Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 19:14:46 PST From: [m m calees] at [csr.UVic.CA] (Michael McAleese) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sauramud's Advice Column for Young Wizardlings Issue 5 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- (By the way, I mangled one question someone sent me and it never got off to Sauramud for a response. Whoever you were, sorry! - MRM) Once again, culled from the pages of the _Wizard Weekly News_ comes the latest installment of Saruamud the wizard's advice column. But first, a word or two from Sauramud himself: --------------------------------------------------------------------------- To all who have been requesting copies of the _Wizard_Weekly_News_: You're in luck! I have a whole shelf full of back issues of the Wizard Weekly News (minus the centerfolds) which you can have in exchange for some much needed spell components. This fine journal of magic will keep you informed on the latest events in the wizardly quarter AS THEY HAPPEN. I just got the latest issue today (yes, I subscribe - I want to make sure those bastards don't butcher my weekly submission) and it has a couple of interesting storyies entitled 'Blackmoore Thaumaturgist Creates Two-Headed Elvis Clone' and 'Confessions of Mister Spock - "I was an elf mage all along"'. (N.B. If Sauramud thinks I'm processing orders for him for back issues of the WWN, he's out of what's left of his mind. He can get his booze money somewhere else! - MRM) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Magnaminous Mage of High Repute Sauramud, I am currently apprenticed to an elf (he's something like my second cousin on the elvish side -- I'm quarter elvish), and he's quite nice (if a bit scatterbrained at times). I have two questions: 1) Is it ethical to use alchemy to make a love potion and slip it into your teacher's soup? 2) What is the easiest way to extend one's lifespan past human- normal? --Lovestruck Lass Dear Lovestruck Lass, Questions of ethics normally don't matter too much to a wizard. If we had any ethics we wouldn't do those horrible things to small furry animals we use in our spell research (where do you think the Find Familiar spell came from?). So you're quarter elvish, eh? How exactly do you determine exactly what fraction of you if elvish? Do they still measure the ears like they did in my day? "Check out them ears, Ed. I would say she was at least thirty nine percent elvish." As for your questions; whether it is ethical to slip a love potion into your teacher's soup depends upon a number of factors. The question should be 'Is it necessary'. What is your charisma? If it's 16+ then a couple of nice smiles will have the same effect. If it's 9-15 then a potion in his soup would certainly help things along. If it's 6-8 then I hope your skills in alchemy are up to snuff because you're going to have to start manufacturing the potion by the BUCKET full. If your charisma is 5 or less then YES it is DEFINITELY UNETHICAL to slip a love potion into his soup! I think some places have laws about things like that! If you _really_ want to extend your lifespan then DON'T LEAVE TOWN. Quit your apprenticeship, buy a couple of goats and settle down on a farm. The lifespan of an adventuring wizard is measured in _hours_ instead of years. It doesn't matter how well you hide behind the fighters, it matters little if one of them is a paladin who can cure you in a pinch because the fact of the matter is that ALL ARROWS SEEK OUT THE WIZARD. As somebody who has been killed and resurrected four times let me tell you it is _no_ fun being dead. ------------ Dear Sauramud, Every once in a while while I'm trying to cast a spell, I get these strange visions between the time I finish the incantation and the time that the spell actually lets off. Usually, these visions seem to be of some goofy guy in strange clothes with funny looking pieces of glass in front of his face. He seems to be rolling some funny-shaped stones with numbers on them. What do these visions mean? Am I cracking up? Chancy ...er, Chauncey Dear Chauncey, A paladin friend of mine complained about similar visions every time he started to stray from his alignment. These visions are generally portents of doom and will often be accompanied by evil ethereal cackling and the rustling of pages. The type of visions you are experiencing are caused by Delirium Magicums or DMs for short. DMs are caused by casting too many spells in a short period without stopping for a few sips of good scotch in between. While there is no easy way to get rid of DMs, a good scotch certainly makes them more bearable. ---------- O Great and Wise Sauramud, The other day my Ugly put a pile of my washing in an empty golem mould and I accidentally activated it. I now have a Rag Golem running around my lair and it is on fire. I have discovered that it is quite a good source of heat and am wondering if I should attempt to market these wonderful beings in the city... Also, ever since I put my Ugly out with the dogs to rot for its stupidity I have not slept...should I let it back in to sleep by the trash bin or should I take a sleeping pill and ignore the bugger? In expectation of a reply, Darius the Ever-Clumsy of Ryde Dear Darius, Do not attempt to market these golems! Firstly cities are, for the most part, composed of wood. A burning golem running around town could cause enough problems that many rich business men might send their overpaid Gnomish lawyers after you. Secondly, it is not always wise to air your dirty laundry in public. I have found it tough enough to keep mine OUT of public scrutiny. As for the Ugly (whatever _that_ is) let it rot. It's hard to get good help these days, but lousy help is cheap. If you are having trouble sleeping over this I recommend "Dingbat's Book of Monkish Prose and Wisdom" written by an acquaintance of mine. Knocks me out every time. And speaking of monks... ---------- Dear Sauramud, I used to be a monk, but after getting no respect from the rest of the party because I was useless in battle and useless as a thief and after their having to raise me from the dead three times because of the paladin's accidentally hitting me with her two-handed sword in battle on several occasions (and then only because the paladin was afraid of getting on bad terms with her god for taking out a lawful good person), I decided to become a mage. But now I still get no respect, and they make fun of me because I'm just a lowly prestidigitator and they're all higher level than me. Not even my Sleep spell will work on them (err, not that I've tried, you understand, a lawful good person would never do that...). What can I do to make them take me seriously? Dangerfield the Prestidigitator ("I get no respect...") Dear Dangerfield, Sigh! I've said it before and I'll say it again. A Prestidigitator gets no respect! An Evoker gets no respect! A Conjurer gets no respect! A Theurgist gets no respect! A Thaumaturgist - ah, now when you can blast a lightning bolt up the schnauz of the fighter when he gets out of line, THAT gets respect. The problem is that most fighters and thieves and clerics and monks just don't appreciate magical finesse. The only thing they understand is DISMEMBERED CHARRED BODIES FLYING THROUGH THE AIR. Mind you, I suppose that has it's appeal too. ---------- Oh Dearest and Greatest Sauramud, I am a 4th-level mage craving for magical items of great powers. It just so happened, that during the last adventure the party has found in the badguy's hoard a beautiful wooden wand. Naturally, being the only magic-using character, I practically tore it from the hands of the others, knowing that those measly numbskulls would never realize the purpose of this magic item (or any other magic or nonmagic item, save a sword maybe), or even tell this wand from a stick, and use it to herd cattle. But when I at last got the opportunity to Identify the item, it turned out to be a Wand of Wonder! Since then, I have used it twice (hey, what do I have it for, to keep in my backpack or something?), but each time the consequences got considerably worse than the previous. I'm sure lucky that the priest got the Dispel Magic off properly, or that'd be the end of me. So my question is - what to do with it? I tried selling it last time we hit town, but no mage would even want to lay his hands on the thing! I can't just throw it away, I mean - my first magical item ever, and it has 36 charges to boot! I'm sure the thief won't forget it so I won't be able to give it to him when he'll become level 10...Hell, with the item failure percentage he got, maybe it'll work better for him than it did for me! So what is it good for/What to do with the thing is the basic question here. Flick of the Wrist. Dear Flick, Rather than asking 'What should I do with this thing' you should be asking 'Who makes these fucking things'! Does some mad wizard sit down one day and say, "I think I'll make myself a magical wand that does bad things at random when used - heck, should only take me a few years and cost me 500000 gp or so..." Maybe it's called a Wand of Wonder because we're left wondering why somebody would put out the resources to produce it in the first place! Moot point. Now that you have it you want to know what to do with it. You can do LOTS of things with a wand like that. You can; - herd cattle with it - stir drinks with it - poke the monk in the ribs with it - threaten to use it in combat if the others get uppity. Geez, use your imagination! Just because it's useless, don't ever forget that it's a MAGIC ITEM WITH 36 CHARGES. I can think of some mages who went through an entire career without seeing a magic item with that many charges! ---------- Dear Sauramud, I recently joined up with an established adventuring party that, quite frankly, has more experience than me. They also already have a wizard in the group, and he can toss off Mirror Image spells and everything, while I can barely manage a good "Sleep" spell. It helps that I'm an elf, and can wear armour and wield a sword, but still I find myself the butt of jokes for my lousy magical talents. The Gods know I try and maintain the elvish air of superiority that sets us apart from the lesser lived races, but soon the other wizard is going to get to cast third levels spells while getting my _second_ first level spell seems a long way off. Are there any ways to speed up the spell gaining process? Signed, Anxious Elf Dear A.E., No! No No NO NO NONONONO! A mage in a hurry is a DEAD mage. Let the other mage steal the show with his flashy spells while you hide behind the largest, most armour-laden fighter in the party and cast your Sleep spell. When he bites the biscuit - as he assuredly will when he gets cocky and begins showing off to make you look bad - give his cold, dead corpse a poke in the brisket with your index finger and say, "I may only be first level, but at least I'm ALIVE! HA HA HA HAAAAA..." Sure, the rest of the party may look at you funny if you do this but us wizards are allowed our little foibles. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well that's all for this installment folks. As always, send _your_ questions for Sauramud to [m m caleese] at [csr.uvic.ca.] "Sauramud's Advice Column" is written by David Braun ([David Braun] at [panam.wimsey.bc.ca]) and Michael McAleese ([m m calees] at [csr.uvic.ca]), A.K.A. "Those Dudes". Contributors of "letters to Sauramud" were: [E MCCOY] at [UNHH.UNH.EDU] [j--ul--e] at [mihi.une.oz.au] (Pepe Le Pew) [m--ph--s] at [sage.cc.purdue.edu] (Morpheus Nosferatu) Mark Kaplan <[m--k] at [ccsg.tau.ac.il]> [jeff zeitlin] at [execnet.com] (Jeff Zeitlin)