Red and Sloppy Meat is Delicious

godsgiftmaggot ([z hen c h] at [])
Originally appeared in Wed, 1 Mar 1995 13:34:22 -0600

once upon a time i was running through the forest (incidentally, i saw a bunny. and an old schlitz beer can that i thought would be worth a lot of money but it really wasn't) and i came upon (metaphorically, that is) a buxom and voluptuous fairy princess with a large forehead and a small nose and two bright violet eyes and she had big boobies too and she said "i seen you walking through my forest picking up my beer cans just what in sam hell you think you are doing tough guy?!?" and i looked right in those big bugged out violet and red bloodshot eyes and i told her "i'm just looking for some creatures that would whet my carnivorous appetite; i read in a macho magazine co-edited by ted nugent and the lead singer from canned heat (aside: boy does he have a big one!) that it's fun to eat dead things especially ones just recently killed with crossbows or can openers or your macho no-hair-on-the-palms bare hands cause the just recently kilt animals are raw and everyone even g. gordon liddy knows that red and sloppy meat is delicious!" and she fell over, astounded at my words of wit and wisdom and then she stood on a tree stump (the forest was in northern oregon and there were many loggers in the area and one time one of them saw her and put his mighty fleshsword in a hole in the side of a tree and lubricated the hole with spotted owl droppings it was a love/hate relationship but being a logger, he was used to splinters) and she grabbed ahold of my head by my ears with four of her six arms (she was a buddhist fairy princess; for the record, i only have two ears, but i have four eyes at least that's what they told me in third grade but then again they also told me i was a twentieth century schizoid man and the girls would sign their valentines to me "polyorchidally yours" so go figure...) and anyway she pulled me under her nondesigner skirt (after all she was in oregon, near portland, and one time a logger had left a usa today in her neck (of the woods, that is) and she read in the lifestyles section that thrift stores were "in") and she screamed at the top of her fairy princess lungs (this is what she screamed --) "Lick my delicious red and sloppy meat!!!!!" and you might be thinking that she was just using a graphic and rather disturbing metaphor for her princessly vagina but no, lo and behold, she had a porterhouse flank scotchtaped to her nether regions and i asked her why (after breaking away from her wily whiteknuckle clutches) and she said this in a condescending and completely unbecoming tone of voice: "well, dummy, there ain't no such things as electrical sockets out here cause after all this is a forest not some fancy-schmancy highrise and thus we don't have any of that modern appliance kind of stuff and i betcha if i had a buggy people would start coming out here to look at me, thinking i was an amish fairy princess but the truth is i'm just lacking electricity--it's a fault with my environment--and that's why i have to store my perishable items in the crotch domain." and then i understood why she had ice cubes in her lower orifices and i vowed to never venture into that area of the forest ever again, cause by golly that frightened the bejeeeeezus out of me!!

covered in hope and vaseline
[m--oo--e] at [ux4]