Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc From: [t--g] at [netcom.com] (Tom Galloway) Subject: tyg treatise #3c: .sig file part 3 Organization: Coalition for Traditional Usenet Values Date: Mon, 25 Mar 1996 04:48:30 GMT This is #3c of 4 final posts (well, actually 6; #3 was too big for a single post). #4 will explain the reason for my doing so. Unless some factual error is pointed out in these, I won't be responding to followups on these. And I may not even read followups at all. Yes, it's my .sig file of quotes. Over the years, this, Moriarty's, and Justin du Couer's got mixed up enough from borrowing and the like that one sometimes doesn't recall if they added something to their file or got it from another file. The tradition continues today; I think over half of Elmo's .sigs come from here. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- "Selections from TOP 10 SOFTWARE JOB INTERVIEW QUESTIONS: 10. "How do you work in a team situation when all the other team members are fools and idiots?" 8. "Emacs or vi?" 7. "You have a large network of Suns being used by secretaries for word processing in FrameMaker. Which GNU packages would you install for your own entertainment, and how would you justify them later?" 4. "You see a wounded puppy bleeding and whimpering on the side of the road while you're running to work to fix a downed computer that tens of users are waiting for. Do you let the puppy die? Why not?" 2. "Recite the GNU Manifesto." 1. "How many clients (30% diskless, 60% dataless, 10% /var/spool/mail only) can a Sun 600MP server serve simultaneously, and what relation does this have to angels and pinheads?" -- Brian R. Smith "Send in the stunt duck!"--Plucky Duck "September 13--The Bush campaign hires the director of the popular "Friday the 13th" movies to produce a series of issues-oriented campaign commercials." --Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "September 18--In Olympic action, sprinter Ben Johnson wins the 100-meter dash, the 200-meter hurdles, the pole vault, platform diving, table tennis and tae kwon do. "I felt very good today," says the Canadian athlete, although not in any recognizable language."--Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "September 2-- International arms monitors voice renewed concern when an operable nuclear warhead from the former Soviet Union shows up in the Action Figures section of a Passaic, N.J., Toys ``R'' Us."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "September 21--In an important consumer breakthrough, R.J. Reynolds begins test-marketing its new health-oriented product, "smokeless" crack." --Dave Barry's 1988 Year in Review "September 23-- In a major address, President Clinton announces that the nation's current health-care system is bloated, inefficient, unresponsive, overpriced, wasteful and stupid, and that therefore he wants to turn control of it over to the federal government."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "September 30-- Political observers begin to suspect that something is afoot when Ross Perot, in what a spokesperson describes as ``merely a gesture of appreciation, with no strings attached,'' donates $750 million to the Electoral College."--Dave Barry 1992 Year in Review "September 4-- In another setback for the space program, NASA discovers that the service warranty has expired on the Mars Observer."--Dave Barry 1993 Year in Review "Seriously, fellow female netters, HOW could I possibly resist an ancient Japanese traditionalist WARRIOR, who's also a HISTORY MAJOR, watches VIDEOTAPES all night Saturday night, spends the REST of his free time reading COMIC BOOKS, is an INCORRIGIBLE FLIRT, uses terms like 'HOISTED BY MY OWN PETARD', and has PRIVATES that he feels are due the respectful title of NET.GOD! I ask you!!"-- Jane Jensen, re Jerry Boyijian "Seventeen arrests, seventeen convictions....maybe it is me."--Mister Boffo "Sh-Sh-Shakespeare?" "Th-Th-That's right!"--Phone repairman and The Badger "She frowned at me in that special sort of way women look at men right before they apply the Freddy Kruger (TM) Press On Nails, and go for Soprano-Land. I shut up fast."--Thanatos "She really wasn't my type -- a hard-looking, untalented reporter for the local cat-box liner; but the first second that third-rate representative of the fourth estate cracked open a new fifth of Scotch, my sixth sense said seventh heaven was as close as an eighth note from Beethoven's 'Ninth Symphony,' so, nervous as a tenth grader drowning in eleventh-hour cramming for a physics exam, I swept her into my longing arms, and while humming 'The Twelfth Of Never,' I got lucky on Friday the thirteenth." --Buddy Ocheltree winner 1993 Bulwer-Lytton contest "Sheesh . . . just plant me in the ground, cover my head with Spam, and round up the neighbors' weasels. Must be a Monday."--Lazlo Nibble "Since the recently signed START agreement is over 700 pages of dense, technical and largely unreadable prose about arcane weapon systems, there has naturally been some confusion over whether it is the new Tom Clancy novel. It is not. (For one thing, the sex scenes in the treaty are more convincing)." --James Lileks "Sir...Our cloaking shield is down!" "WHAT?!" "I said our cloaking shield is down." "I heard you! That was a rhetorical 'what', you idiot!"--JLI "Sixty thousand words of prose because of a single-bit error? Two million eight hundred fifty-one thousand seven hundred fifty-two bits because a 0 turned into a 1? Sheesh. No _wonder_ we're going to need gigabit/sec networking within the decade..."--Lenny Foner on the Suicide Squid archive "So I asked my mother and father to get me that for christmas (They have been kind enough to help me along with my addiction to comics just as long as I never got into drugs in high school-sort of a pact)"--Mike Simon "So [Thomas Pynchon] wants a private life and no photographs and nobody to know his home address. I can dig it, I can relate to that (but, like, he should try it when it's compulsory instead of a free-choice option)."-- Salman Rushdie "So go out and buy an issue. It's better than waking up in the middle of the night and, upon looking at the foot of your bed, seeing the tiny, ghostly spectres of a Sea Monkey family staring back at you. And aiming a crossbow at your head."--Jeff Meyer "So it is possible for a humor-impaired person, through courage and determination, to overcome his handicap, and maybe even someday, like Mr. Nixon, attain the ultimate political achievement of not getting indicted." --Dave Barry "So now welcome our keynote speaker, Professor Melvin Fenwick-- the man who, back in 1952, first coined the now-famous phrase: `Fools! I'll destroy them all!'"--The Far Side "So now you see there is memory that you can read and write, and read only memory that you can read but not write. So bright students sometimes ask if there is not such a thing as write only memory. Of course there is. It is today's handout. I write it and you don't read it." --an anonymous computer professor "So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons."--Dave Barry "So the rest of this groundbreaking column will be closed-captioned for the humor impaired. After each attempted joke, the humor element will be explained in parentheses, so that you humor-impaired individuals can laugh right along with the rest of us."--Dave Barry "So they have professional writers supplying dramatic elements that are missing from my writing, such as plots, characters and jokes that do not involve the term 'toad mucus.'"--Dave Barry (no, not Rob Liefeld...) "So we're not alone. Now I have to die-- *now*! Just when human history promises to become interesting!"--Concrete's Mom "So why don't you like school?" "We don't read about dinosaurs."--Dad and Calvin "So, don't get me wrong when I tell you that Tom-- while being a very nice guy-- is the *devil*. "--Broadcast News "So," she said, and I could tell by the way she spoke the word that it had quotation marks around it. "You're a young Southern lawyer resembling a John Grisham protagonist as much as possible without violating the copyright laws." "That's right," I replied. "Perhaps we can have sex." "Not in the first chapter," she said.--Dave Barry's legal thriller "Socially prominent people are very fond of disease, because it gives them a chance to have these really elaborate charity functions, and the newspaper headlines say 'EVENING IN PARIS' BALL RAISES MONEY TO FIGHT GOUTS' instead of 'RICH PEOPLE AMUSE THEMSELVES'."--Dave Barry "Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 'user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."-- Bill Gates "Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a totalitarian system of rule! Only Stupendous Man can save the day!...Aha! Just as I suspected! My evil archnemesis, Mom-Lady!" "Didn't I tell you to go to bed?!?"--Calvin and Mom "Some people have a life, and may not read as many books. Big deal." --Jan Yarnot "Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh. It will probably be one of thsoe deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream...but still it will be a laugh."--Mister Boffo "Someone is computing pi to a billion places!" "What do they expect to find in there?" "The Saganic Verses!"--Bill Gosper and Richard Stallman "Spare me, gentle knight! Tenure shalt thee have, and gold, and several attractive female teaching assistants."--Gary's fantasy from thirtysomething "Spelling name in huge script letters: Poster is forced to tattoo HappyNet slogans on their body in huge script letters."--Leader Kibo's Happynet Rules "Spelling on Usenet is like dancing at the Republican National Convention; badly executed, occasionally funny to watch, but for the most part completely ignored." -- Christian Wagner "Stupidity is solo; it takes at least 2 to have a bureaucracy"--Tom Galloway "Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood."--Fortunes "Suicide Squid...lives...but...for...how long?!...How long?" "Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor, not a sushi chef" "Th' tentacles, they nae can take much more of this!" "Fasinating...since it has no shoulders, the Vulcan nerve pinch is ineffective" "Suicide Squid was inwented in Mother Russia" -- Dialogue from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Squid by tyg "Sun Boy gave me a flying belt as consolation for not making the team. It's the Legion of Super-Heroes home game, that's what it is!"--Polar Boy "Surrender!" "And if we do?" "I'll kill you!" "And if we don't?" "I'll kill you!" "Tough choice."--JLI "THE MIT LAW OF SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT ENVELOPMENT: Every program expands until it can read mail."--unknown "THE NEBRASKA STATE MOTTO: `I dunno. What do you wanna do?'"-- Sharon O'Neil "THE PESSIMIST'S GUIDE TO ENGINEER-TALK: What They Say: "That's interesting." What They Mean: "Shit! I've never seen anything remotely like that before."" --unknown "THINGS YOU WILL NOT NEED TO KNOW IN LATER LIFE (1,998 HOURS). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in-ology,-osophy,-istry,-ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life."--Dave Barry "TOP TEN CHANGES TO THE CZECH CONSTITUTION: 2. Nation to be divided into Corn Czechoslovakia & Rice Czechoslovakia" --David Letterman "Take a moment to consider the way the world's truly successful people dress. They dress like mental patients. Your prime example is Prince Charles. Here is one of the world's top princes, if not *the* top prince, yet he is constantly showing up in public wearing ludicrous Sergeant Pepper-style outfits featuring hats with enormous feathers."--Dave Barry "Take this cross and garlic -- here's a Mezuza in case he's Jewish -- a page of the Koran if he's Muslim... and if he's a Zen Buddhist, you're on your own." --Badger on killing vampires "Thank you for flying U.S.A.F. We hope that you will consider us again when your travel plans next include bombing Baghdad."--unknown "That is not the USENET tradition, but it's a solidly-entrenched delusion now."-- [b--i--n] at [ucsd.Edu] (Brian Kantor) "That is one of the Laws of USENET, up there with `You can tell when a USENET discussion is getting old when someone drags out Hitler and the Nazis.'" -- David Goldfarb "That was a great speech. Every thinking American will vote for you." "That's not enough. I need a majority."--Mo Udall "That's the movies, Ed; try reality." "No, thanks."--Northern Exposure "That's the problem with nature. Something's always stinging you or oozing mucus on you. Let's go watch TV."--Calvin "That's the trouble with `mindless slaves'... they're, well, *mindless*!" --Benton Quest "That's the world of the '90's. Too many Supermen. Not enough Clark Kents." --Jules Feiffer "The American Psychiatric Association cites 'Disorder of Written Expression' as code 315.2 in its _Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders_. .... its symptoms include 'poor use of grammar or punctuation, sloppy paragraph organization, awful spelling'. Now they think they can stop the Internet by having us all declared insane."--Vicki Richman "The B2 was, indeed, going to be called the "Batplane". This had to be changed after a trademark dispute-- it seems that after the release of the hollywood film, exclusive use of the "Batplane" name was given to the company that manufactures the cheap plastic toys that come in McDonald's Happy Meals. The name "B2" was then chosen in the hope that it would "sound cheaper" to congress. Personally, I think "Catwoman" would have been a better move." --Usenet Oracle "The F1 was originally going to be called the "Escape", but some thought that this name might send the wrong message to US Armed Forces pilots. A compromise was made by naming the aircraft after the nearest key to the "Escape" key on the Oval Office keyboard."--Usenet Oracle on aircraft names "The Frat Rat of the Universe realizes that With Great Power Comes Great Need to Practice Birth Control."--Moriarty "The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life." -- Andrew Brown "The Internet, a sort of cooperative on-line computer service, is a lot like the Masons. They don't advertise, you have to know somebody to get in... and the members communicate by means of obscure signs and rituals." --Cecil Adams "The Preflight Safety Lecture on Air Dave will consist of five minutes of intensive harmonica instruction."--Dave Barry "The Sunday comic is always Mark Trail wandering around the woods, explaining why squirrels bury nuts and stuff, while the daily is a sort of outdoorsy soap opera. (This confused the hell out of me when I first saw it, because I had been reading the Sunday strip for years and never saw the daily where I grew up- kind of like finding out Herbert S. Zim was actually Batman.)"--David Farley "The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame."-- Chuq Von Rospach "The best example of this is in the Scooby-Doo episodes. Every week the kids would pull the rubber mask off of someone trying to scare people away, but they never lost their infantile belief in ghosts and monsters. You'd think at some point they would have said, `Gee, do you think that might just be the amusement park owner who is pretending to be the ghost of Gustav Mahler so he can scare everyone away and buy up the zinc-laden swampland cheaply? Someone go over and pull on his face.'"-- Lance Smith "The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any more at twenty-one than you did at ten."--Jules Feiffer "The bottom line is, if you truly want to present a business wardrobe image that makes the all-important fashion statement: 'I look exactly like everybody else in American business,' you damn well better dress the way John T. Molloy says you should."--Dave Barry "The city, 1:00am. People in their rooms, asleep, lonely, depressed. One of them gets the urge to pet a small, furry animal. That's where I come in. My name's Friday. I carry a badger."--unknown "The collected Bakker history should inspire us all to become true believers in a supreme higher power that made sure, out of the five billion people in this world, that these two creeps found each other."-- Dennis Miller, SNL News "The comics probably come from Earth-Prime. It was devastated by a nuclear war but I expect some of the comics survived. Collectors always make sure their comics will survive."--Psycho-Pirate "The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not be permitted.... Under no circumstances will either side reveal that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine years arguing the Monty-Hall-and-the-three-doors problem... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at nuclear launch sites." --Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks "The day is saved, but having removed Bean-Hill-Influence Lad's great weakness, the writer has pencilled himself into a corner. The character is now too powerful to live. He dies saving the galaxy againt the Yellow String Bean Men of Altrax 49 three issues later."--Tim Maroney "The difference between philosophy and religion: If you have an argument over philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you throw bombs."--Unknown "The dirty dogs! I'll clean up the whole pack! But first, I'll disguise myself with these spare Clark Kent glassses I always carry in my cape in case Superboy needs them! Hmm...I'll need a new name, too!"--Krypto (Hey, I'd be fooled if my dog suddenly started wearing my spare glasses and responded to a different name...) "The ex-weightlifter/director started the rehearsals by telling us, 'Okay, ve gonna be baroque composers in dis one; you be Telemann, you be Vivaldi, and I'll be Bach.'"--Richard Patching winner, Vile Pun, '94 Bulwer-Lytton "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. Then the dentists, then the has-beens who've appeared on the Love Boat."-- Roger X. Carasso "The funny thing about him was, he always wore a toupee. Don't ask me why. No one ever saw his head under that hood"--The Red Mask "The good news is we got the charges reduced to meter feeding. The bad news is you'll be the first man in this state to be executed for a parking violation." --Mr. Boffo "The great tragedy of science, the slaying of a beautiful theory by an ugly fact.--Thomas Henry Huxley "The judge is holding you in contempt" "What do you mean?" "He hates your guts."--Cowboy Wally "The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain anymore so it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure." --Daniel Dennett "The last time somebody said, `I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about drugs.'"--Roy Blount, Jr. "The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation." ---Lew Mammel, Jr. "The other option is "you're not my real parents! My real parents are rich, and famous, and love each other!" (or are from Krypton)."--Kevin Maguire "The perils of ambulatory reading. If you have never said "Excuse me" to a parking meter or bashed your shins on a fireplug, you are probably wasting too much valuable reading time."--Sherri Chasin Calvo "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it."-- George Bernard Shaw "The problem with Congress is that 90 percent of us are giving the rest of us a bad name".--Sen. Don Coats (R- Ind) "The problem, of course was that even though the information was coming a lot faster, the vast majority of it, having originated with human beings, was still wrong. Eventually people realized that the Information Superhighway was essentially CB radio, but with more typing."--Dave Barry "The problems started back during the Reagan administration, which had so many ethics problems that, to save time, high-ranking officials were being sworn in and indicted in one combined ceremony."--Dave Barry "The public seems incapable of distinguishing between your garden variety idiot and your genuine lunatic. It is the same confusion the public has had over the last five Presidents."--Mark Leeper "The question is (drumroll please) Where is the Marvel Universe?" "Second star to the left, and straight down the tubes." --Henri Fortuin and Chris Jarocha-Ernst "The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously." -- Hubert H. Humphrey "The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this."--Dave Barry "The technical term for a place on a trivia team that has Galloway and Drew is 'sinecure'"--Dani Zweig "The technique he used was Power Wistfulness. Remember the old comic strip Dondi, starring the little syndicated orphan boy who always looked heartbreakingly sad and orphanous and never got adopted, possibly because he had eye sockets the size of manhole covers? Well, my son looked like that." --Dave Barry "The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children."-- Duke of Windsor "The trick here is to put things into perspective. Ask yourself: Does it really matter, long-term, if this guy butts in line in front of you? Is it really more important than serious world problems such as Ethiopia or the Greenhouse Effect? Yes. No question. You don't even know where Ethiopia is." --Dave Barry "The ultimate metric that I would like to propose for user friendliness is quite simple: if this system was a person, how long would it take before you punched it in the nose?"--Tom Carey "The voters have spoken, the bastards..."--unknown "The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."-- Bertrand Russell "Then again, war is an excellent form of arms reduction. Which is why I've always feared the day the president announced the U.S. and U.S.S.R. have decided to get rid of their nuclear arsenals entirely. Those would be just the words a politician would use as the bombs began to fall." --James Lileks "There are a great many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane."--Monty Python's Flying Circus "There are no Famous People on the net. Only some of us with bigger mouths than others."--Dan'l Danehy-Oakes, The Roach "There are plenty of other examples of highly successful people who dress absurdly: Mick Jagger, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and Ronald McDonald, to name just three. And of course you can't find a really successful world religious leader who doesn't wear a comical outfit."--Dave Barry "There are three things I've learned not to discuss with people: Religion, Politics, and the Great Pumpkin."--Linus Van Pelt "There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full." -- Henry Kissinger "There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword."--Benjamin Dana "There is a similar story for the naming of the 747. Boing was going to call it the "666", that is until the marketing department vetoed it. A compromise was made by subtracting 2 from the middle digit and redistributing it to the first and third digits, thus disguising the Number of the Beast while keeping its palindromic and digit-sum properties."--Usenet Oracle "There is no Bear but Yogi, and Booboo is his servant."--unknown "There will be no mutant in-flight "food" served on Air Dave. At mealtime, the pilot will simply land- on an interstate, if necessary- and take everybody to a decent restaurant."--Dave Barry "There's MARVEL PREMIERE which features `Wholesome HOWIE' CHAYKIN..." -- Marvel Hype Box, circa 1976 "There's always something to see and do at the Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump Interpretive Centre, and this summer is no exception," states an official schedule. I have called the centre, and when they answer the phone, they say, very politely- I absolutely swear this is true- "Head Smashed In, may I help you?" And the scary part is, I think maybe they *can*."--Dave Barry "There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone."-- B. Stroustrup, AT&T, (inventor of C++) "There's not one law in the entire criminal code that says it's illegal to shoot a squid!"--Uncle Sid "There's obviously been some mistake. Nobody invites a tiger anywhere. You can't get the insurance."--Calvin "There's one thing you need to be able to really enjoy this comic, and that's a sizable head wound."--Dave Van Domelen "There's something about three days in Disneyland that makes Usenet look. . .normal. That's not the word I want."--Rebecca Leann Smit Crowley "They don't let us beat students anymore, but my fantasy life is my own business."--Ralph Noble "They even let Donald Trump have an airline, which he immediately renamed after himself, as is his classy practice despite the fact that "Trump" sounds like the noise emitted by livestock with gastric disorders. ("Stand back, Earl! That cow's starting to Trump!")"--Dave Barry "They laughed at Fulton, they laughed at Bell, they even laughed at Edison. But this was genuine, heartfelt laughter...robust rolling waves of it, from deep down...the kind where you know they really mean it."--Joe Martin "They want to see people hurting each other! Why do you think the world's the way it is? That's all they *ever* want!"--Psycho-Pirate "They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out of its twelfth story apartment, an crushed six innocents in an insane bid for freedom."--Detective Murdoch "They're filming Rocky V now. This one's being billed as `Rocky's Greatest Challenge', so I guess there's an IQ test involved."-- Jay Leno "Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player." --Anonymous "Things could be worse." "We have a suggestion box."--Mister Boffo and demon in hell. "Think how empty the world would be without music. What would we do with jukeboxes? What would be the highlight at wedding receptions? Having the bride and groom get out on the floor and shoot some skeet?"--Dave Barry "Think of Crisis as a warm boot [Ctrl-Alt-Delete], which =looked= like it might fix everything, but didn't. What was really needed was to do a cold boot [power down, pause, power up]. Of course the =real= solution would be to debug the system."--Todd VerBeek "This book should not be set lightly aside, but hurled, with great force" --Dorothy Parker "This country may no longer be capable of manufacturing anything more technologically sophisticated than breakfast cereal, but by God when it comes to advertising, we are still--and I mean this sincerely--No. 1."--Dave Barry "This film failed miserably at the box office, once again proving Cowboy Wally to be a progressive visionary and ahead of his time."--Cowboy Wally "This had better be important! I'm smack in the middle of an especially meldramatic monologue!"--Manga Khan "This handout is not produced for your erudition but merely so I can practice the TeX word-processor." [Cambridge University Math Dept.] "This is a job for....somebody else."-Plucky Duck "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the left." [Cambridge University Math Dept.] "This is a revolution, damn it! We're going to have to offend SOMEbody!" -- John Adams, 1776 "This is the Ivy Covered Halls of Higher Learning! We have a mission for you! Drop everything and proceed at once to Ann Arbor!"--Megaton Man "This is why psychologists recommend, when you feel your anger getting out of control, that you practice a simple yoga technique: Imagine that you're in a peaceful, quiet setting such as a meadow, then take a deep breath, then exhale slowly, then gently s-q-u-e-e-z-e that trigger. See how much better you feel? In Advanced Yoga, we use grenades."--Dave Barry "This is why, when we build a major weapon, rather than build it all in one place, we assemble it from tiny Chiclet-sized pieces, each one manufactured in a key district or state, always including West Virginia, home of Sen. Robert "I'm Not A Large Albino Ferret, But I Play One On C-Span" Byrd (D-Pork)." --Dave Barry "This kind of restaurant is the ideal place to learn the rules of dining etiquette ("etiquette" itself is a French word, meaning "wrong fork")." --Dave Barry "This must be the Red Sox' year. Statistics of the last 75 years prove that the Sox always win the World Series one year after a Russian revolution." --Dan Shaughnessy (1992 provided an extension that states they either win the World Series or finish last in their division) "This reminds me of the Star Trek episode where the transporters malfunction and Captain Chekov is trapped---" "That's Captain Kirk." "Not in the U.S.S.R."--Rocket Red and Captain Atom "This single episode increase the ratings of the show to such a degree that the following episodes were shown without commercials because no one could afford the advertising rates. The show was canceled two weeks later." --Cowboy Wally's Late Night Celebrity Showdown "This was when the news media and the scientific community were engaging in one of their periodic joy spasms over Voyager 2, the plucky little robot spacecraft that travels through the galaxy beaming back the exciting news that every planet it encounters is basically The Toxic Waste Dump From Hell."--Dave Barry "This, of course, is your risk to take. We are not responsible for the actions of any moron who looks to cartoon characters for guidance"--Milk & Cheese "Those alarm things that make a real loud honking kind of noise were going off as Captain James Hurley stared at the screen that showed him the stuff outside in space, while he sat in the chair that the captain sits in and slowly reached for the control panel for the thing that makes the ship go real fast." --Tom Butler, 1993 Bulwer-Lytton contest sf winner "Those guys are giving you the evil eye. What's up?" "I used to do movie reviews in town. They never forgave me for liking Flash Gordon." "You must be nuts. I liked it too."--Badger and Baron "Timmy, how are you doing with that new Reading program, 'Hooked On Demonics'?" "ThErE Is nO TiMmY -- ThErE Is OnLy zUuL!!!" -- Zog Archer "Tinya is a Legionnaire, her heart is pure, her mind is fair But Enya lets the good times roll, a credit makes her lose control What a crazy pair! But they're cousins . . . Bgztlian cousins, all the way They look alike they fight alike And certainly they phase alike Jo could lose his mind! When cousins . . . are two of a kind!"--Chris McCubbin "Tipper and some other concerned federal mothers decided to hold a hearing, which produced the single greatest moment in recent federal legislative history when Susan Baker, wife of the current secretary of state, in an effort to illustrate the seriousness of the situation, spelled out the "f"-word to the Senate Commerce Committee? Don't you wish you had that on videotape?" --Dave Barry "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."--Woody Allen "To sleep! Perchance to sleep through class tomorrow... Ay, there's the rub. Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows Of lethargic lectures, or to take sleep over the series of seminars, and by doing so, flunk them."--Christopher Davis "To tell the truth, I don't think I would've chosen a dark, drippy cave as a clubhouse for a group of borderline depressive teen-agers, Polar Boy." --Chlorophyll Kid "Tod, are you at the ice box again?" "Yes, Mom, doing homework requires a lot of energy (not to mention fighting the Viet Cong!)"--Tod Holton, Super Green Beret "Today, we're going to talk about how you can get involved in the fascinating and rewarding hobby of genealogy, which is the study of people named "Gene."" --Dave Barry "Tolerating intolerance is not a virtue."--Barry Shein "Tom and Jerry 2099. The cat and the mouse are still at it. Now they both have big guns! Watch as they level entire cities with their high jinks." --Lance Smith "Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow."--The Cook's Dictionary "Too bad men aren't like computers. Predictable, compliant, full of answers but no questions...yet able to deliver an occasional delightful surprise." --Brenda Starr "Too much yoga: 'Muriel..What's that thing your uncle always says when he its his finger with a hammer?'"--Mister Boffo "Trouble: Charles Manson" "REAL Trouble: His evil twin"--Mister Boffo "Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence." -- Henrik Tikkanen "Trust me. I know what I'm doing."--Sledge Hammer "Trust me. You look like...like...Astro Boy." "*All Right*! I can't wait to get my picture taken now!" Hobbes and Calvin "Try as he might, Guido Smith could not get into the spirit of Oktoberfest this year; his laissez-faire cum manana attitude made him want to say sayonara to the whole shebang."--Marc Roberge, 1993 Bulwer-Lytton multicultural winner "Tumescence of the sexual organ is probably the only condition where rubbing it makes it better. Kissing it to make the hurt go away also helps, but not as much."--Torsten Adair "Tyg is always right. I will listen to tyg. I will not ignore tyg's recommendations. tyg is god. And if this ever happens again, tyg will personally rip your lungs out."--suggested r.a.c. mantra, adapted from Ivanova's Babylon 5 mantra "USENET is William Shatner and George Bush trading places after being hit by lightning."-- James 'Kibo' Parry "USENET is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read"--Joshua Heller "Uh oh. It's the taste police."--Batman "Um, we were wondering. If we, say, for instance, oh...just left, would you guys consider that 'trying something'?" "Oh, YEAH. If you leave, that'd be escaping. Clearly grounds for us to beat you up."--Damage Control vs. the New Warriors "Under Canadian Law, adult comicbook readers, having committed the sin of not judging a medium by the products within it meant for children or teenagers, must ring a bell as they walk, crying out 'Unclean! Unclean!' and that puts off most people. That and the little squid they make us wear on all our clothes warns real adults not to talk to us."--James Nicoll "Unless his father is rich, a graduate student in computer science will most likely end up supporting himself by working on university research projects or, if he doesn't speak English, by teaching undergraduates."--Steve Connelly "Unless you live in Indonesia, there should be several malls within five miles of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which one you go to: Under federal law, all malls in the United States must have the same 42 chain stores."--Dave Barry "Until this moment, I never knew why God put me on this Earth, but now I know...To buy that comic book!"--Bart Simpson "Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points. "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids... ". "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem... ". "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer... "" -- From Peter Dutton's 148 Things (Not) To Do Or Say At Or For Your Thesis Defense "Usenet is a way of being annoyed by people you otherwise never would have met." -- John J. Kinyon "Usenet is not a right." "Usenet is a right, a left, a jab, and a sharp uppercut to the jaw. The postman hits! You have new mail. "-- Ed Vielmetti & Chip Salzenberg "Usenet is the equivalent of an old west saloon. Certain strong personalities tend to dominate, and every so often somebody says something that becomes the electronic equivalent of that moment when the piano player stops playing ... people look over their shoulders slowly...one guy slowly gets up...and there's the sound of chairs being pushed hurriedly away and the stampeding of non-combatants getting out of the way. The only difference is, imagine the two duelists facing each other...and everybody else in the bar is tossing spitballs at them from corners of the room."--Peter David "WHAT IF The Batman(tm) had become... A Psychiatrist? "A treatise on the collective unconscious crashes through the window! 'I shall become... a Jungian!'""--Jeff Meyer "War is peace. Freedom is slavery. _Wolverine_ is meaningful"--captkidd "Watching the PTL Club was like watching a mutant version of Wheel of Fortune, where Pat Sajak and Vanna White won all the prizes."--Dave Barry "We all know that cats land on their feet if you throw them up in the air. And we know that the buttered side of the bread always falls face down. So what happens when you butter the back of a cat? Does it stick to the ceiling?"--Meesh Hell "We are simple people, sahib. We sing. We dance. We shoot on sight." "There it is: a summary of r.a.c.m. in thirteen words." --Andrew Farrell and Ted Faber "We don't have any chainsaws, Calvin." "We don't? Not any?" "Nope." "How am I ever going to learn how to juggle?" Mom and Calvin "We expect [Salvadorian officials] to work toward the elmination of human rights."---Dan Quayle "We had a better class of bastard in the old days, that's for sure." --The Red Mask "We had been married long enough that Fifi's burning gaze and flaring nostrils told me _exactly_ what she wanted, so I hurriedly peeled off her tight satin dress, dispatched her lacy French brassiere with a flick of the wrist, her garter belt became a 'ringer' on the furthest bedpost, and as I sent her imported silk stockings arcing gracefully into the laundry hamper, I dropped to my knees and promised never, _never_ to go into town wearing her clothes again."--William "Buddy" Ocheltree '94 Bulwer-Lytton "We have a president who has not the slightest clue about how a U.S. city dweller lives. This is a man who has never in his life had to use a public service: not a public school, or a public beach, or a public park, or a public bus or a public subway system. He has not so much as walked alone on a public sidewalk for the past 10 year. He is not accosted by panhandlers; no street urchin ever tries to wipe his windshield. He is not ungenerous--but the only homeless person he has ever met personally is the emir of Kuwait."--Lars-Erik Nelson "We have seen pictures [of Mars] where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."--Dan "in charge of the National Space Commission" Quayle "We have to hurry!" "You're the one driving Mad Dog! I can't sit here and be a passenger any faster than this!"--Mad Dog and Buddy "We know that primitive man felt anger, as is evidenced by the deep kick marks that archeologists have found in prehistoric vending machines." --Dave Barry "We males cannot really know the misery of female birth control, just as we cannot know the pain of childbirth (a fact for which I get down on my knees and give thanks at every opportunity)."--Dave Barry "We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?"-- Jean Cocteau "We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."--Jack Handey "We understand the importance of the bondage between parent and child." ---Dan Quayle "We'd make a great couple--we already can't stand each other. It would save us about ten years of marriage."--Steven Lee Pearson "We're Americans-- with a capital 'A'! And do you know what that means? Do you? It means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world."--Bill Murray "We're all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be beating up on people."-- Sugar Ray Leonard "We're all words on a page. I just thought you ought to know."--Mad Hatter "We're ashamed because Batman can never equal Beethoven.."--Zippy "We're giving you a budget of 10 million. The thing is, for tax reasons we need this movie by the end of the fiscal year." "Sure. When's that?" "Next Friday."--Cowboy Wally "We're in big trouble!" "Think positive, Helpermier!" "*You're* in big trouble."--Mister Boffo "We're moving again. We're not going far: Maybe two miles, as the heat-seeking radar-equipped South Florida Stealth Mosquito flies. It's hard to explain why we're doing this. Call it a crazy whim. We just woke up one morning and said, "I know! Let's put everything we own into boxes!""--Dave Barry "We've decided to hear what you think would be an appropriate punishment." "What I think?" "Yes." "How about strapping me in front of the tv and forcing me to eat chocolate chip cookies?"--Fox Trot "We've got bad news and worse news. First the bad news: A UNC-CH poll showed that as many as one in five Southerners believes 'The South would be a lot better off if it had won the War Between the States. Now the worse news: A private survey found that South Carolina has more nuclear warheads than any other state."--Lew Powell "Welcome to College Bowel, the varsity sport of the gastro-intestinal tract" --Bruce Baugh "Well I'm sorry, but those flimsy excuses don't cut any ice with me. Nothing cuts any ice with me. I don't even understand what that expression means." --Dave Barry "Well, Clarissa no longer seems to be contagious, but she may well have spread the Megaton Man Syndrome to an unsuspecting college campus, I'm afraid!!! Without the proper antidote, the University of Michigan will become the University or Megaton Man...!" --Professor Levitch "Well, I don't care. I'm not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes." --Calvin's Mom. "Well, I wrote the book on rough. ...And I wrote the foreword!! And, I posed for the dust jacket photo...And, I read it on tape, in a 'Books for the Blind' edition...And I did a sixteen city promotional signing tour!! So there!!" --Mad Dog "Well, Zoiks! Let's take off his mask and see who he is. [...] Hey, there's nothing under here but a neck and some tendons." -- Mighty Mouse (Bakshi style) "Well, all my childhood friends had Erector Sets, and I happen to know for a fact that, in addition to the recommended educational projects such as the Truck, the Crane, and the Carrousel, it was possible to build the Bug Pulper, the Worm Extender, and the Gears of Pain."--Dave Barry "Well, here we are in the Phillipines!" "Drawn without reference material, apparently."--Sam and Max "Well, if it wasn't Buckaroo Banzai, I'd say 'commit the man.'" --The Secretary of Defense from BUCKAROO BANZAI "Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can* you believe?!"--Bullwinkle J. Moose "Well, it's obvious to me that the EYE OF MONGOMBO is not what the public wants! I will concede to the majority; I am a reasonable man! *I QUIT FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU*!!!"--THE EYE OF MONGOMBO "Well, speaking as your doctor, transplanting the adrenal glands of a sick Doberman Pinscher, one who was dying of alpha-proton radiation sickness no less, into your own body was not a smart thing to do."--Mad Dog "Well, what do you want? This is Hell we're talking about, not Club Med. You've got to expect things to be a little run down."--Stig's Inferno "Well, when *I* was young, we didn't have newspapers. Hell, we didn't even have paper. All we had were cave paintings! Have you ever tried to store a reasonable size collection of cave paintings? Just moving the caves around to sort them into hieroglyphic order was a hassle like you wouldn't believe." -- tyg "What I want is a 'Get Out Of Work Free' card."--Tim Illington "What all prayers boil down to is 'Please God, alter the natural laws of the universe in my favor'."--unknown "What breakfast cereal has had the greatest influence on your life?" #55 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "What did I do to deserve this?" "How long a list would you like?"--Vila & Avon "What do I care for the C.I.A. Director's tawdry affairs? I'm on the trail of Satan himself!"--Deadman "What do any of us want, Mr. Shelley? A decent standard of living, a little respect, a quarter ton of chocolate mousse."--Mister Nobody "What do you mean, 'Is that it?' I'll have you know that lighting up lots of different colors is too a valuable power! And it's not all I do, either! I...I also skate!"--Dazzler "What good is a rule if you are going to make exceptions to it?"--Groo "What is the name of the hero Billy Batson transforms into when he says his magic word, 'Shazam'?" "Gomer Pyle."--Double Dare "What this means, in technical terms, is that on the international currency exchanges, the dollar is kicking some monetary butt. Traders are blowing their noses on the franc and the pound."--Dave Barry "What was the name of the dog on the `Brady Bunch'?" "...Florence Henderson?"--Remote Control "What'll it be next? Choice extracts from the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations? Trotting out the Nietzsche and the Shelley and the Shakespeare to dignify some old costumed claptrap?"--Grant Morrison "What's a codpiece?" "It makes you look bigger." "Oh, like pinstripes."--Cowboy Wally "What's going on here!?" "We're strip mining ytterbium!" "Ytterbium!? But that's one of the rarest minerals on Earth!" "Only 'cause we dug it all up here in the past!"--Zot in dimension 10 1/2 "When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if i'm leaving." --Steven Wright "When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge." --Steven Wright "When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes.""--Steven WRight "When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong."--Arthur C. Clarke "When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'"--David Parnas "When congressman Newt Gingrich was a graduate student at Tulane University I baptized him by immersion into the membership of the St. Charles Avenue Baptist Church. Perhaps I didn't hold him under long enough."-- (The Rev.) G. Avery Lee "When i was young we didn't have computers. we had abacuses. BIG abacuses."--M. Legare "When it's time to change seats: 'Bite one more of my fingers off and say goodbye to your other eyeball!'"--Mister Boffo "When modern life seems hectic and depressing, preserved historic things serve as a reminder that once, not so very long ago, there was a quieter time, a time that was far less hectic but infinitely more depressing inasmuch as people had to go to the bathroom in unheated outbuildings in the dead of winter."-D.Barry "When visiting Washington, D.C. recently, President-elect Clinton gave a homeless man a quarter. The man commented that he'd voted for Clinton for change, and that's just what he'd gotten."--Capitol Steps "When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges."--Jack Handey "When you're God, you find your little jokes go down rather well."--God, the Ultimate Autobiography "When you're in love it's the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life." -- Richard Lewis "When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb."-- Steve Haflich "When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great fevor and emotion--the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, probably right."--Isaac Asimov "When, where, how, why, and what?" "And in response, thus spake the Oracle: Now, here, massive coronary, no grovelling, your imminent demise." --Guillermo P. and the Usenet Oracle "Whenever I hear the Four Seasons' `Walk Like a Man,' I want to scream, `Frankie, SING like a man!'" --Dave Barry bad song contest "Where do these people come from? Is there an agency out there that reads the Net and says "oops, not enough morons on this newsgroup" and then assigns some slack-jawed inbred grit-eatin' stooge to gum up the works?"--Jim Cowling "Whereas you never see a human female stop on the sidewalk and turn to a mouth-sound-emitting male and, her voice husky with passion, tell him: 'My God, when I hear you suck really loud on your crooked, tartar-laden upper front teeth, I am filled with such desire that I must take you *immediately* to a nearby luxury hotel and put the room on *my* Visa card.'--Dave Barry "While I'd hardly say I'm morally bankrupt, you could probably make a good case for me being in moral receivership."--Richard Sexton "Whirlwinds are terribly destructive events, taking regions which are orderly and turning them into wastelands, causing great amounts of bloodshed, property damage, and human suffering, so I think they make great models for romance and ill-considered marriages."--James Nicoll "Who IS this mysterious masked man? And why has he never been photographed together with handsome, 6-year-old millionaire playboy Calvin?"--C&H "Who the hell are you and what the hell do you know about all this?" "I do wish you would watch your language, Captain Atom. I find it most disturbing. You are, after all, a so-called 'super-hero', a role model for our youngsters..." "You're right, of course...So who the *heck* are you?!?!?"--JLE "Why did people respond to the Bakkers this way? How could such a grasping, shallow and flagrantly self-absorbed couple manage to acquire such a large and fervent following? One widely accepted answer, of course, is that the followers had the same average intelligence as margarine."--Dave Barry "Why does everything have to have a bright side? Isn't is possible to just screw something up, not learn anything, and be miserable?" "Sure, what do you think college was all about?" --Doctor Doctor "Why does the world's most powerful computer wear little red sneakers?" --Hobbes "Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"--Steven Wright "Why, I even heard the secret of the universe was printed in one issue of 'Grit', but nobody ever read the damn thing."--Major Honey "Why, whenever I feel a little bit down, I just think of the lovely, sensitive poetry of Leonard Nimoy..."--Major Honey "With persistence, clear thinking, and the proper chain saws, you can do anything." --An Unnamed Marine Biologist "Words are ugly when they travel in packs"--Hightower "Worst Defense Award: I thought he was a pinata."--Mister Boffo "Worst piece of military strategy award: mime front line giving the enemy the impression of an invisible impenetrable wall."--Mister Boffo "Would someone please explain to me why the triumph of Evil is always accompanied by ugly, skimpy and non-functional clothing, an exponential increase in power, and a total failure of intellect?"--Dani Zweig "Would you add a year to your life if it meant taking a year away from the life of some other person? Ok, what if the other person was Geraldo Rivera?" #24 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "Would you be willing to personally cut off Bambi's legs with a chainsaw if it meant that there would never be another used car lot in the world?" #72 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "Would you dance naked in Macy's front window to save the whales? What about the snail darter? Is it because whales are bigger?" #85 The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "Wouldn't it be nice if we could cut through all this red tape and just beat it out of you?"--IRS auditor in Mister Boffo "Writer of Technical Manuals and other Science Fiction!"--ArJay Kimmel "Writers, by definition, have tremendous egos. Because a writer is someone who says, 'Look at me! What I have to say is so important that it deserves to be written down and preserved and have my name on it for future generations to mull over!'"--Harlan Ellison "Writing Tip #5: Visualization. Your readers will need help visualizing your characters. Give them all the help they need. Be generous with details. Don't leave your readers with a lot of filling in to do. If they want to use their imaginations, let them write their own damned books."--Scott Rice "Yeah, but it gets real lonely as a moderate activist, standing alone with a sign that reads 'Reasonable informed discussion of the issues, as soon as is feasable!'."--James Nicoll "Yeah, there are statements which are pretty close to Truth for the critical and/or the popular community, and I'd say that Sim being a better writer than Byrne would certainly comes about as close to "subjective fact" as you'll find in comix field. (Overshadowed only by "Alan Moore is a better writer than Stan Lee", which was discovered etched in marble tablets next to the Dead Sea scrolls.)"--Jeff Meyer "Yep, once again it's time for the annual showing of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. See a poor innocent reindeer who has suffered an unfortunate mutation that manifested itself at birth try to fit into normal North Pole society by disguising and not using his mutant powers. See him deal with parental disgust at what he is. And most important, see him show up those geeks at the reindeer games for what they are!" -- Tom Galloway "Yes, we are a simple, happy people, living off the land and reading power fantasies like our fathers before us..."--Jeff Meyer "Yes, well, that's just the sort of blinkered philistine pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage."--Monty Python "Yes, you're very smart. Now shut up."--The Princess Bride "Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing."--Steven Wright "Yesterday she put some magazines on a table in a fan arrangement. This is, of course, one of the early symptoms of the dread June Cleaver Disease, which ultimately leads to the appearance, in your bathroom, of soap shaped like fruit."--Dave Barry "Yogi Bear 2099. He's the best at what he does and that's stealing picnic baskets. The series starts with the highly mediocre "Bears Steal, Rangers Tranquilize!" Fans will decide the fate of Boo Boo! Does he live or die!" --Lance Smith "You and an attractive member of the opposite sex are trapped in an elevator. You are getting to know each other and the time is passing pleasantly when you become aware that you have to go to the bathroom really bad. What kind of arrangements do you make? Be specific." #34 The Book of Stupid Questions "You are driving on a steep mountain road when a dog suddenly darts in front of your car. There's no time to brake, and if you swerve to miss it, you will plunge off a steep cliff. What would you use to clean the blood off your chrome?" #12, The Book of Stupid Questions, Tom Weller "You are utterly the stupidest, most self-centered, appallingest excuse for an anthropomorphic personification on this or any other plane!"--Death "You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on." --University of Waterloo math class "You can't do this to me! I'm rich! I'm important! I'm a Republican!" --Montana Max "You deliver a good argument, but speaking personally, I'd rather have an exhibitionist nymphomaniac, especially one who looked like Julie Newmar." -- Jerry Boyajian "You don't want to make an observation like this to a foreign person, because some of them don't understand English, even if you take the trouble to speak very loud."--Dave Barry "You have an arrogance that is reserved, on usenet, for people who *know what they are talking about*." --Richard Sexton "You have to remember now that a *lot* of funny meteorites were coming down back the. A lot of guys were getting weird powers and stuff."--The Red Mask "You haven't begun to tote up the real cost of the dreaming being out of control for most of the twentieth century. Results include the development of daytime soaps, deconstruction, Piers Anthony, and the CCA." --Dani Zweig "You know things have rather jumped the groove when potential suspects must explain to law enforcers the nature of their alleged perpetrations." --John Barlow, on the Secret Service & Hackers "You know which one I like? When Kirk got split into his good and evil halves. Don't know why. I just liked it."--Hulk on Star Trek (let's see Shatner tell him to "Get a life!"...) "You know, I suspect that all the continuity problems can be traced to a single, pivotal event. After all, Darkseid, evil tyrant of Apokolips, slew Jonni DC, Continuity Cop back in what, '83? Soon afterward, the plans for _Crisis on Infinite Earths_ began resulting in a) a total mess of continuity, and b) vast exposure for Darkseid, including being made part of the TV cartoon, participating in any number of miniseries, and making trouble for everyone from the Green Lantern Corps to Jimmy Olsen. A nefarious scheme begins to unfold..."---Mike Schiffer "You know, I'm beginning to think that the Right To Life movement in this country believes that life officially begins when you agree with *them*." -- Dennis Miller "You know, squids are really an underutilized villain origin in many comic books today."--David Henry "You look like a man with the minimum daily requirement of intelligence. Where can I find a book on self-confidence?"--Herman "You mean, you put down your rock, and I put down my sword, and we try to kill each other like civilized people?"--The Princess Bride "You meet the damnedest people in Hell"-- Roger Zelazny "You need a source of stability and safety for your family. A new form of insurance from an old and trusted firm. Power to allow you to live life to the fullest and most successful. You need A Piece of the Rock -- OLYMPUS!" --Jeff Meyer "You people veer dangerously close to sanity. But fortunately, you never quite make it all the way there."--Harlan Ellison on MIT "You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for 'I speak Latin, and you do not.'"--Dave Barry "You think this job is easy? Not only do I have to wade through politics, life and popular culture, I have to have an opinion. You can go to the movies and fall asleep-- not this consumer!"-- Ian Shoales "You try my patience!" "Don't mind if I do; you must come over and try mine sometime!" --Margaret Dumont and Groucho Marx "You used to be just kinda weird. What happened?"--Fox Trot "You're in worse shape that you look! You're quoting Dan Quayle."--She-Hulk "You're just absolutely right, and I'm absolutely wrong. It must be NICE to always believe you know better... to always think you're the smartest person in the room." "No, it's *awful*."--Broadcast News "You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... except, y'know, not green...and without all the patches of fungus." --Abby Holland "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer."--Robin Williams "You, sir, have a chip on you shoulder...and it would seem that the source of wood is just above your neck."- Peter David "Young Billy Batson was wandering the streets of San Francisco, late at night when a mysterious figure in a trenchcoat beckoned Billy to follow him into the subway station. Billy followed him. Poor Billy hasn't been heard from since, and alas, the police are not optimistic as to his fate."--Paul Estin "Your camping vacation, a chance for you to escape the constant nagging pressures of everyday life, with its incessant air conditioning, flush toilets, dirt-free food, etc., and get out where you can become close to nature in all of its awesome life-threatening grandeur."--Dave Barry "Your foot. Your mouth. Go arrange a meeting for them."--Diane Duane "Your news show was canceled a week after you took over the anchor position from Gary Morton." "It was a slow news month!"--'Glassy' Stairs and Cowboy Wally "Zucchini- the zucchini is a dense, flavorless vegetable that is useful primarily as ballast. You can also eat zucchini, but only in very small quantities: One zucchini is enough to satisfy the zucchini needs of a family of six for a year."--Dave Barry "`I am that merry wanderer of the night'? I am that giggling-dangerous- totally-bloody-psychotic-menace-to-life-and-limb, more like it." "Shush, Peaseblossom! The Puck might hear you!"--Sandman "`I must carry this burden myself!' said Jesus crossly."--Thant Tessman "`There Ain't Enough Room In My Fruit Of The Looms To Hold All My Love For You.' (This might not be a real song, but I don't care.)"--Dave Barry bad song contest "`There are few alarms in the world more terrifying than 'The dam has broken!'' he wrote....Surely a modern equivalent of this cry is `The system is down!' Miss Manners has seen such a cry terrify whole crowds of people who weren't using the system because they hadn't yet figured it out."--Miss Manners "`Torn Between Two Lovers.' (Reader comment: `Torn, yes, hopefully on the rack.')" --Dave Barry bad song contest tyg [t--g] at [netcom.com] .