With the various tirades against how idiots view role-playing games 
running around, I thought I'd present the view of someone who *has*
read, at least, the AD&D Dungeon Master's Guide and has also come to
the reasonable conclusion that this is, at the least, very strange:

From Cecil Adam's "The Straight Dope"

Query: In the past few years I have heard different things about
various games played in some colleges in the East. Dungeons &
Dragons is one of them. What I would like to know is the different
types and rules of these games, and where I can learn more about
them. -- R.C.M., Skokie, Illinois


Answer: The principal game played in colleges in the East -- and
everywhere else, for that matter -- is called "Snoozing Your Way
Through Four Years of Monotonous Drivel So You Can Collect a
Piece of Paper That Entitles You to Make Twice as Much Money as
the General Run of Mankind While Doing Half the Work." I played
it, and see where I am today -- a famous author and certified
Beautiful Person. Most profitable damn nap I ever took.

I suppose, however, that you are referring to what are loosely called
"fantasy games," a relatively recent offshoot of the military games
that have been around for eons. Dungeons & Dragons (or D&D, as it is
more familiarly called), is far and away the best-selling of all such
games, presently claiming some 400,000 devotees -- I use the word
advisedly -- worldwide. Quite frankly I have some reservations about
bestowing further publicity on this demented pastime, but a devotion
to the noble principles of journalism demands that the facts be
exposed, come what may.

D&D was invented in 1974 by one Gary Gygax, whose father was a violinist
for the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. (This strikes me as significant,
somehow.) Gary moved at an early age to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin, where
his minions today are cranking out D&D rule books, D&D miniature
playing pieces, and all sorts of other dubious D&D paraphernalia to
palm off on a gullible public. By means of guile and threats of
violence it happens I have managed to get my hands on a couple of those
sacred rule books, and let me tell you, R. buddy, this game is weird.
[Note -- the way he is writing is not to claim secrecy in the game.
Those of you who are already familiar with Mr. Adams' work realize
that this is the way he _always_ writes. Those of you who are not
familiar with him, he's a great writer, and both Straight Dope books
are highly recommended. -- jerry]

The basic idea in your run-of-the-mill Go Fish-type game is to get all
your opponent's cards or all his checkers or some other readily
graspable commodity, but this is not the case with D&D. Here is a
quote from Mr. Gygax on the subject: "The ultimate aim of the game is
to gain sufficient esteem as a good player to retire your character --
he becomes a kind of mythical, historical figure, someone for others
to look up to and admire." A lifetime of Parcheesi does not
adequately prepare you for this.

To play D&D you need at least two acolytes, who play under the
guidance of a vaguely Mansonesque personage called the Dungeon
Master (DM). [You'd think he'd been reading rec.games.frp] By means
of various murky protocols involving the use of charts and dice, each
player establishes the persona of the "character" he or she will
manipulate in the game, who typically ends up (if male) being an
antisocial cutthroat of some sort, or (if female) possessed of
large, grapefruit-like breasts. I deduce the latter from studying
the illustrations in the book. Apart from predictable characteristics
like strength and intelligence, players also have to determine such
baffling minutiae as their likelihood of contracting communicable
diseases or becoming infested by parasites. I am at a loss to
comprehend the significance of such things, but that is what the
rule book says.

The preliminaries having been dealt with, the players are led
through an imaginary dungeon devised by the DM, in search of
treasure or something similar. On the way, they will encounter
various obstacles and evil creatures, which they will have to
defeat or evade.

The concept seems simple enough: it is the application that throws
me. There are two main problems: (1) there are one billion rules,
and (2) the game requires nonstop mathematical finagling that
would constipate Einstein. The rule book is laden with such
mystifying pronouncements as the following: "An ancient spell-
using red dragon of huge size with 88 hits [sic] points has a
BXPV of 1300, XP/HP total of 1408, SAXPB of 2800 (armor class plus
special defense plus hih intelligence plus saving throw bonus due
to h.p./die), and an EAXPA of 2550 (major breath weapon plus
spell use plus attack damage of 3-30/bite) -- totalling 7758 h.p."
Here we have a game that combines the charm of a Pentagon briefing
with the excitement of double-entry bookkeeping. The lure of this
sort of thing is beyond my comprehension. [Note -- the quote is from
page 88 of the first edition AD&D DMG; the quote is exact, with
the exception of misspelling 'hit points' as 'hits points.' It's
a good thing his research didn't bring up Champions, or Dragonquest,
or, heaven forbid, Chivalry and Sorcery -- jerry]

If you wish to know more about Dungeons & Dragons, for some reason, 
you can find D&D paraphernalia at many hobby and game stores, or
you may write to Mr. Gygax's company, TSR Hobbies, Inc., at Box 756,
Lake Geneva, Wisconsin 53147. Among numerous other things, they
offer a monthly magazine called _The Dragon,_ which I understand
is prinicipally useful in obfuscating such portions of the game
as you think you already understand. Lotsa luck, buddy.

-- reproduced, without permission (sorry, Cecil), from "The Straight
Dope", by Cecil Adams, published by Ballantine Books. Buy, Buy, Buy.
I have no connection with the author or the publisher, other than
having laughed hysterically at various points throughout the book.
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