From: [d--o--d] at [pomona.edu] (Dave Good) Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc Subject: Alas poor rac*, for I knew it well Date: Thu, 02 May 1996 17:45:14 +0000 Originally, I just did this for my own amusement. But I am leaving you all, and I will miss you. I figured there was no better way to end my four years here than to piss everyone off. So, here goes. RAC* WARS It is a dark time for the Rebellion. After several heavy losses, the Evil Empire has hatched a plan to destroy the fabric of rac-ality. We join our heroes (and enemies?) trying to figure out just what this plan is. Mike Chary: "Oh, no! What are we going to do to? What are we going to do to stop this vile plan?" Elayne: "Well, if this really is a vile plan, and I'm not saying it is, and we want to stop it, which I'm not saying we do, we could send my minions out to do research, but I'm not necessarily saying we *should* do that." Patman: "Well, I think the fabric of rac-ality has already been screwed up pretty hardcore. The signal to noise ratio has never been lower than--" Christine: "It's so like you to not answer the question. You are so sensitive." Gustavus: "Comic books have made men really sensitive. I read Strangers in Paradise and it made me hypersensitive. Sometimes I actually cry now." Johanna: "Well, at least you aren't a woman. Imagine living in a world where women are raped and shot on sight." damon: "women aren't raped and shot on sight, Johanna. your argument is specious." Johanna: "Damon, men are the supreme oppressors of everyone. If you don't agree with me, I have no interest in discussing this with you further." Dave Good: "Oh no you don't! Explain! What do you mean by that?" Johanna: "No. I refuse to explain it." Dave Good: "So you are just going to call us supreme oppressors and not tell us why we are or how we can change ourselves or your opinion?" Johanna: "Oh no, I'm not going to be a target for you, Dave. Men are oppressors. If you don't believe me, you are naive. And if you talk about your thesis one more time, I'm gonna--" Dave Good: "Why are we naive?" Elayne: "Well, what I think Johanna was trying to say, and I'm sure she will correct me, and I'm not saying this myself, is that you are naive." Johanna: "Don't try to trap me with my own words, Dave." damon: "this is a stupid conversation anyway. i'm leaving." Dave Good: "Oh, yeah. This *is* silly. Sorry, Johanna." Johanna: "No big deal. And with that, I'm outta here." Elayne: "I like to consider you my friend, Johanna. I am sorry to see you go. But if that is what you must do, I will support your decision. 'It's not nice or sane, but it's part of what makes us human.' --Red Grange" Kevin Maroney: "Getting back to the plot against rac, I think it has something to do with the Augie/Scott McMahan connection. They are the outspoken fans of Image here, and I have never seen the two of them in the same place at the same time. I think we all know what I'm talking about. It has to do with grassy knolls, defective o-rings, Decepticons, Onslaught, Zero Hour, and syringes in cans of sody pop." Jim Smith: "Why doesn't anyone ever think *I'm* the plot against racm?" Patman: "Kevin, there is no way in hell that it's Scott McMahan, you stupid fuck." Kal El, Jr.: "What does fuck mean?" Kevin: "Patman, c'mon. There's no reason for language like that. There's a little bit of evidence. What's YOUR theory?" Patman: "Haha. YHBT!!" Talon: "Well, at least Kevin doesn't think it's *me* for once. Thank God." Jim Cowling: "Oh, there you religious fanatics go again! I'm outta here." Christine: "Bye, Jammed Boweling." Talon: "Shut up, Cunt Tina. If you need help, I got something I can stick in your mouth. Hrm. I forgot it's even smaller than some people here think. Damn. I need something a LOT bigger." Christine: "Did you hear anything? *I* sure didn't! And what's this little thing in my mouth! Pfeh! I don't see you Rick, I can't hear you, either! [starts singing] Ohhhhh say can you see, by the dawn's early light!" Talon: "Ohhhhhkaaaaay. . . Jim, do you have some Superman comics I can shove in Christine's mouth?" Tom Galloway: "I am *really* out of here this time." Jim Smith: "Actually, I used all my old Superman comics for birdcage liner. But it's not what you think. It wasn't so Krypto the Kanary would shit on them. My doctor told me I should put Krypto to sleep, but he wanted $100 to do it. I figured, hey, I can do it for a few bucks with some Superman comics!" Christine: "Bye, Tim Gulloway!" Dave Good: "Christine, I really don't understand why you think changing the spelling of people's names is so funny." Christine: "You admit it! You never understand my posts!" Dave Good: "That's not what I said, I was trying to ask why--" Christine: "What so PROOUUUUUUUUDLLY we hailed!" Mike Chary: "Why are there so many damn Daves?" David van Domelen: "Don't ask me, I just review here." Dave Good: "You say that like it's a bad thing." Dave Eppley: "Why are there so many damn Mikes?" David Henry: "Why are there so few Rogues?" Robraza: "Your a racist bastard, Jim. You put your bird too sleep reading about white superheroes instead of black superheroes. Remember that post where you said, 'I sure am glad I didn't put him to sleep reading about Steel. That would have sent him straight to hell, where all black people are'? You remember that post, Razarob?" Razarob: "Yeah. Jim is a racist." Mike Smith: "He's not a racist! He isn't!" Jim Smith: "I'm not. That post was a FAKE!" Elayne: "Now, I'm not saying I agree with Robraza and Razarob. I just think that maybe you guys could have posted a different post. Don't get me wrong. I support your right to post. I just don't think you guys maybe went about it just the right way. Anyway, how are you doing Jim? Last I heard, you were racing Kal El in the Pinewood Derby. How's that car coming? I'm trying to get pregnant, you know." Patman: "Elayne, have you ever heard of e-mail? Ah, what's the use. I'm outta here. I've had more fun making sculptures out of earwax." Todd VerBeek: "Um, sorry to talk about comics here, guys, but I thought Foot Soldiers was a good comic. The heroes were well thought-out and interesting." Dave Good: "Really? I thought it sucked. They never should have printed it. But remember, I'm incapable of saying positive things, and I normally don't post in comics-related threads." Christine: "Why do you care that it sucked? SOMEBODY thought it was good enough to publish. That means your opinion doesn't matter, because it *was* printed! Why even discuss it?" Elayne: "OHMIGOD!!!! I'm pregnant! And it seems I am going into labor RIGHT NOW! So I will be off rac* for awhile. . . best wishes, all! I think everyone here is really great." All: "Congratulations, Elayne!" Greg: "It's amazing how little changes here. It's like a soap opera. . . I can miss a whole year and still pick up where we left off! Is there an FoL thread anywhere? Reminds me of issue #39 of Swamp Thing where he married Imelda Marcos over and over again." Abhijit: "Actually, Swamp Thing married Imelda Marcos in issue #42. You might be confusing it with Man-Thing #39, where Man-Thing marries Zsa Zsa Gabor, or It Came from the Swamp #139, where the Thing That Came From the Swamp smokes himself and hits on Nancy Reagan." Dave Good: "Yey! The thesis is done. Hey. . . I feel nicer already! Christine, I'm sorry if you felt like I was singling you out, I just disagreed with a lot of what you said. It wasn't personal, I sw--" Christine: "By the twilight's last GLEEEEEEAAAAMING!" Dave Good: "Sigh. Racm used to be a lot of fun. It isn't anymore. I'm graduating and I'm outta here. Christine: "Good riddance, Dave Bad! Wait. . . there's nobody left! Five minutes pass. Christine: "You are all cowards! COWARDS! Damn. I'm here all alone. Maybe I'll take Rick out of my killfile. Nah, I'd just put him back in in a flash." Elayne [pops her head in]: "I heard that! Were YOU making fun of Flash? Don't make me sic my minions on you! Wait. There's nobody here! What the hell happened?" Christine: "We were all trying to figure out what this new menace to rac* was, but everybody left. And we never figured out what the menace was!" THE END. . . for now. . . MORALS: You can't have your rac* and eat it, too. Christinely to bed and Christinely to rise makes rac repetitive, pejorative, and lies. Killfiles are easy. Comedy is hard. It's not the size of the quote, it's the notion of the postin'. What do you get when you give a Smith a pen-Elayne for his thoughts? Change. Everything changes except for change itself. And Christian Viola's belief that Rob Liefeld's poopoo don't stink. To anybody I didn't make fun of in this "parody": fuck you, you suck. I want everybody to feel included. Racm is starting to suck hardcore. I apologize for a) not including everyone who posts on racm. There are a lot of people out there that do not post very often. Many of them post only when they have something good to say. Would that I could do that myself. Quantity does not equal quality. b) a post that has absolutely NOTHING to do with comics. c) ANYTHING in this post that seems to be dividing people into groups. I was trying to alienate everyone from myself. Nothing more. And that, my dear friends, is it from me. I will be offline for a week or so and probably only do e-mail a few more times (it's harder to go cold turkey on that than Usenet by just a tad). I probably won't visit rac*. . . this is my final post. I thank those of you who have given me all the laughs over the years and all of the great advice and commentary. If it wasn't for people here, I never would have bought Bone, Astro City, Stray Bullets, Madman, or countless other great books. Racm, despite its recent problems (which I am gleefully contributing to), is a great source of information, whether it be reviews or news. Yeah, some of the news is wrong, but the value of the small number of times it is right far outweighs the times it is wrong, IMO. By posting a goodbye message, I in no way claim to be a net.god, I am not, nobody needs to bother telling me that. I just am feeling sentimental and I wanted to end with something that would make everyone hate me for either making fun of them or wasting bandwidth. Special thanks to Rich Johnston and The Mystic Mongoose, integral members of the Paul Triumvirate. And Patman for being, IMO, the most valuable contributor to racm (even if the troll of Christine was overblown). And everybody fucking lighten up. I wish the best to everyone, even those I don't always get along with well. And hell, I'll probably be back here sometime. Watch for my comic when I finally put it out. Heh heh. When next you hear of me, it will be in the same breath of Alan Moore. "You know that guy Dave Good? Think Alan Moore. Now think the furthest thing away from him." Later on. -- Dave Good [D--O--D] at [POMONA.EDU] Killfiling is easy. Comedy is hard.