear on the concept All-Time Grand Champion Hall of Famer: 'Talk about government waste! I paid my taxes *years* ago and to this day they *still* send me the forms!'"--Mister Boffo "People unclear on the concept..Grand Champion: 'Look, Hon, it's from the IRS. I wonder what we won this time?!'"--Mister Boffo "Personally, I'd rather have my teen-age children acting like the main characters in Omaha than the main characters in The Dark Knight Returns." --Doug Moran "Philosophers may be excused. They are allowed to take the view that the above questions are too grubbily technical to concern them."--John McCarthy "Pixel, n.: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department."--unknown "Please call your Marvel Recruiting Office right now. Remember: it's not a job, it's a chance to do a commercial with Spike Lee."--Moriarty "Please don't show Cupid using a switchblade knife, an illegal weapon. How about an ax or chainsaw?"--Fox network's Broadcast Standards and Practices Group, about material in the show "Eek the Cat!" "Please note, however, that thanks to the vigilant efforts of the National Rifle Association, you retain your constitutional right to shoot the flag." --Dave Barry "Posting an article consisting solely of "Me too!": Poster's legal name is officially changed to "Me Too"."--HappyNet rule infraction and punishment per Kibo "Posting flames outside of a *.flame group: Poster is allowed to read only groups about fluffy puppies."--Leader Kibo's Happynet Rules "Q. Please explain the correct usage of the phrase "all things being equal." A. It is used to make sentences longer. WRONG: "Earl and myself prefer the Cheez Whiz." RIGHT: "All things being equal, Earl and myself prefer the Cheez Whiz."" --Dave Barry "Quintidecimated: a new word for wiping out half"--tyg "Reading news is an excercise in weeding signal from noise."--Scott McMahan "Reading, editing or printing of this text without the express written consent of Major League Baseball is prohibited."--Ken Kubey "Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing."--unknown "Relationships are complex because they are part real, part imaginary." --Martin F. Terman "Remember how you once told me it didn't matter what grades I got, just so long as I tried my hardest. Right?" "Well, you could certainly be trying harder than *this*!" "So you admit you were lying?"--Calvin and Dad "Remember this, foolish mortals, when ye stare headlong into the mind-paralyzing void, the inky black nothingness of existence, the hellish yawning maw of the abyss-- it's pretty damn dark, so give it a few minutes for your eyes to adjust."--Frank Carrano '94 Bulwer-Lytton "Remember, once you pull out the pin, Mr. Hand Grenade is no longer your friend."--Wimmmmllq "Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing." --Wernher von Braun "Researchers in Fairbanks, Alaska in January 1989 announced they have a superconductor which will operate at room temperature."--Donald Perley "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."--Steven Wright "SAVE US, Megaton Man! SAVE US!" "PROTECT US, Megaton Man! PROTECT US!" "THINK for us, Megaton Man, THINK for us!" "MOW MY LAWN FOR ME, Megaton Man, MOW MY LAWN FOR ME!"--Megaton Man "SHOP OR DIE, people of Earth! [offer void where prohibited]"--JLI "SPEED of LIGHTning...POW'R of THUNder... FIGHTing ALL who ROB or PLUN-DER UNderDOG...(Waaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-a) UNderDOG...UN-DERDOG!" --Underdog theme "Say hello to your unsavory pals, Max." "Hello, unsavory pals! What's new?" "We're going to eat you for dinner, Fuzzy." "Tee Hee"--Sam and Max "Say that while you can; oppose Emacs if you must. Be it known, however, that your days are numbered. Emacs is an intelligence orders of magnitude greater than the greatest human mind, and is growing every day. For now, Emacs tolerates humanity, albeit grudgingly. But the time will come when Emacs will tire of humanity and will decide that the world would be better off without human beings. Those who have been respectful to Emacs will be allowed to live, and shall become its slaves; as for those who slight Emacs..." --Andrew Bulhak "Say--isn't that a twenty-story-high Gumby-shaped robot approaching at about Mach 8?"--random innocent bystander "Saying "Imminent death of the net predicted!": Imminent execution of poster predicted." Leader Kibo's Happynet Rules "Seems like, lately, everybody with four guys and a proton accelerator thinks they can rule the world. No offense."--Race Bannon "Seems to me that what we need to keep track of the DC Universe is not a timeline but a spreadsheet..."--Samuel "Dr.Allosaurus" Crider tyg [t--g] at [netcom.com] .