From: [s--l--n] at [ix.netcom.com] (Dan Naab ) Newsgroups: rec.games.frp.archives Subject: Prose (satire); D&D: I WANT MY LIFE BACK Date: 5 Jun 1995 10:10:16 -0400 D&D: I WANT MY LIFE BACK The idea for this story came from a little religious pamphlet that I got the pleasure of reading. It was published by the Baptist church, and was essentially stating that D&D is "Satan’s plaything", along with "rock paraphernalia", "witchcraft", etc. (yes, they were all grouped together). It was actually a story of a young girl who got into D&D and had her soul taken away from this "evil woman in black." But, of course, Jesus Christ saved her, and made the commandment, "D&D IS EVIL!" Well, it was pretty disgusting to read (thinking that people actually believe it), but I must admit I laughed my face off. This story is written in the spirit of the original, albeit changed a lot. The character "Priest Dousley" is based on someone we (the authors) know; this person is an absolutely crazy Christian fanatic. As you read it, just remember, it's a satire; what can be called a "punchline" is at the very end of the story. D & D: I Want My Life Back Copyright (c) 1995 by Dan Naab Bryan Meade Mark Pursell Any unauthorized reproduction of this document, in any form (including electronic publication or public posting) is not allowed. Please contact the authors at [s--l--n] at [ix-netcom.com] or [d--ny--s] at [njn.com] for information on doing so. ------ D&D: I Want My Life Back My name is Clarence Clearwater. The story I am about to tell you may shock and disturb you. It may even nauseate you. But whatever it does to you, just remember, it's all true. It was a humid summer night. The first time I saw the stranger in black was on the eve of my 17th birthday. He had come from the city, where evil is spawned in the shadows and feeds on humans. This particular fellow struck my fancy as soon as I saw him. I don't know what it was, but I was drawn to him as soon as I laid eyes on him. I realized I shouldn't be here. The man spoke up, "What do you want, young laddie?" I could tell he was Irish. "I'm just kickin' it, you know," I replied. "Young fellows like you shouldn't be wandering the streets." "I can take care of myself," I said. The intrigue was very high now. "You know you look like an intelligent young lad. Would you mind if I showed you something." The man got up and turned his back to me, "You're gonna love this," he said. He fumbled with his jacket and produced a small booklet. "Have you ever played D&D?" the stranger asked. "D&D? What is D&D?" I asked. The man shook his head. "Dungeons and Dragons my boy." He took out a board and taught me the ways of D&D. I was there until dawn. This was the first day of the rest of my life. When I saw the sun rise I knew I had to leave, but I didn't want to. The lure of D&D was strong. "You should go," the man said. But I didn't want to. "Please let me stay," I begged. "No, no. D&D is best played in darkness. But you will come back this evening alone to partake of D&D." I left but I didn't want to. All the way home I looked forward to that evening. I was tired, but I didn't sleep. From that point on, I was hooked on D&D. The urge to destroy was hammering at my brain. After all, I had just spent the last five hours destroying monsters and wizards. I was hooked. I went outside my house. I couldn't sleep I was full of anticipation. The light hurt my eyes. The moon had become my sun. I had become nocturnal. Sleep called to me, so I rested in a dark alley. When I awoke, night had fallen. My sun was high in the night sky. I began to walk the street, headed for the man in black. When I got there, he was sitting as he had the night before. "You have come, my laddie. Now sit and partake of D&D." As we played the old man spoke up again, "It is destiny that you have found me. Now, listen to me as I show you the way. There is an anti-D&D rally nearby led by Priest Dousley. Your mission is simple: destroy those that vindicate the spirit of D&D." I was stunned. Yet the lure to follow these instructions was high. The thought of destroying those persecutors of D&D was tempting. Soon I had no doubts, and set out for the church. As I entered, I heard Dousley's voice. "Beware of these evil temptations that are so calmly called D&D. Its lures might try to draw you in, but you must fight. For the devil's soul is every present in this demons' toy." The anger surged through me. I ran to the top of the altar and pushed Dousley from it. "I have come with the good news," I proclaimed. "Turn from your religion for it teaches you to forsake D&D. Reap of the fruits of my teachings, and follow me to my immortal salvation." And I took out my board and I played D&D right there on the altar. The people were revolted. An Amish man threw a pitchfork at me and screamed. "This is the messenger of Satan. Let us destroy him." With that the Amish crowd ran to their buggies and got their scythes. They chased me but I had no reason to run for I was invincible. I heard the hollering of the Amish mob. The hate is this room was strong. I fed off it. The first Amish man to reach me swung his scythe at my head. He missed me, and fell down the stairs, breaking his neck. I picked up the scythe, and the Amish, now aware of my powers, scattered. I went outside and began destroying the buggies. I killed the horses and set fire to the wagons. I stood in the blazing light, knowing my mission was complete. But I needed more. I looked at the church, and knew that if it was blazing, it would be a symbol to all D&D followers. Within a half hour, the church was burning, flames jumping a hundred feet into the air. As I stood there, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Dousley. I was about to kill him, when he pulled a black hood over his head. I then realized that the mystery man in black was Dousley. "Even Jesus Christ plays D&D my son," he said, and an evil laugh spread over the blazing chapel. "You have done well my son. But you haven't grasped the full power of D&D. To reap the full benefits of it, you must go through three moons of training. Come with me to my humble abode and let me show you the path to your immortal destiny." I stood there looking at the man in black, knowing that I was better than him. I felt power surge through me. With a powerful swing I sent the scythe flying at his head. I didn't want to be the pupil, I wanted to be the master. But the man in black blocked the blow with his forearm, grabbed the scythe and broke it in two. "So, you don't appreciate the power I can give you. Well, maybe you will appreciate this. The only immortal salvation you'll have is in the pit of fire." He reached into my chest, ripped out my soul and cast it into the fiery waste land of hell. I floated there for awhile, and saw demons playing D&D. I guess it really was Satan's play thing. Then I saw Satan himself. Satan was playing D&D, and when I saw his face, he looked a lot like Milton Bradley. "Welcome to everlasting damnation, where D&D is the supreme law of the land. Of course, you need an imagination to play." I looked at Satan and smiled. I fell to my knees, and screamed in pure rage. "I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!"