*Creature of the Net* I was feeling done in (couldn't win) I'd only ever kissed before. I thought, there's no use getting into Heavy Petting. It only leads to sorrow and seat wetting... Donna Barr. Scott McCloud. Will Eisner. Barb Rausch. Stars _everywhere_. Touch _me_! I dropped off a copy of the California Business and Professional Code to Scott McCloud--the part that defines comic books, and horror books in particular. Scott is pushing his new mini-comic, which has no appearances by _Zot!_; is nothing like _Understanding Comics_; and says so in big, bold, bloody letters ten feet tall on the cover. "Do you know who that man was?" she asked the young consumer on the other side of the booth as *Will Eisner* walked out of the exhibitors' hall. Part of the trinity: The Father. (Along with Scott McCloud and Marge Simpson, the three in one.) There's an Independent's Pavilion _and_ a Small Press Area. At *Jim Drew's* _Ciao!_ booth, (which grossed an incredible $12.00 by noon), Peter Coogan was emphasizing the ghetto aspect by forcing netizens to wear stickers announcing their addiction. Jim transfers a hello to Barb Rausch via me. He is currently chained to his booth. Barb talks a bit about Barbi. Barbara Slate, creator of _Angel Love_ is now writing stories for Barbi as well. That's three Barbs. Will there be a team-up with Barb Wire? "She looks like a fun character, and the artwork is very good." I'm going to have to take another look at the Dark Horse Comic-Con book. And stop making bad jokes like that. Barb (Rausch) also did some paper dolls for the _1994 Souvenir Book_. I'm going to have to be very careful or I'll end up a paper doll and Barbi fanatic. I'm already buying _Shanda the Panda_. The shame of it all! Fortunately, the few seconds I managed to take to glance at the latest _Barbi_ indicates that Barb Slate is not including the same style of humor that she used in _Angel Love_. Every time I go to these stupid conventions, I end up buying the latest issue of _Barbi_ after talking with Barb Rausch. Why can't she do paper dolls for _Spawn_, or _Cerebus_? (Hey, how about _Bone_?) Howard Byer tells me that all of the comic companies are experiencing sales problems. Donna Barr later characterized it as "the small publishers used to grab for the scraps left by the wolves. Now the wolves are fighting it out among themselves for the scraps." I want to be dirty! *Rumiko Takahashi* is hot stuff. Viz and Capital City are limiting the _Ranma 1/2_ author's autograph session to 100 autographs--total--with 25 tickets given Thursday and Friday, and 50 on Saturday. *Comics and Political Correctness* "If you're going to show someone as a stereotype," *Donna Barr* said, "show just a hint of why they're that way." So why _is_ the Desert Peach tall and blond? "You're just doing this as an excuse to show men in tight riding breaches," someone complained. "Of course. Why else?" Thrill me! *Kim Thompson* is finding it harder to offend people. R. Crumb's _Niggers Take Over the World_ generated hardly a huff at Weirdo. In the audience, Rush Limbaugh complained about the dangers of the PC movement. "These people," he said, are just looking for stuff to blow up at. "The stuff that's scary is the stuff that doesn't intend to offend", according to Terry Laban. Things that are meant to be racist tell us about the author. Things that aren't tell us about ourselves and our society. Rush Limbaugh's ideological son called them the "Ideological Daughters of Frederick Wertham". I'll be taking membership applications when the con's over. "The people who don't like the depiction of busty women in comics are always flat-chested and fat." saith Mike Pascal, to no complaint. Indeed, it really _is_ hard to offend people these days. "You can have more black superheroes, and more gay superheroes, but I don't think we'll have more fat superheroes," prophesied Terry Laban. Donna Barr raised hymns to _True Romance_, wonderfully acted, horribly bloody, and wonderfully romantic. Donna was extremely enamored of the corkscrew, the lighter, and the hairspray. The shotgun was merely a _denou(e')ment_. Chill me! And the film crew has a taste for Glocks. Thumbs up! *Romper Room with Donna Barr* Jim Drew sent a "hello" through another netizen. The chains haven't loosened. "Does anyone here _not_ know me?" One person actually raises his hand. "I'm just here with a friend. What is it you do?" "Desert Peach." "Oh, you do that? I thought you were a guy." To everyone's laugh, she responds: "Better than some things I get: 'Oh, I thought you were a _gay_ guy.'" Donna Barr and Roberta Gregory are discussing starting a co-op to push their work, possibly even publish it. Distributors are currently having problems, and are becoming less able and willing to deal with the small stuff. (I thought the Peach was hung like a horse?) She's appreciative of the use of the Electronic Gossip System (the Internet) by her fans to get the word out about her. The Barr Girls are already out, in _ABomb #2_ and _#3_, from Antarctic. "We were hoping you'd bring the caliber of the comic up", they said to her after she commented on the quality of the compilation. "When an agent says 'we're going to coffee', you know it's serious. Because then they're sober." Everything she writes is either something that's happened to her or that she's read about. The Peach & Rosen? "You don't _want_ to hear about my sex life. You _read_ about it." The audience "had a great time at the Desert Peach Musical. Especially at the end when I told the actors to trash it." The actor who played runty Erwin Rommel was 6'4". Tall, aryan Pfirsich was 5'7". "So we just swapped the height jokes." She was _always_ trying to get Erwin to miss his cue. He _never_ missed his cue. He'd come out to the backstage area, do his little walk around the stage, grab a swig of peppermint schnapps from the table, and walk out onto stage, on cue. This time, he came out to the backstage area and did his little walk around the stage. Pfirsich, Udo, and Winzig were wrapped up nude spreading body parts everywhere. He sucked in some schnapps and held it in his mouth. Gave each of them a big wet kiss of peppermint. Swallowed. And walked out on stage. Right on cue. Craig Kozeluh led the entire group in a stirring rendition of _Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer_ at the order of Officer Barr. Anyone wanting a tape should not contact me. I will be erasing it as _soon_ as possible. There is a somewhat better chance of seeing a new Desert Peach musical as there is of seeing an Eisner Award without Jeff Smith. *Comic Arts Conference* Jim Drew finally let himself out of his cage at the Small Press Area. The great thing about the Comics Art Conferences is "fans, academics, and professionals all working in the same mode." At last year's Conference in San Diego, the big topic was _Understanding Comics_. Shel Dorf doesn't _want_ to understand comics. He wants to maintain his naivet(e'). At last year's Conference, Donna Barr was the respondent for a history of the British undergrounds. So, this year, she did a story about apes on opposite sides of an ephemeral body of water. Peter Coogan said "It was an interesting metaphor." But I don't think he'd let his sister marry it. The Conference will be switching from the presentation- response system to a panel system, in order to accomodate the professionals who make up the _response_, which is really an academic system. Robert C. Harvey's _The Art of the Funnies_ is out in hardcover. The main goal of the Conference is to "prevent the walls, the ivory tower of academia, from growing around the comics field." Yes, and I've got to plant in that field, too, doc. There is now a _sequential art_ major at the Savannah School of Art & Design. Fulfill me! *Comics Code in the Con Suite?* No drugs are allowed at the con suite. All of the sodas are stimulant free. What's a poor writer to do? Don Simpson's _Megaton Man_ will be ten years old in December, and to celebrate, Don is now self-publishing under Fiasco Comics. Shoptalk: For comics industry professionals. An APA. Spec copies and back issues available for $6.00 each. "To join send $20.00 and proof of published credits to Steven R. Addlesee 852 E. 8475 S. Sandy, UT 84094." New York Amateur Press Association: "NYAPA is a culture APA with a potpourri of topics." Spec copies and back issues are $3.00. "To join send $6.00 to Steven R. Addlesee 852 E. 8475 S. Sandy, UT 84094." I'll take _potpourri_ for one hundred, Bob. *INKS* Ohio State University is now producing a _serious journal devoted to comics_, and Shel Dorf is pushing it. The first issue of INKS came out in February. R.C. Harvey's 2,000 page biography of the life of Milton Caniff is still unpublished, but is archived at the Cartoon and Graphic Arts Research Library at Ohio State University. R.C. Harvey _has_ published_The Art of the Funnies_, covering the _Yellow Kid_ to _Calvin and Hobbes_. *Cartoon Art Museum* The Cartoon Art Museum is still at 665 Third Street in San Francisco. Admission is $3.00. *Attention Kmart Shoppers* _Censorshi*_ a _zine for Mature Readers_, celebrates the 40th anniversary of "Seduction of the Innocent" in their second issue. Subscriptions ($8 for 4 and $15 for eight) and sample copies ($2.00) are available from Fun Times Publications, Mark Arnold, 1484 La Playa #105, San Francisco, CA 94122. The cover story is a review of _Seduction of the Innocent_ and its effects on the comics industry, written by Mark Arnold. Commentary (also by Mark Arnold) includes an article on pulling single installments of series off the air because their guest star have taken a fall (in this case, Mike Tyson appearing on _Webster_), and _The Top 25 Censored Stories of 1993_, taken from Project Censored. Satire on the back cover talked about music censorship and Kurt Cobain's suicide. In general _Censorshi*_ seems quite tame, and relies solely on Mark Arnold, who is probably writing to too wide a field. Such a publication could well find a niche, however, and could be very useful in disseminating information about censorship, if it were to take a narrower focus and get a wider base of journalists. *Purchases* _The Balance of Power_ is a new Desert Peach cloisonn(e') pair from Mu/Aeon. It balances itself to Yin or Yang depending on your own cosmic light. *Plugs* Alternative Press Expo II will be May 14, 1995 in San Jos(e'). For more information, contact _Slave Labor Graphics_, 979 S. Bascom Ave., San Jos(e'), CA 95128, (408) 971-8929. *Will Eisner Comic Industry Awards* The 1994 Nominating Panel was Mark Askwith, producer of _Prisoners of Gravity_, Mimi Cruz, Michael T. Gilbert, of Mr. Monster fame, Barry Short, and Mark Yturralde. And a man in the industry fifty years, announces administrator Jackie Estrada, Mr. Will Eisner! "Fifty years is a long time. I'm beginning to think I haven't got much to show for it. Endurance is something I think I'll leave to the doctors. Thank _you_ for the enduring support." "It's just like the academy awards," says Jackie. "We have a series of presenters to present the awards." Scott Shaw, does his presenting in the traditional Hawaiian sunset. "Do they dress like this in the Oscars? I hope not." The winner of the _Best Humor Publication_ goes to Jeff Smith, for _Bone_. "Thanks. Makes me very proud to be a cartoonist working in the field of comic books today." Which side are you on, Mr. Smith? Cartoonist or Comics? The _Best Comics-Related Book_ is Scott McCloud's _Understanding Comics_. Scott was at a book signing, so his wife Ivy accepted it for him. "He's busy signing books at this very moment. I know that Will Eisner is more important to Scott than almost anybody I could think of in the industry right now." Roberta Gregory jumps up in, er, _casual_ dress. I don't think they dress like _this_ in the Oscars either. The _Best Penciller/Inker_ went to P. Craig Russell for _The Sandman #50_. Craig was not here, so Will accepted it for him. "Thank you very much everybody." _Best Colorist_ went to Steve Oliff and Rueben Rude/Olyoptics, for _Spawn_. They're not there. Will steps up to bat. "Looks like I'm going to have to accept it again. I'm going to have a very crowded wall, I can tell you that." Matt Wagner comes out on stage. Do they _shave_ like this in the Oscars? He looks at the overhead display: "Okay, get Spawn off of there." The _Best Short Story_ went to _The Amazing Colossal Homer_ from _Simpsons #1_. _Cerebus: Flight_ won _Best Reprint Graphic Album._ Neither Dave nor Gerhard were there, so Jeff Smith accepted. Perhaps he was practicing. "I am very happy to accept this for Dave, so thank you very much." Jim Valentino, disguised as Dracul, presented the _Best Comic Related Item_ award to the _Death Statue_. "The award goes to the Death statue. They don't want us to say who made them." Karen Berger accepted for the Death Statue, who presumably wasn't there, either. She promptly thanked Chris Bacchallo and--by name--the other creators of the statue. So _there_, Jim. Nominees for _Best Writer/Artist_ included Phil Foglio- -"they actually found a page they could put up there"-- and Roberta Gregory. The award went to "the day's favorite boy", Jeff Smith. "Thanks", he said, and left. He came back. "I shouldn't blow that off so quick, because some of the other people listed there are _very_ good, and I sweated that one out. Sorry, Roberta." Suddenly Steve Oliff stole the stage away from Jackie Estrada. He apologized profusely for being late, and then thanked everyone for the _Spawn_ award. As he left, Will summarized: "We just had a labor revolt here." Actually, that would have required Dan Vado. Mark Askwick came up and made fun of Will Eisner. "You've been getting far too many adulations." Mark presented the _Best Archival Collection_ award to _The Complete Little Nemo in Slumberland_. It was accepted by... nobody from Fantagraphics. Will stepped up for a bit more wallpaper. "Well, I'll accept it for Windsor McKay, who is a little older than I am." In one-upsmanship worthy of Karen Berger's "Death Statue" acceptance, he continued, and thanked Mark "For producing probably one of the finest comic book related shows. All the creators owe him a debt of gratitude." _Best Writer_ went to Neil Gaiman, and was accepted by Karen Berger. Neil "couldn't be here tonight. His wife is having a baby any second." Sure. I'll bet he didn't even try. (Congratulations, Neil!) Karen Berger, presented _Best Publication Design_ to Richard Starkens of Comicraft, for the _Marvels_ book. "I'd just like to say a few thanks. Thank you to Ken Bissette who came up with the acetate cover, and the Eisner committee for giving me all the credit." _Best Cover Artist_ went to Brian Bolland. "Brian can't be here tonight because he's in England, so I'll accept this for him." Sure. I'll bet _his_ wife was having a baby too. Michael Kaluta presented _Best Serialized Story_ to Jeff Smith for _The Great Cow Race_. And he held him there to force him to make a speech. "Actually, I'm very nervious. This is getting to be overwhelming." _Best Painter_ went to Alex Ross for _Marvels_. Paul Chadwick described graphic albums as "delayed gratification at its best". _Best New Graphic Album_ went to A _Small Killing_ by Alan Moore and Oscar Zarate. David Scroggy, or some variation on him, accepted in their stead, and thanked us "on behalf of Alan and Oscar. Dark Horse is committed to bringing you a wide range of the best material in the world, and we're glad you agree. Thank you." Ah, but I don't see Jeff in your fold. _Best Letterer_ went to Todd Klein. "Thank you. It's gratifying and a little embarassing to be nominated for so many things. All I can say is its gratifying to work with so many people who are inspiring. But there are lots of other good things out there", and he went into a praise rant for some Mike Royko character named Grats Vesparino. "I'd like to urge those of you who can to consider nominating him next year." I'll see what I can find out about this "Grats" character tomorrow... If anyone wants to fill me in on the secret of who "Grats" is, and how you really spell its name before I make a fool of myself in front of Todd tomorrow, well, tough. I'm not reading my mail until the end of the con. Maggie Thompson presented _Best Editor_, a tie, to Karen Berger and Mike Carlin. "Thank you very much", gushed Karen, "It's a real honor to receive this award, especially since this covered last year, which was Vertigo's first year as an imprint. I'd like to thank the many writers and artists who make me look good. I'd like to thank Jenette Kahn and Paul Levitz for giving us the money and creative autonomy necessary for a venture of this sort." _And don't either of you think about changing your minds_. _Best Anthology_ went to _Dark Horse Presents_ edited by Randy Stradley. Sergio Aragones presented (in Spanish) the _Continuing Series_ award to... what was his name again? Jeff Smith, for Bone. "No way. That's too much. Thank you _very_ much." Get off the stage, Jeff. "It was very, very well deserved." We know, Sergio, but there's free food outside, and I'm half reporter. Let him leave the podium. _Best Limited Series_ went to _Marvels_ by Kurt Busiek and Alex Ross. "There's a few people I'd like to thank. Jeff Smith, for not doing a limited series, and everybody else who did the stories that inspired us." When presenter Matt Groenig first "started coming to the Comic-Con oh, 15 years ago, I published my comics as a little Xerox. I worked at a copy place... My comics were so small that even the underground guys wouldn't talk to me. With _Life in Hell_, the underground guys would talk to me, but the pros still wouldn't. Then, I got a little more success with the Simpsons on Tracey Ullman. Then the pros would talk to me and the underground guys wouldn't. Everybody has been asking me if O.J. Simpson is going to be on the Simpsons. We asked him last year. He was busy then, he's very busy now. _Best Single Issue_ nominees included "A Little Knowledge, issue 100 of...100!? Issue 100 of Groo". It went to _Batman Adventures: Mad Love_ by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm. "My God, first time up to the plae, we hit it out of the park." Modesty becomes you, Paul. "I'd like to thank this guy, Paul Dini, for coming up with a great story that pretty much illustrated itself." Now _that's_ a trick. Better be careful, Bruce, if DC figures this one out, you're history. The _Eisner Awards Hall of Fame_ slots were filled by Steve Ditko and Stan Lee. "Is there anyone here from Marvel who can accept this? A Marvel representative? _Anybody_ from Marvel? Don't be shy... Well, we will accept for Stan, and make sure it gets to him over at the Marvel booth, tomorrow." "Will the winners please stay here, for a photo shoot, we'd like to save the event for posterity. And would the press please leave? There's free food out on the Terrace." Maggie Thopmson snuck up to the podium and asked everyone to stay for just a moment, then awarded Jackie Estrada with the CBG _Comics Ambassador Award._ Leaving Room 6A, I found an abandoned DC pin, the left half smashed, cracks radiating out from the center. And a Vertigo pin next to it, pristine. *Adhesive Media, Inc* Someone warned Todd Klein that I was looking for him. He ducked out the side. No need to worry. He won't escape me tomorrow. Peter Coogan brought me to the Adhesive Media party under the auspices of Hogan's Alley. Adhesive Media are the folks doing _eden.com_, the Internet site for popular media and up-and-comers in music, video, and comics. Aubrey and John are the netheads. They've been trying to convince the comics industry to get on-line. "Our job got a whole lot easier since Aerosmith released their song on the Internet. And even easier when DC and Marvel signed exclusive contracts with America On-Line and Compuserve. All the companies are scrambling and scared." There are rumors that these contracts are _tight_. Everyone who works at DC can only use America On-Line. Some of the creators--those who are already using and familiar with another system--are "pissed". The party was co-sponsored by MoJo Press, who are coming out with a $25-$30 hardcover comic called _Weird Business_, featuring "illustrated tales by" a whole shitload of people I've never heard of, with the exception of Ambrose Bierce (isn't he dead?), Nancy Collins, Joe R. Lansdale, Omaha Perez (did George finally marry the Cat-Dancer?), Edgar Allan Poe (another dead writer, I wonder if any dead pencillers or inkers will be resurrected?), and edited by Joe R. Lansdale and Richard Klaw. "Experience a fantastic fusion of comics and literature." I'm in the con suite right now. There's a card game going on directly behind me. And it's not _Magic: The Gathering_. I feel a prayer of thanks coming on. But it could be the caffeine. The con has re-thought their prohibition of drugs. You can scare small companies by telling them that the Internet is the future of publishing. And the scarey part is, it's true. Adhesive is putting tracks from unsigned artists on _eden.com_. Cerebus the Gopher is providing space for the _Comic Ground_. If you're an aspiring comics creator--or even a working professional- -and you want broader exposure, what more can you ask for than the Internet? I've had hundrds of searches a day come across _Comic Ground_. And, besides my own, _one_ submission. The card players are talking about dragons and wives. Whatever they're playing, it ain't poker. If you want to put samples of your comics-related work- -whether you're an editor, publisher, creator, or printer--get in touch with me. If you're familiar with arcanum--uh oh, bad word, the card players look at me with a hungry spark in their eyes--_computer junk_ such as ftp, you can upload your sample yourself. If not, you can e-mail me at [jerry] at [teetot.acusd.edu_], You can even _mail_ me the sample at _Jerry Stratton, Academic Computing, Serra Hall 188B, University of San Diego, Alcala Park, San Diego, CA 92110_. The Internet is still a pain in the ass to use. But it's a hell of a lot easier than working in your dad's hardware store for the rest of your life. "And black lotus is number one, right?" The card players are bubbling. Babbling. Perhaps the con made a bad decision allowing drugs into the suite. I throw my can of speed (48 mg) into the trash and rush into the street. As I leave the Hyatt, I hear someone commenting on the convention: "I used to read DC Comics. I couldn't make heads or tails of them." That’s your problem. You're _supposed_ to make paper airplanes of them. I'll put up no resistance I want to go the distance I've got an itch to scratch I need assistance! Jerry Stratton [j--r--y] at [teetot.acusd.edu] "Life is sweet, and memories fleet-- and the zuke plants always need something to eat."--The Pump, _Sludge #6_.